Aa
3 months
My 26 yr old son died 3 months ago yesterday....for the first time in a while I had had a bit of a breakdown...probably because I was looking through my camera and forgetting they were there, came across pictures of the last time he, his brother, my SIL and grandchildred were togethter...I went home the next day.. and then a I came acrsoss some baby pictures....it just doesn't seem possible..
My wife is real concerned about me and the depression this has left me in...my ex is convinced that I'm giong to "die of a broken heard"...I don't fortunately these times come less freqently....I still find it impossible to believe he's gone and my heart is broken...I'm so very thankful for m25 year old stepson (same name as my son) who has been such a support to me.
Jim
My wife is real concerned about me and the depression this has left me in...my ex is convinced that I'm giong to "die of a broken heard"...I don't fortunately these times come less freqently....I still find it impossible to believe he's gone and my heart is broken...I'm so very thankful for m25 year old stepson (same name as my son) who has been such a support to me.
Jim
Thank you....had a nice weekend, birthday shopping for my grandkids (grandaughter turns 5 on the 23rd, grandson 1 on the 29th) on Saturday and then yesterday I got out in the fresh air and worked in the yard, as the tundra continues to receded...my oldest daughter came by, grabbed a rake and helped me..it was great..and fun...took my mind off things.
Jim
Jim
Dear Jim,
I am happy that you have an appointment for grief counseling. That was honestly one of the smartest things I did after losing Jordan. I also joined Compassionate Friends and it also has been a livesaver meeting people who truly understand what you're feeling. Everyone cares about your loss but no one who hasn't lost a child can truly understand. It's different than any loss you will ever experience. People mean well but just can't even fathom what you're feeling. People in Compassionate Friends groups totally identify with you. Take baby steps. Get out and walk, exercise, drink lots of water. Don't do too much at a time and wear yourself out. Someday you will be able to start a foundation or help in some way to honor your son. But right now it's all about taking care of Jim. You have to be a little bit selfish for awhile. Try not to isolate too much but don't overload yourself with things to do. In other words pace yourself. I hope you don't mind the advice. Just take what you want and leave the rest. I just am sharing what has helped me and I can honestly say I've made a lot of progress over this last 19 months. I thought I would never be able to smile and laugh again, but I am. Take care and keep us posted. Susie
I am happy that you have an appointment for grief counseling. That was honestly one of the smartest things I did after losing Jordan. I also joined Compassionate Friends and it also has been a livesaver meeting people who truly understand what you're feeling. Everyone cares about your loss but no one who hasn't lost a child can truly understand. It's different than any loss you will ever experience. People mean well but just can't even fathom what you're feeling. People in Compassionate Friends groups totally identify with you. Take baby steps. Get out and walk, exercise, drink lots of water. Don't do too much at a time and wear yourself out. Someday you will be able to start a foundation or help in some way to honor your son. But right now it's all about taking care of Jim. You have to be a little bit selfish for awhile. Try not to isolate too much but don't overload yourself with things to do. In other words pace yourself. I hope you don't mind the advice. Just take what you want and leave the rest. I just am sharing what has helped me and I can honestly say I've made a lot of progress over this last 19 months. I thought I would never be able to smile and laugh again, but I am. Take care and keep us posted. Susie
Dear Jim,
I think you are doing the right thing. You will come to understand that the way you are feeling is very common and even normal under the circumstances. It may take a while, and no one can really ease the pain you are feeling, but I think just being able to separate some of the emotions and learning to understand the grieving process will help a great deal. It is hard work, but well worth it.
If that particular group doesn't work for you, try another but give it chance. I am going to try (at least I plan to) a group at one of the local churches. It is non-denominational but I am wondering if I could learn more from the religious point of view. I wish you the best and let us know how things are going. I hope you stick to your plan which sounds like a positive step forward!
I think you are doing the right thing. You will come to understand that the way you are feeling is very common and even normal under the circumstances. It may take a while, and no one can really ease the pain you are feeling, but I think just being able to separate some of the emotions and learning to understand the grieving process will help a great deal. It is hard work, but well worth it.
