Hello all. I am a 30 year old closeted gay man who have lost myself to hook-ups.
Basically, I am fearful that I have contracted HIV because of my numerous partners and sexual behavior.
In the past four years, I may have had around 50-60 sexual partners. I feel I am the most promiscuous man on earth.
My sexual behavior is only limited to passionate kissing, oral sex (more on getting sucked), and mutual masturbation.
I swear to God that I have never, NEVER engaged in anal sex because I have always been fearful of HIV. Yes, I am a virgin down there.
On some instances that I would give oral sex to my partner, I made sure that they would NEVER ejaculate inside my mouth. There were some times I would feel pre-*** in my mouth, but whenever I did, I made sure to swallow or spit it it out immediately. If I do suck, it only lasted 30 seconds or less. I don't do needles nor drugs.
I grew up hiding in a conservative country where getting tested can vilify and out you. I am ashamed I haven't had testing in those years, but that is about to change, albeit too late.
I am becoming fearful because in the past six months, I've had this recurring boil in my pubic area that appears and goes away in a week. Then I had three bouts of diarrhea that would last a day or two. Just recently I contracted chickenpox (not vaccinated, first time to be infected) which made me fearful even more.
I usually ask guys about their status, to which they would say they are negative. But of course, a part of me thinks they are lying so I still never engage in anal sex.
I consulted my GP for my chickenpox and finally had the heart to insert my sexual behavior. She didn't seemed concerned about it but I personally asked if I could get her to request for STI/HIV screening. She agreed to put my mind at ease.
I am going to have the test in 60 days time. Meanwhile, I am just devastated by the fact that I could already have the virus because something up there is punishing me for my sexual behavior. Yes, I am guilty. Yes, I feel bad.
Since I am still under house arrest because of the chickenpox, I have done nothing but search Dr. Google all about the disease and terrifying stories about the small chances of me being the unlucky one getting HIV through oral sex/kissing. I am scared about those possibilities because of those small abrasions in the mouth. I do have some mild bleeding in my front gums whenever I would brush or press my gums too hard. I fear that it could have been a passage way.
For the past few days, I have been confined to my bed just worrying and losing my mind. I was hoping if I could get some reassurance from this community and help me get through until I take the test.