suicide ,,of my two children ,....

[bell124]

hi everyone ,.this is my frist time in the loss and grief ,im in the depression forum ,...........i couldnt up till come in here ,.........but im here now ........and my question is ,............if there is someone out there that has had two children die from suicide can they please let me know how they are dealing with it ,............because im not dealing with it so good ,.......i have become suicidal myself through this ,........i know i need to be here for my young son ,,but sometimes the pain is overwhelming ,.........and i dont see my young son there ,..........its like i go into a world of my own ,......and im afraid i will never come out of that world ,....i dont want to die ,..but i dont want to live with this pain .,........i have a very good friend on mh ,.......and she has been great to me ,..but as much as that has been i still need to talk to someone in my position ,.............dont ask me why because i dont even know that myself ,...till it happens ,............thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this ,..........

[suzi-q]

Hi bell,  

so glad to see you in this community.  I truly hope someone out there who has been through the pain you are going through responds to you.  I know you feel very alone and I hope you find the support you need to make it through...God bless you and I pray for your strength.

Suzi

[MJIthewriter]

My grandma lost one of her children to suicide... She could probably tell you better than I can, but it was very rough for her. She still gets tears on occasion talking about my uncle who passed away at 18.  It is hard, but it does get better.  Don't be afraid to just cry sometimes.  It's alright to cry.  You know I read somewhere that crying helps animals to heal faster.

Interesting.

[jml1986]

I have no clue how you feel, but I can tell you that I come from a family where there there have been 15 suicides by families members, and I know that your pain must be unbearable. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[bell124]

thanks to all of you for your comments ,..........suziq,......i have a very good friend here on mh jen ,........i dont know if i still would be here if not for her ,.......talking to her and just haveing fun sometimes every day has helped me so much ,.........she has never let me down never ,...........she is allways there when need her ,..........and there are 1000,s of miles between us ,.......but she is still there for me ,...........i just thought i might meat some other mother like myself ,.....i just feel i dont belong here ,.not on mh ,..........but here on this earth ,.........with people that have never had suicide in there families ,.......and dont think im  been silly ,......thats how  a member, of a family, of a suicide death feels ,.......you feel people might turn there back on you ,...when they hear the word suicide ,........like it is catching ,.prob for family members ,.......but not for some ,.........i do understand when jml1986 said he know of 15 members of the one family ,....its often family's that are wiped out ,............i cant say any more just now ,so thanks to all ,........

[suzi-q]

Bell,  I worked with a woman who lost her son to suicide, and also, a man in my school district who also lost a son to suicide.  I used to have a neighbor who lost her son to suicide and a friend of a friend who lost her sister to suicide...I am telling you this because you are definitely not alone in your pain.  I know of 4 different situations as I just told you...and multipy that by the many many people who are here on this earth.  You DO belong here.  You just need to find the right support group.  Maybe there are people here on medhelp who have experienced the same loss, but aren't ready to talk about it...Do not give up.

When my parents passed away my therapist suggested that I go to grief counseling.  It is a free service usually offered through the city or county where you live.  They have all different groups.  The one that I was part of was "adult children who lost a parent"...I am sure they have groups for people who lost a child to suicide, or something close.  Please make a phone call and try to find a group near you.  It was the best thing that I did.  It was a very helpful experience and helped take away "I feel so alone in this" feeling that you are experiencing.  

You are stuck in the grips of grief and you are very angry.  It is a very normal feeling to feel as you do, however, if you are in this state for a long time, you need to find help to help you move forward through the other stages until you get to acceptance.  Acceptance doesn't mean forgeting...I will never forget my parents and I think of them and quote them on a daily basis and pray for their souls every night, but when you accept it, you can then smile again and move forward.  You can be happy again and things can be okay!  

I will pray for you to find that acceptance in your heart and to be able to move forward through this terrible, terrible grief that you have suffered.

[bell124]

oh i know im not alone in my pain ,..............but were are all of those people ,....are they hiding ,...........or ,.is it they just wont go out because there so depressed from there suicides they have had ,......just like me ,......i wont go out unless i really have to ,...i know there are lots of good people that dont even know what to say to us ,...and i say us ,...like were from a different planet ,....im known up my street  as the women that had two suicides ,.........i know you mean well suzi-q but when its your own flesh and blood your  children you carried in you ,.....thats how close you are to them ,....i feel like ive lost half my body ,....and i will never accept it ,..........im sorry ,....ive gone to a suicide counselor  ,.........and after 1 year she knew i needed to see a therpist ,...and im with one now ,....but i still feel half of my body is gone ,....how can anyone live with half of a body ,.........im not angry ,..im lonely and hurting for my son and daughter to be here again with me ,..............you are right about been stuck in grief ,...i find it even hard to cry ,....i need to have a good cry ,.........that in itself makes me feel im not human ,....its only a matter of time with me ,........