If that particular group doesn't work for you, try another but give it chance. I am going to try (at least I plan to) a group at one of the local churches. It is non-denominational but I am wondering if I could learn more from the religious point of view. I wish you the best and let us know how things are going. I hope you stick to your plan which sounds like a positive step forward!
just an update...I've got an appointment next week with a grief counselor at a very reputable group here next week, and I'm taking some steps to make changes in my life..
reducing my work from home schedule from 5 to 3 maybe 2 days eventually...got to get out of this "cocoon" I've made for myself here and be around other people
start excersizing, and the weather is getting nicer..start working in the yard and walking the dog...
a lot has happened in the last week which I haven't shared..it's far to insidious to get into but is tied into my son's death which had me so angry over last weekend I almost became violent...that's when I knew it was time to get moving..
will keep you updated.
Jim
reducing my work from home schedule from 5 to 3 maybe 2 days eventually...got to get out of this "cocoon" I've made for myself here and be around other people
start excersizing, and the weather is getting nicer..start working in the yard and walking the dog...
a lot has happened in the last week which I haven't shared..it's far to insidious to get into but is tied into my son's death which had me so angry over last weekend I almost became violent...that's when I knew it was time to get moving..
will keep you updated.
Jim
I can not imagine feeling the loss of a child. My brother died almost 6 months ago, and like you I too frequently remember him in the hospital bed on life support. He had signed DNR, so when his heart stopped he wasn't revived. My father is having a very difficult time, and it seems as time passes he is getting worse. He is thin and dissheveled and always has bags under his eyes. He constantly forgets things and he has lost his sense of humor and personality. He recently broke of his engagement to a wonderful woman who was a great source of support, as she also lost her oldest son 14 years ago at age 17. I just don't know what to do for him, and I am worried. It's great that your son is able to gieve with you and offer support. All I can do is offer the same advice other posters have, and the same I've offered my dad. There are many support groups that are free of charge. Seeking one out may be very beneficial. If your grief hits a point where a mild anti depressant may be called for, please don't feel like you would be numbing the pain. You will still feel it, it will only be slightly more manageable. I believe there are also groups that can help with that, if you can't afford it. Hold tight to the relationships you have. Don't let them go, even when it seems like it takes all your energy to nurture them. Just know it's all right to spend time alone when you need to. I hope you ar feeling better soon, and I hope soon you can look at a picture and remember something funny, and have a good laugh. Don't feel guilty about that either...it is a big step towards healing. Good luck and take care.
Thank you, Susie....Yes, I have great difficulty looking at pictures, particularly of one when he was 5 or 6 sitting in my lap as I read "the Night before Christmas", or pictures in my camera I just found that were taken in August, the last time I saw him a live...what I'm trying to do, which is near impossible right now, is get rid of the image of him lying in bed in ICU breathing on a machine, and 2 minutes later after he left this world..I hear music he liked, the song "Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin just reduces me to tears.
Good for you talking to kids about drugs...his mother (my ex) and I are talking about starting some sort of foundation to help kids with emotional issues as he suffered from severe depression and it seemed impossible to get him any help and we'd like to be able to help them...and alcohol..which ultimately killed him...he drank too much one night and aspirated and his roomate found him not breathing...
I do plan on finding a group to join as I have to do something..I'm finding it hard to work, do things around the house that need done and some days I just can't function...my wife is a big help as are my stepkids...
God bless you and you'll be in my prayers as well
Jim "In the arms of the angel, far away from here"
Good for you talking to kids about drugs...his mother (my ex) and I are talking about starting some sort of foundation to help kids with emotional issues as he suffered from severe depression and it seemed impossible to get him any help and we'd like to be able to help them...and alcohol..which ultimately killed him...he drank too much one night and aspirated and his roomate found him not breathing...
I do plan on finding a group to join as I have to do something..I'm finding it hard to work, do things around the house that need done and some days I just can't function...my wife is a big help as are my stepkids...
