Aa
I have a confession (Oral Sex Worry-well Survivor)
I have been stalking this board for the last year. I'd come on late at night, and early in the morning. I've thought of it on my long drive home from work. I've even gone to it at work, sometimes for just a few quick seconds. I knew it was wrong and I knew that it was irrational, but I did it anway. I couldn't help myself. Soon I began to get to know the frequent posters. I found myself looking forward to Teak's confirmations of the zero-risk of HIV from oral sex, and even began to become fond of LizzieLou's no-nonsense responses. And all this because of my no-risk exposures.
I have spent a year and a half of my life worried about HIV and STDs. I went to three clinics to get tested, and was turned away at the door because I have an HMO, and therefore couldn't be tested bc in my state, the insurance wouldn't pay and the clinics are not allowed to take people's money bc it is the law that everyone must have insurance. I was caught in a catch 22. I thought about taking the home test, and then I'd come on here and get confirmation that I didn't need to. Then I'd find myself feeling dizzy. I'd note my diarrhea and of course thought it was a symptom of HIV. Dark circles under my eyes were a sure sign of my infection, too. White tongue. Yep, I had it. A stiff neck? Must be syphillis, too. I came down with every single solitary "symptom" known to man, but the rational part of me knew better; I knew that my risks were low and that I had no reason to really be so concerned. Still, I couldnt help myself.
I think I was punishing myself. In fact, I know I was. I am a straight man who is secretly gay, and who hates himself for it. I don't want to be who I am. Isn't that sad? But I digress, because the point is bigger than my own self-loathing issues.
I finally tested - not because I went out and asked to be - but because I finally made it into an Urgent Care center and confessed everything in one huge emotional climax of a moment. And the doctor decided that it would be in my best interest to test, and to get the negative results (yes, even he knew they would be negative from the oral sex exposures). I waited for 4 days. I was shaking the entire time. And the sick part is, I was more worried about how I would tell my friends and family that I was 1. HIV + and 2. gay. But my results were negative. Of course they were. Thats what everyone on these boards had been saying for a year and a half. And for some reason, no matter how many times they said it, and no matter how much the rational part of me agreed with them, I simply couldn't believe it until I saw the results myself.
I share this with all of you because I know that somewhere out there is someone just like me who is either in a similar situation now or who will be in the future. I want better for them. I want them to get over it. To forget about this no risk exposure and to move on. Its not worth your time worrying about it. But if you must, go get tested like I did, collect your negative results, and move on.
Thank you to everyone on this board who posted over the last year and a half. Even though I wasnt a frequent poster, i was a frequent reader....and I can imagine theres a lot more like me out there. Your work does not go unappreciated. But now I have to say goodbye - to close this chapter of my life and focus on the future.
Good luck my friends. I wish you all the best.
And for those of you reading this who need one last confirmation of it, here goes:
Oral sex = no risk for HIV.
Goodbye, all.
I have spent a year and a half of my life worried about HIV and STDs. I went to three clinics to get tested, and was turned away at the door because I have an HMO, and therefore couldn't be tested bc in my state, the insurance wouldn't pay and the clinics are not allowed to take people's money bc it is the law that everyone must have insurance. I was caught in a catch 22. I thought about taking the home test, and then I'd come on here and get confirmation that I didn't need to. Then I'd find myself feeling dizzy. I'd note my diarrhea and of course thought it was a symptom of HIV. Dark circles under my eyes were a sure sign of my infection, too. White tongue. Yep, I had it. A stiff neck? Must be syphillis, too. I came down with every single solitary "symptom" known to man, but the rational part of me knew better; I knew that my risks were low and that I had no reason to really be so concerned. Still, I couldnt help myself.
I think I was punishing myself. In fact, I know I was. I am a straight man who is secretly gay, and who hates himself for it. I don't want to be who I am. Isn't that sad? But I digress, because the point is bigger than my own self-loathing issues.
