I am not in denial anymore...

[RetiredSkater]

Why do people bail on you when you need them the most?

I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer on April 20th, 2008. We found out on her birthday on January 10th, 2008 that she had stage IV metastatic adenocarcinoma of the the pancreas that had already spread to her liver. We found out because she was up visiting me in Knoxville and she had a gallbladder attack. They thought it was just her gallbladder and that it was going to have to come out. Then when they did the CT scan they found that it was a huge tumor on her pancreas blocking the bile duct to the gallbladder. They did so many procedures and things trying to find out the best way to treat it. Finally, they started chemo, giving her both Gemzar and Tarceva. Ironically, my mom was a research toxicologist for Eli Lilly and tested Gemzar almost 20 years ago while working for them. The chemo seemed to be working. The cells were showing signs of necrosis in her liver and the tumor on the head of her pancreas was shrinking.

Then, at the beginning of April, she was feeling a lot better but her right arm started swelling. She started retaining fluids and they couldn't figure out what was wrong. It turns out that she was in the beginning stages of kidney failure. The cancer had spread to her armpit and it was causing her lymph node cells to not be able to clear the fluid which was causing her kidneys to fail. They called me one night and told me I needed to come down to Orlando from Knoxville, that it was very serious. My mom had to have a life-saving procedure called paracentesis to get rid of the fluid that was compressing her lungs. My dad really had to fight to get them to do that.

That was the beginning of the end. By the time I got down to Orlando, my mom was mostly unconscious and they brought her home and began hospice. It was a horrible week, which I won't go into much detail. But finally, on Sunday April 20th, at 12:38pm my mom died with all of us around her and my tears streaming down her face from where I kissed her temple to tell her I love her.

I was really in denial I guess for the first 2 months. I wanted to handle it well and so I went back to Knoxville and did all the things I could do to avoid thinking about it. Finally, though, my dad decided he wanted to start going through my mom's things from the storage unit she had. (My mom was a huge packrat.) This process has really provoked me into finally settling into the grief I have. I miss her so much. She was everything to me, my best friend, my advice guru, my mom.

Throughout this process, I have been also in the process of getting a divorce from my husband of almost 5 years. I know it is too early to really date again but I found someone who was so loving and caring and who reminds me of my mom. It turns out that he can't really handle this new grief I am experiencing. Everyone wants the carefree loving person, but it seems like nobody wants to be there for the tough times. I just wish I had someone to really count on. My dad is crazy with grief and he decided weeks ago that he was going to let me live in my mom's house so I could go back to school and get back on my feet after the divorce, and now he has changed the locks and flipped out.

I just miss her so much.. she was the glue that held my family together. I sometimes wish I would be hit by a bus so that I could feel a pain worse than the pain I feel now over losing my mother. I am going to go see a counselor soon... I just want to be normal again.

[ryandior]

Halo my name is Ryan And my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer in may 2008, the docs told the family that she would not see next christmas, my mum has asked not to be told how long she has, she had a course of chemotherapy, and after that she was told she would need radiotherapy but when she got to the hospital they said the tumor was to near her kidney and liver and refused to give it to her, since then the family have taken her every where and even to ireland to say her good buys to her relations, the other week I visited her at her flat where my two sinister were attending to her lunch, to cut a long story my older sister has never really got on with the family and we just put up with her, my mother was, the day before talking to me alone about some concerns she had with the out care at her local hospice she visits on a Friday, saying that every time she go's they ask her questions about her state of mid I.E "how many times do you think about dieing" and similar stuff like that, the next day I called the hospice to air her worries and then went to visit my mum I told her about what I had done and she started to cry, well in came my older sister and said "what are you doing to make my mother cry" I replied "she my mother tool" she put her face in mine and I said get out of my way she reply no well I seen red and said you need a good slapping you do, she goaded me and and said go on then, I slapt her across the face my mother still crying asked me to leave and has never been in touch since I really regret hiting my sister wether she needed it or not, it was completely out of character for me, I am not a violent man, later that night I phoned my other sister who was there at the time, and she said she would go over the next day and ring me, she has not been in touch, I feel very hurt that my mum has not rang me, all my life I have been bullied by my older sister and  more recently has my mum, what should I do? I will not Be calling my mum or go around ever again, as to much time and water has flowed, I know she is dieing and blood is thiker,   I will not be attending the funeral, after she has gone I will have no further contact with my family again a very sad thought. my email is ***@****

[jml1986]

Wow, you got hit really hard. Dealing with the death of a loved one while going through a divorce must have been a nightmare. What you need to remember is that we all grieve differently. So, whether you choose to do it with a new relationship, or your dad chooses to do it by hiding behind locked doors, it has to been done if you are ever going to get through it. You have come to the right site if you are looking for support to get you through this. We are all here for you, so feel free to post when and whatever you want.

[Poobah]

Hi RS,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It must be SO difficult to go through grief and a divorce at the same time.  I lost my mother also, in March 2008 due to a long illness.  I thought being prepared would help, and it probably did, but it still hurts so much.

I guess you will just have to give your dad some time to grieve right now, and maybe be there for him.  Even his life has been turned upside down.

Most people don't want to hear our problems.  We human's are so self-centered.  In my loss, I turned to God for my comfort.  I suggest you do the same.  If you do not have a Bible, please get one.  Read it and you will find MUCH comfort in what God has to say to you.

Praying for you,
Poobah