God bless you and you'll be in my prayers as well
Jim "In the arms of the angel, far away from here"
Dear Jim,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for this as it's not in the NATURAL progression of normal life to go before your children. I lost my only child Jordan who was 20 on July 4, 2007. I found him on the couch dead because someone gave him Oxycodone and it didn't mix with the anxiety medication he was prescribed. He didn't know that it would be deadly as he hadn't taken it before. So I am unfortunately well acquainted with the feelings you are going through. Grief work is the hardest work you will ever do. It's like riding a rollercoaster. I remember being at the stage you were at and someone told me that time would heal and I didn't believe them. Now at 19 months I am seeing improvement but it's only because I've read books, gone to Compassionate Friends meeting (This is a group for people who have lost children) and another group for people who have lost their children because of drugs). These support groups are no charge. Also I talk to kids at schools about drugs. I can't look at very many pictures of Jordan yet. It's still hard to go to the grocery store and see foods he liked. Little things catch you off guard, the smells of something you can relate to your son, a song you hear on the radio, a show on TV, they bring back strong memories. You need to be able to TALK about your son, get those feelings out. Don't stuff them like many men tend to do. There will come a day when you feel the rawness begin to diminish. It will never go away but at least you can cope and not feel like crying all day. I can actually laugh now and there was a time I thought a smile would never be able to come to my face. I am thankful for that. Again I am so very sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers. Susie
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for this as it's not in the NATURAL progression of normal life to go before your children. I lost my only child Jordan who was 20 on July 4, 2007. I found him on the couch dead because someone gave him Oxycodone and it didn't mix with the anxiety medication he was prescribed. He didn't know that it would be deadly as he hadn't taken it before. So I am unfortunately well acquainted with the feelings you are going through. Grief work is the hardest work you will ever do. It's like riding a rollercoaster. I remember being at the stage you were at and someone told me that time would heal and I didn't believe them. Now at 19 months I am seeing improvement but it's only because I've read books, gone to Compassionate Friends meeting (This is a group for people who have lost children) and another group for people who have lost their children because of drugs). These support groups are no charge. Also I talk to kids at schools about drugs. I can't look at very many pictures of Jordan yet. It's still hard to go to the grocery store and see foods he liked. Little things catch you off guard, the smells of something you can relate to your son, a song you hear on the radio, a show on TV, they bring back strong memories. You need to be able to TALK about your son, get those feelings out. Don't stuff them like many men tend to do. There will come a day when you feel the rawness begin to diminish. It will never go away but at least you can cope and not feel like crying all day. I can actually laugh now and there was a time I thought a smile would never be able to come to my face. I am thankful for that. Again I am so very sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers. Susie
thank you, Caroline...I never thought of the hospital and your words are very comforting and I will take them to heart...I have a very supportive wife who tells me I can't fast forward and is very patient with me when I am in a deep depression, and there are no shortcuts she reminds me...
My thoughts are with you and yours as well
Jim
My thoughts are with you and yours as well
Jim
Jim,
Losing a child at any age has to be one of the most painful experiences on earth. It's only been three months and you still are grieving and there is no right or wrong way or length of time. Check with your local hospital about support groups and also some of your local churches. They are free and you can get info. that may be quite helpful. I went to my first one last week and I think it was well worth the time. The moderators were very well trained and quite compassionate.
We think we can deal with these things ourselves, but you know sometimes we can use a little help. One of the main reasons I went to this group was to learn more about the grief process itself. How do we know what falls within "normal" and what can we expect lies ahead? I never felt such intense sadness as I felt the first four to five weeks. (my husband passed 8 wks ago) What this woman told us is that it is not at all unusual for the spouse to want to go too, at this time. I remembered feeling that way exactly but told no one. In other words, Jim, our reactions to these type of situations is not really unique at all. I am trying to gain some insight so that maybe this particular journey will be more about understanding and less about sadness and fear.
I wish I had some real words of wisdom for you but I truly believe there are none. Everyone tells me that time will heal or at least make it less painful and I sometimes find myself thinking that it is a shame we just can "fast forward" ourselves into a time when the agony of losing someone isn't so intense. I made a remark at my meeting stating that I am sooo tired of feeling this way....that I have no energy etc. The moderator told me there unfortunately aren't any shortcuts around this. I realize she is probably right. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Losing a child at any age has to be one of the most painful experiences on earth. It's only been three months and you still are grieving and there is no right or wrong way or length of time. Check with your local hospital about support groups and also some of your local churches. They are free and you can get info. that may be quite helpful. I went to my first one last week and I think it was well worth the time. The moderators were very well trained and quite compassionate.