[gwmclean]

I know that I can never feel the same pain that you must be feeling.  I would never insult you by saying that I could even relate to what you must be going through.  I am having many dark thoughts, and the one thing that has help to keep me here is thinking of what is waiting for me.  Focus on the what is around you and try not to dwell on what has passed.  Honour their memory but try not to live in it.  I don't know what the circumstance where that caused the turmoil in your life, but you sound like a strong woman with some fight left in her.  I dont have any answers for you, and as someone on the edge himself I may be the last person you want to talk to, but I am here for you if you want.

[jml1986]

Wow, I must admit, I find myself hurting for you everytime I log on the this site. I also find myself reflecting on how I felt when I lost my dad. I knew that everyone meant well by all there comments or advice, but I just felt like telling them all to go to hell. Had I not been hurting so bad, I would never have felt that way, but I just could not process it all with so much pain.

[kipland]

I know you're looking for others in the same situation as you.  I'm not one of them, so I can't even pretend to know what you're going through.  But I did want to say that I'm so very sorry that you had to experience this, and that you're having a hard time.  Death is never easy - and especially in this situation.  It leaves the ones left behind with a whole lot of "what if I did this......or that?".  It's so unfair.   You're in my prayers.....

Lori

[bell124]

can i just say thank you all so much ,....just by you responding  back to me means  that you are very caring people ,......i dont  expect any of you to give me answers ,....i couldnt do that to you ,........and that wouldn't be fare on any of you ,........jlm,.....please dont hurt for me im hurting enough for both of us thanks ,..............gwmclean ,,,,,,i was a woman with a lot of strength at one time,...i even manged to keep strong after my son died ,.........but some how my strength is leaving me bit by bit ,...since my daughter died ,.......they used to call me the rock lol.....lol.....that sound like the wrestler ,.....but something tells me this rock is crumbling ,.....but thanks and you mind yourself also,............to kipland yes i am looking for a mother that has lost two children from suicide ,i dont know were we could even begin if one came forward ,... i just know there would be something.,......and you are very good to say not to pretend to me ,....thats what i need horniest people ,...i do believe you are all so sorry or you wouldn't have been here with me ,......half of my body has gone ,....and as ive said how do you live with half a body ,.......i am not angry i am just tired ,..tired from living all this hurt in my life ,......this life means  nothing to me anymore ,.....there is a big hole in it and i can never fill it in again ,....

[Wendallzmom]

I have not lost a child to suicide, but I have lost my husband that way over 20 years ago.  Our son was 3 at the time...a few years later, my husbands brother died that way too.  I do know that once there is one ...others see it more as a choice or an option than they did before they knew someone that did it.  I went through a bad few months after and drank a lot...one night in an alcohol haze I was walking outside and saw a broken bottle on the street...I picked up the glass and was going to slice my wrists and die right there...I sat on the curb and cried and thought of my son...and couldnt do it...I ran to my friends house and told her I had to do something...I just couldnt go on with this pain...she brought me to the hospital and stayed there for 3 days...they did not treat me softly there...they told me that with suicide in the family now...that my son had a 50% better chance of seeing this as an option...if I did it through alcoholism or actually doing it I might as well put the gun to his head....as I sat there crying ...they walked my 3 year old son in the room...talk about a wake up call...I knew that I was falling apart but I had completely forgot about the precious little life that God had put in my hands...That day I quit drinking and became Jesse's mother again...Jesse is 28 now...and we made it...we still have days we sit and laugh and cry remembering his father, yes, he was here a short time...and left us in such a horrible way...but the time we had with him is such a gift and we are so thankful for that...as the Garth Brooks song goes...

Yes my life, is better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss, the dance

The dance gave me my beautiful son, and I spent the last 20 some years making the "our dance" as magical as possible...

I don't know if my story will help you...but do know that you are in my prayers...and I am here...dancing!

[snoozies43]

I can only say that loses are a tremedous feeling. And is a Loss for sure.

I will not go into my history. However i can say that i should not be here 4 times over. Not of my choices..life happened.