I finally tested - not because I went out and asked to be - but because I finally made it into an Urgent Care center and confessed everything in one huge emotional climax of a moment. And the doctor decided that it would be in my best interest to test, and to get the negative results (yes, even he knew they would be negative from the oral sex exposures). I waited for 4 days. I was shaking the entire time. And the sick part is, I was more worried about how I would tell my friends and family that I was 1. HIV + and 2. gay. But my results were negative. Of course they were. Thats what everyone on these boards had been saying for a year and a half. And for some reason, no matter how many times they said it, and no matter how much the rational part of me agreed with them, I simply couldn't believe it until I saw the results myself.
I share this with all of you because I know that somewhere out there is someone just like me who is either in a similar situation now or who will be in the future. I want better for them. I want them to get over it. To forget about this no risk exposure and to move on. Its not worth your time worrying about it. But if you must, go get tested like I did, collect your negative results, and move on.
Thank you to everyone on this board who posted over the last year and a half. Even though I wasnt a frequent poster, i was a frequent reader....and I can imagine theres a lot more like me out there. Your work does not go unappreciated. But now I have to say goodbye - to close this chapter of my life and focus on the future.
Good luck my friends. I wish you all the best.
And for those of you reading this who need one last confirmation of it, here goes:
Oral sex = no risk for HIV.
Goodbye, all.
definitately encouraging. I had beat myself up for the past two months over one incident of unprotected oral sex. I even went to the ER in a panic and convinced the doctor that I needed to be tested. (He didn't want to, as he believed it was unnecessary and there were probably people in there that were really in need of emergency care). The bottom line is that anxiety and paranoia can take hold of a person ESPECIALLY when they feel guilty about their behavior. I felt like I had betrayed my wife and that it completely destroyed our relationship and the life and family that we've built over the last 16 years. I had to be positive because it was punishment for my infidelity. So, if you are on this site looking for info about the risk of oral sex, you can rest easy. The chances of transmission via oral sex are virtually zero, and you are not the 1 in 10,000 or 20,000 that you think you are.
wow that was definitly encouraging. i feel myself going through the same type of anxiety although the experts keep telling me no risk. but for some reason i keep thinking what if she had a cut in her mouth what if my penis had a cut what if she had a cut on the palm of her hand.im officialy at week 9 and im feeling all kinds of aches pains, thinkin i have thrush, sore throat, slight fever during flu season, pretending i even know where my lymph nodes are. endless reading of other posters experiences from my cell phone. after today im going to do what i should have done after my blood test after 4 weeks and visit to 3 emrgency rooms, my trip to plan parenthood and my family doc. try to forget about it and just for peace of mind take a test after 3 months. thats conclusive no matter how small the risk from the knowlege ive gained the last few weeks. hopefully i can write an encouraging story like this one. all in all this site is great i just want to say congratulations my gay friend we are all human and you have brought a more than likely needless worrier some peace tonight. thanks
I hope you can put your fears behind you finally...after coming to the realization that you did not put yourself at risk. Oral sex will not cause HIV transmission...and I hope that other worried wells reading this will gain some insight about that.
As for your inner turmoil...I think it is time to deal with it. You are who you are. You are still YOU despite who you decide to love and spend your life with. I know that "coming out" is got to be very scary.....and whether or not you need to do that to come to peace with yourself is not the point.....hopefully you will seek some professional counseling so you can deal with your issues...and quit punishing yourself for who you are.
Lastly.....and most importantly.....and while your post did not come out and say it....I will...HIV/AIDS is NOT a punishment for being homosexual or bi-sexual. That is prehistoric thinking. While the virus is more common among males having sex with other males...it is just the nature of the disease, and how it is transmitted. It is a virus....an illness....not some sort of Karma for being who you are.
That is what drives so much of the HIV anxiety, I'm convinced of it, and it is totally unnecessary. Regardless of WHO you may be lying down with at night...protect yourself by using condoms....simply because it makes sense....not because you are gay.
