My fears

[Peridot]

I found out in September that I have HepC. It was given to me by my ex husband who was an avid IV drug user. (Left him little too late) I have already had an ultrasound and I do know that I have the antibodies in my bloodstream and I currently waiting to hear from my doctor to see what group I am in. From there we will decide about the liver biopsy. I am so scared right now. My current husband has been wonderful and supportive. But I dont feel like the same person now. I look in the mirror and I am different. I feel dirty all the time and I cant seem to shower enough. I cry alot and I just feel violated. I dont want to have sex anymore. And I am so angry all the time. My husband tells me that I am still the same woman he married and that I still look beautiful to him. Why cant I stop feeling this way? Plus, I am also scared of these treatments. How will it effect my life? I have a new husband and a new family and none of this seems fair to me....
I thought coming to these forums and talking to people just like me would help and hopefully make some new friends that will be there to support me.
Help me feel better about myself. I dont know how to do that right now.

[Peridot]

Hey Zoe! I have my good days and bad days. The past couple of days has been kinda rough for me. Friday I cried off and on all day. I cheered up some later in the day, but woke up this morning the same way. But my husband and I had a very long talk and got a lot of feelings expressed. I am still considering asking my doctor about the anti-depressants. I do want to wait until after the holidays to start treatment. I dont want to feel like **** with the kids over Christmas. I was going to send you a private message but i guess you havent filled out your personal info. Thanks for your concern. I hope we can keep in touch.
peridot

[moahunter]

Another member of the 1A club, I regret to welcome you. You are about the same age as me too (I am 35). I wish you all the best, I promise you that acceptance will come. It may take a while, but it comes. Most people will get one illness or another in our lives. How we deal with it, says a lot about who we are. I honestly believe you will come out of this stronger, not weaker. That's the way I feel right now (30 odd weaks into treatment). This disease has changed the way I think and feel about life, and IMO, changed it for the better.

[Zoegirl2007]

I was just checking to see if you were feeling any better?
                        Zoe

[Zoegirl2007]

This is my first time to post here but your post inspired me. A year ago we found out that my husband has Hep-c genotype 1. It was about a week before Thanksgiving so needless to say it made the holidays pretty tough. When my husband was born in 1983 he had transfusions, by pass machines etc which in turn gave him Hep C. So for over 24 years he has had this. After finding out through  blood work he then did a liver biopsy. ( which was not bad at all, my husband is a wuss when it comes to needles so this was hard for him but he was really suprised that it was not that bad at all) he was doing stuff later that day.) We found out from the biopsy that he has NOO damage.  Which is really great to hear considering he has had it for so long. We are now in the process of deciding when to start treatment. I think we are going to wait until after the holidays. So around the first of the year.    I can tell you the first day we found out I cried all night it was devastating. Although I can tell you I never  once thought of my husband any differently, I am not scared to kiss him, drink after him, or make love to him. My main concern is was for him to know I support him 100% which from the way it sounds your husband wants the same for you. I would suggest maybe asking your doctor about an anti-depressant to get you through these first few months as they will be hard. Just know that it will get better as every day passes. Keep your head up.                                  
                                                                  ZoeGirl

[Peridot]

I found out today that I have genotype 1a. I was feeling good this morning and now that has just gone away. Its like everytime I get any kind of news, it effects me in an emotional. I know this will take time to soak in, I am just tired of crying, tired of worrying...just tired of feeling it all. I go to the doctor again next week. What is the next step...a liver biopsy?

[Susie2007]

I do remember those feelings of fear like they happened yesterday. But I was diagnosed 15 years ago. Know that these feelings will go away eventually. Most of the things we fear never come to pass. And, it is almost impossible for a hep C + female to transmit the disease to a spouse or longstanding partner, through normal sexual activity. There are no known cases of female to male sexual transmission that we are aware of. Don't forget, unlike HIV or hep B, hep C needs blood to be exchanged. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) does not recommend a change in sexual practices for long term monogamous couples. They do NOT even recommend the use of condoms unless a person is in a new relationship or has had multiple sexual partners. I've been married since 1965 * was a child bride :-)* and my husband tests negative as do my daughters. You'll be ok. I promise.

[Peridot]

I am 36. My husband has too handle me everyday with all these mood swings I have been having. I have never considered myself a strong person. Now is the time to prove to myself that I am. Sometimes I fee like this is all a big test for me to see if I win or lose.