"Miracles" happen. Please stay strong. Never give up.

Peace & prosperity 2 you.

[bell124]

i would like to thank snoozies43,...............for comeing here and sharing what you just did to me ,............and to wendallzmom ,..........i am truly sorry for your loss ,....i have takeing you story in a lot ,.......its a very sad story and i so glad you have made it through life  for your son and for yourself  ,........i have been here 6 years so far and every day is a life sentence ,.......i have a young son and a grown up daughter ,...i love them so much ,....i never want to die and leave them ,.....but im also not the same mom they knew ,....they have lost there brother and sister but they have also lost there mom in the way ive been left ,.and when i think i might have another 30 or 40 years of this life it makes me feel worse ,.........i also have been told my son is a high risk of takeing his life because of his brother and sister ,..........and i feel i just cant stay here and see that again ,........i am still here for him and thats all i know ,........but the treat is allways there with me ,........and for now i will go on talking to people that want to talk to me ,its so hard to put the last 6 years of my life on here ,........but im trying ,........thank you ,.

[jml1986]

From what my family has been told, your son is at higher risk. Our family was contacted by a leading research hospital after the 14th death, and they wanted to try and isolate a gene or something that could tell them what makes so many people in one family kill themselves. The catch to the study was that there had to have 2 siblings from each family to do it. Sadly there were only a couple that were willing to do it, the others preferred to live with blinders on saying the deaths were in no way caused by something genetic that they themselves might have. The most that we will probably ever learn about why this is happening is that all of the family members that killed themselves, suffered from severe depression. So, our fate continues to be and probably forever will be is who is next.
I pray that surviving son, knows what you have gown through and will seek help if he see the signs in himself.

[bell124]

hi jiml1986,..........yes i have been told my young son is a high risk to suicide ,.....and my my two children that died from suicide did suffer with depression ,......my son had it for about 5 years before he died but i didnt even know my daughter had it so bad ,........she was just starting it when  she died ,......depression is  on mine and my husband side of the family's ,.........and yes i have a big fear in me my other son will take his life to when he gets older ,........i know only to well it runs in family's and thats what i fear now for my son ,........he is 11 years old now and already im fearing for him ,.......and im finding the strain to much to cope with on top of trying to grieve for my children ,.......i pray for him to ,......but i also know when your so depressed you dont see people around you ,........thanks for your prayers

[Babybaw4]

Hello I was just lurking around on this page and came across your post. Let me say how sorry I am and I know it doesnt change much as people told that to me many times when my fiance committed suicide. Your in the right place and your not alone, believe me its awful and no good way of putting it.. I a few sites that I had got really close was the www.****.***(Survivors of Suicide Group ) and my fiance's mom got into a group called www.pos.com (Parents of Suicide Suide) She was hooked and addicted as well as myself. You deal with people who dealt with just suicide and its a awesome group. Did you look into any local funeral homes? I am asking because they had provided us with a chuch who held weekly meetings it was a Suicide Support group and I swear by it it was real life people who just gave some good advice.. I hope you do find peace. Although I didnt lose a child I can only imagine that pain but no matter who you lost to Suicide still hurts the same.. Your in my thoughts and prayers

[coastal77]

First, my prayers are with you. I am amazed at your strength. I feel so bad because I am dealing with an empty nest loss and you have made me realize just how blessed I am. It dawned on me that you have a story that could help others. This may be to fresh now but I think that though God does not create tragedy or illness or death, He can use it for good so that it can turn it around for as much good as possible.
I don't even for one second think I can understand your pain. But I admire your tremendous strength just for waking up everyday and reaching out.
I know when my dad died I thought... why are people lauging or smiling? And one day I realized that I was laughing and smiling. Death is so hard to understand. Especially in the way you have had to. But you said you have a young son. Be there for him. You have a wonderful soul to continue to nurture. Get help for both of you because I am sure he is hurting too.
But consider my word... You have a story to tell... and I am going to pray for the best happy ending you could ask for!
God Bless you!

