post bypass anxiety and personality changes

[frightened wife]

My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!

[beenOnBothSides]

Maybe instead of making the it all about and your feelings you should step outside yourself and take care of his first. He needs, probably for the first time sinse you have known him he needs a kind of help that it sounds like you cant give because you cant put aside yourself. Its hard to be selfless and put some one completely before you and to do whats right by them and not what you think is right for them. Instead of being selfish by getting upset, mad, or affraid at hohw he is acting humble yourself and realize this man just went through the most tramatizing thing to body and mind a doctor can legally do and he needs your support and help and most of all selfless understanding. He is changed, affraid, insecure and confused and you can either help him and pull him back to who he was or hurt him and make him worse than he is. Which ever you choose for him its forever. You can walk away and leave him but what you do now will affect him until the day he dies. Sorry to get so real on you but Ive been on both sides and right now you have all the power wether it feels like that or not. Good luck, I hope you make the right choice

[Poohbear47]

Thank you ed34..  I very much appreciate the time you took to reply and I must admit your message brought tears to my eyes..  I will go visit her early this week and try to speak with her.  You are lucky that your wife was as understanding as she was and she is lucky too, to have such an obviously warm and caring husband.  Take care of yourself. :)

[ed34]

I think the best thing would be to go humble, go visit her and see if she has changed towards you. If you see no difference and you can't reason with her, then I would perhaps discuss it with her GP, but if she finds out you've seen her GP behind her back, it may cause her to become more hostile. It's only 3-4 months since her surgery, which was very traumatic, let alone the cardiac problems post surgery. It affects people both emotionally and physically. It took me 12 months to get over the problems and heal fully. You really can't explain how it feels in your head, it's like you stare at the possibility of death every minute of every day. You suddenly realise just how fragile the body can really be. Fear is a strong emotion. I found a huge help was cardiac rehab, where lots of small positive comments were fed back to the patients. Instead of thinking death all the time, we would suddenly start seeing things in true perspective, it doesn't mean that you will die in the next 24hours. Many won't admit that fear, but it's definitely in there. You don't believe anyone understands because they haven't experienced it, and feel alone, even though they are showing they care. It can really screw your mind up. I remember when they took me to theatre for my surgery, I was so terrified that I came very close to just running away several times. The thought of having your chest opened is the stuff of nightmares. So I would urge you to put up with her abuse, it happens but will improve over time. When I was abusive to my Wife, she cuddled me and I felt guilty and even cried sometimes. It was a good vent for my emotions and showed how much she cared. You don't know how to deal with all those strong emotions and anger/frustration seems to top the bill in many cases. This leads to abuse and everything which goes with it. I'm sure inside she doesn't want to lose such a loving/caring daughter on top of all her other problems. I can say from experience that the bad things I said were not meant, they seem convincing to the third party, but it's a release and you always take it out on the ones you love the most.

[Poohbear47]

My 89 yr old mother had valve replacement and double bypass surgery in May of this year.  2 hours after surgery, she had cardiac shock and almost died.  We were told by the doctors that night that she probably wouldn't make it.  Miraculously, she did.  It has been a long hard road to recovery and up until last week, I have been her primary carer.  As her youngest daughter, I have loved taking care of her and took so much personal joy in seeing her improvement every week.  I showered her with my attention, care and love.  However, she has now turned on me.  she has been giving my father a lot of grief since before she left hospital and it has become more difficult to see the hurtful things she has said to him over the past few months.  Last week, she said some very hurtful things to me, when I visited.  I left, very upset, telling her beforehand that she was a wicked, ungrateful woman.  I don't regret saying it as I really feel it is true.  She has always been very fiery and aggressive, but has become worse since surgery.  I am very upset about the whole thing.  I haven't spoken with her in over a week.  I speak with my dad every day and the only good thing here is that she hasnt been verbally abusing him since our incident.  I miss her dreadfully and I am so worried about her, but I felt unwanted and Completely rejected by her.  What should I do?  Should I talk to her GP?

[ed34]

I agree totally that in many patients something goes on. After my bypass surgery, I was very weepy for a couple of weeks and then it passed. There is so much that is yet not understood about the body and mind. Scientists and Doctors always form two camps until things are understood. I know it's off topic, but I've been studying near death experiences for a couple of years now and it's amazing stuff to look into. Scientists believed that the bright lights, flashbacks of our lives etc were just chemical reactions, because it can be reproduced in many cases by denying the brain it's normal oxygen level. However, in many near death experiences,the brain is flat line, so it cannot produce anything. Even more amazing is how people blind from birth report seeing for the first time. Unable to name colours, they just refer to them as different intensities. The mind seems very much to be a separate entity to the brain, or should I say our consciousness. Perhaps major surgery upsets this balance somehow. Much to learn and I wonder if we will ever know all the answers.

[ed34]

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=disease-may-cause-pumphead