one year coming up =(

[turkee23]

my grandma passed away unexpected in december. on december 6th she wasnt in the "best" health, but she still drove herself around, went food shopping, and walked around the house just fine. one saturday morning my mom went in her house (we are neighbors/duplex) like normal to say good morning and put the dog out if needed and my grandma was on the floor next to her bed. we dont know how long she was there or what happened, 911 came put the tube down her throat and started breathing for her. she went to hospital and they put her on a ventilator and we found out she had a small heart attack and that why she was on the floor. at the hospital she was on breathing machine for a few days and they tried taking her off, only after a few hours they had to put her back on it. few days later they wanted to try and take her off of it again and the family agreed, but this time they also agreed to NOT put her back on it if she needed it. she couldnt speak, barely opened her eyes, but i told he "gram is me, its kristyn if you can hear me squeeze my hand, and boy i tell you she squeezed!!!! i know she heard me, i told her i loved her and that i would take good care of daisy (the dog) i was heart broken, i knew i wasnt going to see her after that moment. i stayed for a few hours and then went home, 6 am she was gone.. just a FEW days before god told me to go in there and hug her for some reason,like he knew her time was right around the corner and i needed to tell her that i loved her before she couldnt respond. thank god i got to do that, thank you jesus. so i went in her house gave her a huge hug and kiss, and she even asked me "what was that for" i told her "oh nothing just because".. seeing her in the bed hooked up to those machines is ALWAYS going to stay pictured in my head..seeing her chest go up and down with the crazy noises of the machines is glued in my mind, that wasnt my grandma. i still cry ALL the time, even now im crying writing this. i cry when i see her picture, i cry when i see other old women cause i miss her so much.i miss her when i hear her front door open, but i know its not her. my mom told me right before she passed away " grandma told me that you went in and hugged her the other day, that made her soooo happy that you dont even know".... i just dont think that this is never going to EVER get any easier.... what am i suppoed to do when my mom or dad goes?....or child?.... i can barely make is after my grandma passes..... i love you gram and always will...your baby girl Krys

[Judy246]

Gram loves you too and I promise that it will get better. If it hurts too much to hear music, give it a break until you can handle it. I use to call my mom in the middle of the night like a small child, who lost her mom, "mommy, where are you that I can't see you? over and over. She was always mom, and her death reduced me to "mommy"?

You will dream with her when you least expected and it's very comforting. You know she loves you and want you to simply "live" life. Rest easy.....Judy

[turkee23]

thanks so muchf or your words, as i sit here reading them , im still crying. its just so hard, even the words grandma and like knives in my chest....i always get this HUGE ball in my throat as i try and fight the tears (being at work, school, or near my mom). as im writing this the song " how do i live" is playing.." how do i breathe with out you,if you ever go, how do i ever, ever survive?.... how do i live with out you".. ironic huh?.....

i know she is watching over me and my family and im thanksful for that. i know she is in me, we have alot of the same things, my height,  my finger nails( i was the only one in the WHOLE huge italian family to get her long pretty fingernails), sense of humor. alot.

just hurt to know i wont see her again until my times comes.... i dont think i have seen her in my dreams yet. i have called her name, and even tried calling her phone one day until i realized it was just a ring on the other end of the phone with nobody to answer....one day i will see her again. i love you gram

thanks so much judy

[Judy246]

Oh sweetie, you are in the early stages of the grief process and it's going to take time.
God saw her getting weaker and did what He thought was best, he called by name to come home to rest. You beautiful grandmother knew you were there and you are her legacy. You are an extension of your grandma, without her, you would not be here, so live your life fully the way she would have wanted you to live and make her very proud.

Remember she is only a transition away...she is a prayer away and one day in Gods time, she will come to you in the form of a dream...this is a sign of comfort that she is ok. God will not give you more that you can handle. When my mom died, I wanted to die to, but strong faith in God got me through. My mom was also a Christian and will live my life in a way that she would have been very proud.

Rest easy and don't worry about what's going to happen tomorrow, because we don't know, so don't make yourself crazy thinking too much....right now...one day at a time. ok. Sending you lots of hugs....Judy