We think we can deal with these things ourselves, but you know sometimes we can use a little help. One of the main reasons I went to this group was to learn more about the grief process itself. How do we know what falls within "normal" and what can we expect lies ahead? I never felt such intense sadness as I felt the first four to five weeks. (my husband passed 8 wks ago) What this woman told us is that it is not at all unusual for the spouse to want to go too, at this time. I remembered feeling that way exactly but told no one. In other words, Jim, our reactions to these type of situations is not really unique at all. I am trying to gain some insight so that maybe this particular journey will be more about understanding and less about sadness and fear.
I wish I had some real words of wisdom for you but I truly believe there are none. Everyone tells me that time will heal or at least make it less painful and I sometimes find myself thinking that it is a shame we just can "fast forward" ourselves into a time when the agony of losing someone isn't so intense. I made a remark at my meeting stating that I am sooo tired of feeling this way....that I have no energy etc. The moderator told me there unfortunately aren't any shortcuts around this. I realize she is probably right. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Hello;
I was going to answer your post earlier but I had a doctors appointment and had to have more blood work done. Yuk!! Thank you for your kinds words Jim. I also wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are in so much pain. I know how difficult it is to lose a child, and how very hard it is to learn to live without that child.
On a very hard day, one that I felt was going to take me out, I started a journal. I wrote in it every day, crying my eyes out every day. And then one day I caught myself giggling, and I didn't know what to do about that. I went back and read what I wrote and literally laughed out loud. When we were kids(6 of us) we could get into some trouble....:) Well, my Mom reached for her paddle and we scattered. I crawled under the bed and thought that I was so smart. The next thing that I knew, My Mom was poking me out from under the bed with the broom. My butt was on fire for several days, and I deserved it.
Maybe one day, you'll be able to look back and remember the times that you laughed with your son, and write it all down. At first I wanted to keep it my personal journal, but then I sent it to my 5 siblings and it started from there. Over the past 35 years we have boxes of journals, and once a year we all get together for a week, no mates, no kids, just the 6 of us. And it is a wonderful way to remember.
I apologize for dragging this out. But remember the shoulder is always available.
gentle hugs
Angel
I was going to answer your post earlier but I had a doctors appointment and had to have more blood work done. Yuk!! Thank you for your kinds words Jim. I also wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are in so much pain. I know how difficult it is to lose a child, and how very hard it is to learn to live without that child.
On a very hard day, one that I felt was going to take me out, I started a journal. I wrote in it every day, crying my eyes out every day. And then one day I caught myself giggling, and I didn't know what to do about that. I went back and read what I wrote and literally laughed out loud. When we were kids(6 of us) we could get into some trouble....:) Well, my Mom reached for her paddle and we scattered. I crawled under the bed and thought that I was so smart. The next thing that I knew, My Mom was poking me out from under the bed with the broom. My butt was on fire for several days, and I deserved it.
Maybe one day, you'll be able to look back and remember the times that you laughed with your son, and write it all down. At first I wanted to keep it my personal journal, but then I sent it to my 5 siblings and it started from there. Over the past 35 years we have boxes of journals, and once a year we all get together for a week, no mates, no kids, just the 6 of us. And it is a wonderful way to remember.
I apologize for dragging this out. But remember the shoulder is always available.
gentle hugs
Angel
and Mid my heart goes out to you, losing your sister as you did..I'm so afraid that one day we're going to get new of my sister, or my daughters (23 and 20)...
May God grant you peace.
Jim
May God grant you peace.
Jim
thank you, Judy...and yes there are support groups...I am not in counseling yet because to be perfectly honest our financial situation is such that we've had to cut a lot of expenses (my wife is on disability) and we're forking out a lot of money to my wife's kids (long story) but I intend to get into counseling...my wife is a good listener and my best friend at work is at well, as is my surviving son who seems to go through the same cycles as me..
