Holidays and grief over loss of son...

[BluCrystal]

My oldest son passed on July 14 of this year.  He was living 900 miles away when it happened, and we were hoping to have him visit around the holidays.  That is obviously not going to happen.  No card will be sent, no gifts exchanged, no loving phone calls... I CAN'T STAND IT!!!  Just thinking about it makes me cry.  I have asked my family to please just let me be alone on the holidays, so that I am free to grieve, and not bring everyone down.  I should be allowed this,  after holding in the pain as much as I can... for them, for work,, for the world at large.  They don't want to.  My mom wants me to come to her house on Christmas day, as per tradition, and I have told her I'm NOT coming, I am staying home where I can cry (I'm crying now, too).  She continues to try to convince me to come, and I continue to tell her no.   I want to see my mom, just not this time, not on the holidays.  My husband will do whatever I ask of him.  He is my hero.  My other kids (21 &17) want to put the tree up.  I literally want to set the thing on fire.  All the thanksgiving and christmas stuff I already see coming out in my world hurt.  I have a tear for every one of them.  How do I get them to just back off and let me do what I need to do for myself?

[CRSeaside]

Hi. You made it thru Thanksgiving.
  How are you holding up now ?   I was thinking about my father in law today. I always used to talk to him at the holidays.  My mother in law talked him into just giving up,when he got a staff infection in the hospital. Then they took out his feeding tube.
          It's harder at the holidays.
       I think if you do not feel like being fake, & you want to be left out of the party's, that should be your decision.
       My mom has told me before. " Don't be selfish" or"put a smile on your face" ..    I'm glad I'm grown up & she has less influence to push my buttons.

[SMcGregor]

Handling grief is a process and it takes time, sometimes a lot of time, before we will be able to come to the stage of thinking clearly about anything else (shock can often make us feel like a zombie - unable to think clearly and unable to make rational decisions). All of us are different and we'll do things differently! We go through grief in our own unique way.... however it is important and extremely helpful to reach out to others for assistance (and indeed for others to reach out to the one who is suffering to help them through this time). We need to talk about every single aspect of the event.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I share grief at the death/loss of a Son.  There's a hole in my Heart where my Son is supposed to be.

I am His Mother, I grew Him in my body, I delivered Him into this world and I loved Him and nurtured Him like no one else.  None the less, He was loved hugely by others -  They have grief and sadness also.

He was a Daddy, He was Baby Brother to a Brother and a Sister.  He was an Uncle. He was a Nephew.  He was a Cousin.  He had many Friends. He was very loved by very many.  They feel great loss, also.  I would feel selfish if I suggested to them that my loss is greater or "different" and that I couldn't be with them for holidays (family time).  This would hurt the People who love me, the People who loved Him.

I think Your family would prefer You share Your grief and let them share it with You as they loved Him too and they love You too.

I hope You find peace with this
Regards
Tink

[cheflady]

hello my name is Jules and i am from Englandand i really do understand your pain, anger and grief. I lost my little boy Anthony in a road accident 20 yrs ago but the pain is still there every birthday every xmas etc Knowing that i will never be a grandma wondering what he would have done for a living but i am also very proud because i gave permission for him to become a multi organ donor. The 9yr old girl you was wheelchair bound with cystic fibrosis recieved his heart&lungs and 2yrs after i got a card saying that she had won a gold medal in the transplant olympics in Canada so my brave little boy had not died in vain. Please try not to shut out your family i know it is hard but try and remember that they too are grieving they also have lost a brother and grandson and it will be tearing them apart to see you like this. It is still very early days for all of you but i honestly think your son would want you to carry on the family tradition at xmas time i am sure you all have alot of fond memories there and i think it will make you feel closer to your son. The hardest part it to stop feeling guilty if you happen to have a happy moment you feel as though you shouldnt, but you should your son would want you to grieve but he would also want you to be happy again. Please just take one day at a time, i know it is a cliche but time does heal. I wish you and all your family the best for the future. Kind regards and thoughts Jules xx