suicide ,,of my two children ,....

[bell124]

hi everyone ,.this is my frist time in the loss and grief ,im in the depression forum ,...........i couldnt up till come in here ,.........but im here now ........and my question is ,............if there is someone out there that has had two children die from suicide can they please let me know how they are dealing with it ,............because im not dealing with it so good ,.......i have become suicidal myself through this ,........i know i need to be here for my young son ,,but sometimes the pain is overwhelming ,.........and i dont see my young son there ,..........its like i go into a world of my own ,......and im afraid i will never come out of that world ,....i dont want to die ,..but i dont want to live with this pain .,........i have a very good friend on mh ,.......and she has been great to me ,..but as much as that has been i still need to talk to someone in my position ,.............dont ask me why because i dont even know that myself ,...till it happens ,............thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this ,..........

[jac918]

hmmm, i guess i was wrong, i went back into the forum again, and there i see what i just wrote. well that was sort of stupid, considering if i couldnt find the next page, i dont know how i thought i would see how to get to the next page.  duuuuuhhhhh!  i clicked on your profile page, its nice to put a face with a name. your pictures are beautiful. i think about you alot, and wonder how you are doing. i cant even imagine what you are going through, i can only see the tears in your words. when we lose loved ones, the grief we feel is very strong, as you are feeling, the grip can get a strangle hold on us, to where we just want to give in and give up. please, just take one day at a time. dont give in and give up. have you looked into any groups where there are people in a room with you sharing their stories? it might be hard at first, but i am sure, you will find some ways to deal with this grief hour by hour, day by day. there IS hope, dont allow this grief to continue to take your life and your spirit. i know you feel dead inside, but you're not. as time goes by, your pain will ease, your sun will shine again, when acceptance within yourself has come, you are still being forced to accept what has happened because you had no choice, you may not be able to move on until you voluntarily accept what has happened. this is in no way your fault, sometimes we blame ourselves and feel like we should have known, or we should have seen signs, but alot of times we dont. we are all only human. i am still praying for you. i care about you my sister in Ireland,

[jac918]

bell, i see that you are also on here this early in the morning and you've posted a comment to me, but i cant find out how to get to the next page of this discussion. i have this discussion on the "watch" list so i never have trouble finding it, but now i cant get to the next page. how do i do that?

[jac918]

A little boy was spending his Saturday morning playing in his sandbox. He had with him his box of cars and trucks, his plastic pail, and a shiny, red plastic shovel. In the process of creating roads and tunnels in the soft sand, he discovered a large rock in the middle of the sandbox.. The lad dug around the rock, managing to dislodge it from the dirt. With no little bit of struggle, he pushed and nudged the rock across the sandbox by using his feet. (He was a very small boy and the rock was very huge.) When the boy got the rock to the edge of the sandbox, however, he found that he couldn’t roll it up and over the little wall..

Determined, the little boy shoved, pushed, and pried, but every time he thought he had made some progress, the rock tipped and then fell back into the sandbox.. The little boy grunted, struggled, pushed, shoved—but his only reward was to have the rock roll back, smashing his chubby fingers.. Finally he burst into tears of frustration... All this time the boy’s father watched from his living room window as the drama unfolded.

At the moment the tears fell, a large shadow fell across the boy and the sandbox. It was the boy’s father... Gently but firmly he said, “Son, why didn’t you use all the strength that you had available?” Defeated, the boy sobbed back, “But I did, Daddy, I did! I used all the strength that I had! “No, son,” corrected the father kindly. “You didn’t use all the strength you had. You didn’t ask me.” With that the father reached down, picked up the rock, and removed it from the sandbox.

- Author unknown

[bell124]

thanks tish,......thanks for all that advice,.....but ive seen all that after my son died ,and i was making a reall go of it ,....then my world came crashing down around me once more ,.....and its takeing away all my strength bit ,by bit ,i dont want to see anything again ,...it hurts to much for it to be takeing away from me again ,........i cant bear for anyway else to die that i know ,....and it will happen it has to ,..........i am urging the strength to leave my body and im willing myself to die ,.........,.....

[Tish408]

Hi Belle, didn't know about your kiddos, omg I couldent know.. I know that your a strong girl and we dont always understand, things but I know my spirituality has kept me from going you know where.There are still things to do, see grandbabies, see places like Ireland, or Colorado lol, and you are here for us, these people on this internet site who could use your wealth of experience. there are so many of us who love you from far and near, because you care enough to write us back and I thank God for you. You are my angel.Tisha

[bell124]

sorry jen ,...but i dont think it is strong enought ,.....keep the  glue for someone else that might need  it ,.........i still have some heart left ,..not much, but some ,.....its holding out for now ,......ta ,