[bell124]

can i say to you both thank you for takeing the time to read my story ,........i will look into the suicide group...........and im so sorry babybaw4  for your  pain that you and will allways feel ,......and i do believe your pain is just like mine ,.......a suicide death is one of the hardest deaths to deal with no matter who it is ,.....costal177 i glad i have help you ,.how ??i dont know but if you feel i did i will believe you ,...........i know you could never feel  my pain i could never expit you to ,.....and i would never put such pain on anyone ,.....but youve had pain and the pain of your dad dying ,...i have felt that same pain of my dad dying ,.....and i thought i would die myself when i lost my dad ,...........i have a young son 11 years old and believe me i have got him so much help with all of this ,.....he is doing ok ,....and its him thats keeping me here on this earth ,.....there is one think i would like to do if i get through this ,.......and that would be to help someone else just like myself ,....if i could just help one person ,......i would know then that god has left me here for reason ,......thank you all ,.............

[coastal77]

Maybe just start from the beginning journaling. I am writing a book I titled Scared Of Daddy Long Legs about the empty nest syndrome and letting go. I have been working on it before my daughter moved out.
I think you write well in the way you described your situation.
The best way is to take each memory. Start at the beginning. Maybe at the very beginning.... as a young mother or maybe at your childhood.... I think it will basically just come to you if it is meant to be.
You definitely have a survivors story and I think that you will find it therapeutic as you write. Something good can always come out of even the most tragic of things. Your courage and strength inspires me. I just have a feeling our paths were meant to cross and I was supposed to suggest this. Maybe because I am a writer and hope to inspire you too. Sometimes when you have a focus it helps ease the pain.

[bell124]

to coastal177,.........thank you but i dont think i could right about my life ,.........in saying that i would love be able to write it because there is so much to right but im not a writer ,.and i would never know what way to put in on paper ,........that was very thought full of you to suggest that to me and i know if someone like me were to write about there life and and loosing two children to suicide + an 11 year old son who i just found this year had a tumor on his leg thank god its benign ,....and a daughter who is still here with me in  whom i struggled with for 6 years to help her get better and of heroin ,.....about a husband that could be violent towards me ,.........yes that is something i would love to write about ,.......but it would take a life time to write it ,......and i dont think i have that sort of time left ,.......thank you  for your interest in my life ,.........

[coastal77]

I would title your book.... Unrecognized Hero
You are mine. Your courage is inspiring. I am praying for your life and your family.

[bell124]

and who it the hero,.....?????not  me i hope ,...........no im a mother trying to look after her family thats all ,.........

[jac918]

im sorry for your losses. reading this column, grief counceling in a group type setting in my opinion is not an option, but a must. there you will see and meet real people who are also dealing with this harsh reality. you will be able to make friends with others who feel as lost as you do and know that you are not alone during your worst times, you can pick up the phone and call someone who truly understands, if they have children, it may be good for your son as he continues to get through this also. take comfort in knowing that your children are in heaven, where they came from to begin with. do you go to church? sometimes it is there, where there are no outside distractions that God is able to speak to our hearts and we can hear Him. You are meant to be in THIS world right now, i know this because you have 2 other children who love you whom you have helped and nurtured. when you feel like giving up, remember that always, what would it do to them if you left too. i dont mean to put your grief aside, i have children of my own, and i cant imagine what you're going through, but your job here is not finished, you have 2 other lives that need you. they are watching what you do and it is affecting them also. you have suffered the most horrendous loss but you can get through it, work through your emotions one by one with your councelor therapist. healing takes time, i dont know how long ago this happened, and i know you cant see it now, but your pain will ease, take things one day at a time, allow yourself that time. grief is as strong of an emotion as love is. by what ive read, you ARE a strong woman, you WILL get through this. be careful of antidepressants, though they are helpful in most cases, they also can cause suicidal feelings that add to what you have already felt. nerve pills also have the same side affect. when you get to a low point, take a walk or excercise, it is a small thing but it helps produce more of our "feel good" hormone. though its probably the last thing youll want to do, or feel like doing, give it a try, make yourself. it cant hurt anything, and it may get you over that hump for the time being, and if it works, then great, its another way to help get through, i am truly sorry for your losses, but dont allow yourself too much idle time, that is when the mind starts to wander. God IS watching over you, He has carried you through your worst times, just like the "Footprints In The Sand" story. as for your neighbors, they probably all feel bad for you but would not know how to approach you. i will be praying for you.  

[bell124]

thank you for you comment on taking the time to answer me ,......its been 3  years since my son and 3 years since my daughter ,.....over all 6 years ,....i know everything you have said you are right about ,.....and i will be honest with you there are times i just dont want to be here, children or not ,....i have had enought at times with everyone and everything ,....this is so hard for me and i am still trying ,.....but if i had just one wish it would be to wish i was never born ,......