As for your inner turmoil...I think it is time to deal with it. You are who you are. You are still YOU despite who you decide to love and spend your life with. I know that "coming out" is got to be very scary.....and whether or not you need to do that to come to peace with yourself is not the point.....hopefully you will seek some professional counseling so you can deal with your issues...and quit punishing yourself for who you are.
Lastly.....and most importantly.....and while your post did not come out and say it....I will...HIV/AIDS is NOT a punishment for being homosexual or bi-sexual. That is prehistoric thinking. While the virus is more common among males having sex with other males...it is just the nature of the disease, and how it is transmitted. It is a virus....an illness....not some sort of Karma for being who you are.
That is what drives so much of the HIV anxiety, I'm convinced of it, and it is totally unnecessary. Regardless of WHO you may be lying down with at night...protect yourself by using condoms....simply because it makes sense....not because you are gay.
so many post with good endings. my 3months is coming up been doing much better with going on with my life but i need to get this over with ill defenitly be going to the clinic next week everyone wish me luck
I'm still stressing even though I got an 84 day negative.Everyone says that it's good enough,but I'm still thinking that I should of waited 6 more days.
i blame the CDC for all of our #$@#$ anxeity. they couldve been more proportionate with the HIV risks through oral sex. im 16 btw
dude this almost put me in tears because im in the exact same situation. Anxiety of having HIV through oral sex is taking over my life. No matter who tells me that its a low risk, i still feel like i have it, Just the thought of having to tell my family whom i love so much, that i have HIV is almost as bad as the fear of even going to get tested. Much respect for you my man, live your life.
Thank you so much, this is very encouraging, for the past year ive been worrying so much, i keep touching my neck to find a swollen lymph node, i look at my mouth everyday to see if i find abnormal sores and i keep worrying everyday and preventing me and my partner from having any type of sexual thing because i dont want him to be at risk...
i will get tested again in 3 months to finnish this nightmare but im very happy to hear about your story and im very encouraged to relax and not worry
thank you
i will get tested again in 3 months to finnish this nightmare but im very happy to hear about your story and im very encouraged to relax and not worry
thank you
here's to fighting for a cure.
I'm bumping this for those who find themselves in a similar situation as what I was in, on this, National AIDS day. Here's to a cure!
I'm bumping this for those who find themselves in a similar situation as what I was in, on this, National AIDS day. Here's to a cure!
Great job,and don't hate yourself for being who you are. Your are a human with feeling and emotions. Don't hate yourself,Love you for who you are. Great job.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I do have a lot of thinking to do. And the whole point of my post was exactly as you pointed out: I hope it helps other worry wells out there. I know that they are out there right now, clinging to any hope.
I hope my post didnt come across as if I thought that HIV was a punishment for being gay. Thats not what I meant.
Again, thank you.
I hope my post didnt come across as if I thought that HIV was a punishment for being gay. Thats not what I meant.
Again, thank you.
Congrats on finding your way out of your emotional turmoil. I was in a similar position as I was needlessly worried about a no-risk oral exposure. Despite all the good advice I got on this site and others, I continued to worry and spend valuable time obsessing over the situation. Yes, oral sex= no risk.
Oral sex = no risk
I hope you realize that this may have been the case for you, but there are some folks in medicine that would disagree. (and some that would agree)
For me, I am happy for you, and for what it is worth, you have my sympathy about living a closet life. That has got to be difficult.
My free advice and worth that amount too, is ponder about making some adjustments in your life that will allow you to live a fuller life. ie live it, loud and proud
I hope you realize that this may have been the case for you, but there are some folks in medicine that would disagree. (and some that would agree)
For me, I am happy for you, and for what it is worth, you have my sympathy about living a closet life. That has got to be difficult.
My free advice and worth that amount too, is ponder about making some adjustments in your life that will allow you to live a fuller life. ie live it, loud and proud
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