I can't seem to get the image out of my head of him lying there on life support for several days and in less than 2 minutes after removal there was just his body..during those 4 days I kissed him and hugged and talked to him and cried over him til I thought I'd not have another tear left..I try not to look at pictures...but occasionally stumble across them..
I miss him so...and the conversatons we had on the phone and the years of his life that I missed while he lived in Georgia with is mom and I in New Hampshire..or after his mom and I divorced here in NH, though I saw him frequently...I'd give anything to have those years back...
Thank you all for listening and responding
God Bless
I can't seem to get the image out of my head of him lying there on life support for several days and in less than 2 minutes after removal there was just his body..during those 4 days I kissed him and hugged and talked to him and cried over him til I thought I'd not have another tear left..I try not to look at pictures...but occasionally stumble across them..
I miss him so...and the conversatons we had on the phone and the years of his life that I missed while he lived in Georgia with is mom and I in New Hampshire..or after his mom and I divorced here in NH, though I saw him frequently...I'd give anything to have those years back...
Thank you all for listening and responding
God Bless
Jim I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you!
I know its hard to even think that all of this could be real
I think it takes along time to pass the shock stage
Are you in counselling?
Is there a support group there?
Remember this board is always here for you to let out those feelings when ever you feel the need..
( for me it's me been 9 months since my sister was murdered and Its really hard to except that this has happend!)
Mid
I know its hard to even think that all of this could be real
I think it takes along time to pass the shock stage
Are you in counselling?
Is there a support group there?
Remember this board is always here for you to let out those feelings when ever you feel the need..
( for me it's me been 9 months since my sister was murdered and Its really hard to except that this has happend!)
Mid
Hi Jim,
I't very difficult and recent. You are just beginning to experience the grief process and it is the most difficult experience in your life. My mother died in July 19, 2007 (2 yrs in July) and I feel the same way as if she was just buried. How do you get over losing a mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, child, pet? There is no way around this one, it's life changing. I am a motherless daughter, I feel orphaned and yet I want to yell at the world, "I have a mother"..."I do" and if I would have died first than my mom, she was so emotionally frail and a person, she would have never recovered. Jim, you son would not want you to suffer. That would be last thing any child would want. Your love and bond is beyond death. Not even death can seperate you. It seperated you in the physical, but never in the spirit. Your son wants you to "live"...live a full, happy, peaceful life (that is what I would want for my mom), and according to the bible, he is only in a deep "sleep", and the promise of the resurrections is that you will be reunited in God's time, so go out there and make your precious son proud and "live" life to the fullest. We are here for you whenever you will have what I call and experienced "moments". I had one today on my way to the cemetary. Here in Chicago it snowed, so I cleared my moms grave and wrote with my finger "I Love You Mom" and great bit "LOVED".
Your son does not want you suffering...it would break his heart and make him sad, so take a "quite time" to reflect and it's one day at a time.
Judy
I't very difficult and recent. You are just beginning to experience the grief process and it is the most difficult experience in your life. My mother died in July 19, 2007 (2 yrs in July) and I feel the same way as if she was just buried. How do you get over losing a mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, child, pet? There is no way around this one, it's life changing. I am a motherless daughter, I feel orphaned and yet I want to yell at the world, "I have a mother"..."I do" and if I would have died first than my mom, she was so emotionally frail and a person, she would have never recovered. Jim, you son would not want you to suffer. That would be last thing any child would want. Your love and bond is beyond death. Not even death can seperate you. It seperated you in the physical, but never in the spirit. Your son wants you to "live"...live a full, happy, peaceful life (that is what I would want for my mom), and according to the bible, he is only in a deep "sleep", and the promise of the resurrections is that you will be reunited in God's time, so go out there and make your precious son proud and "live" life to the fullest. We are here for you whenever you will have what I call and experienced "moments". I had one today on my way to the cemetary. Here in Chicago it snowed, so I cleared my moms grave and wrote with my finger "I Love You Mom" and great bit "LOVED".
Your son does not want you suffering...it would break his heart and make him sad, so take a "quite time" to reflect and it's one day at a time.
Judy
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