[Peridot]

The only person that knows about this is my husband. Other people dont tend to understand that they cannot get this only by blood on blood. There are too many stigmas and too many questions that I dont want to answer. A part of me still feels ashamed even though it wasnt my fault at all. Know what I mean? Certain members of my family know something is wrong with me, but they just dont know what it is. I have told them that something was wrong with my liver but that is all I have said. I have a feeling that when I do start this treatment I will have alot the side effects that I have read about in here. What do I tell them then? Like I said... I still have so many questions and fears.

[callmedorothy]

When I read you comments it was exactly how I felt when I was first diagnosed.  the best thing you can do, if your dr. recommends it, is to get on treatment.  my dr. put me on effexor and that helped too.  At one point I could not even walk in the dr's office to check in without crying.  we are keeping this close to the vest as well...only my husband, daughter and nurse friend (who has it as well) know.  just too many stigmas...one day  i hope to be strong enough to openly campaign for awareness....but now...just one step at a time.  treatment 6 this weekend.  hang in there...it does not matter how you got it or who is to blame. i got it from my ex as well.

[Lady Lauri]

Man, shot night and took my sleeping pill so too scattered to reply right/much at this time and getting drowsy! BUT, for now......your post is sad and very sorry it is hitting you this way. I have never felt guilt in this, so just don't understand that. Have much more to say, but you MUST remember WHO YOU ARE! ....FAST. You WILL change, things will change, WHO you are is how you will handle it and even this awful hand dealt has brought good things to my life. Even you already......you are seeing you have a loving, supportive husband to start with.
  This disease is not 'fair' to anyone who's got it no matter how they got it. For now I can add.....READ here MUCH. As someone said you are in the 'shock' state. Learn, read, you'll get more control over all of this.

P.S. How old are you? Only as some of this could be added by hormones, pre-menopause, etc.
Us woman have that also to handle and the men....well, they have to also handle us women with hormones :}
Have to fall off to dream land here, sure I'll add more tomorrow. FEEL BETTER dear.
                                                                                           LL

[sfwandwow]

boy i have had all those feelings at first about 6 weeks back, iam doing great now..beleive me people on here got tired of my anxiety and worry wart..lol.. But the more i get educated the better i feel..Trust me wants u get on tx it just like giving insulin shots to a diabetic, u live with it and keep going and being positive is the best mode.. And always trust in JESUS.. hugs  

[shaddamom]

this place here has been a god-send for me.  My husband doesn't want to tell people what I am really being treated for --- that negative stigma.  someone here suggested that I just explain it as chemotherapy.  and if someone wants more info as to why chemo, tell them that Dr's advised against getting upset and talking about it is upsetting.  Let them think what they will.

SMILE ,,,,,, you can beat this.

[Peridot]

I cry at every doctor's appt. I have. But they have been a great support team as well. I feel lucky to have them on my side. I needed to come to this site. Besides my husband there was no one I could really talk to. I decided to talk to someone who was going through or had gone through this before. I feel better already just getting this off my chest.

[shaddamom]

when I first found out I cried---- I even cried when they took my blood pressure at my first specialist office visit... I felt hopeless, thought that hep C was a death sentence, kinda like HIV---- but we are lucky --- we can be cured.  The doctor was great at giving me hope, picking me up off the pity pot. I have this monster in my blood and liver, & with the help and support of these folks here ( and the dr, and the meds) I am gonna beat this.  

[JodyLynn]

Hi Meki how you been??? Peridot it will all be ok, we have all been there but do come here to talk about it....lots of nice people to help. Good luck to you. : )

[Peridot]

I dont know if its guilt I feel or if its just anger. I get so mad sometimes. Then I just get plain scared. I have so many what if's???? I feel like sometimes I want to take revenge. But then I think about my family and this great new life I have. I realize that I am just going through the phases right now. And one day acceptance will kick in and I will be the person I know I am. My husband has been my strength the past few weeks. God sent me an angel. Meki.... he has told me the same things you have said...well, what all of you have said. I know all of you are right. Each of you have been where I am at. How long does it take to get over the anger and sadness and this feeling of hopelessness?
I learn more everyday about this disease. But there are still so many questions rolling around in my head. I cant seem to think straight.  So, I will probably be asking some questions along.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I hope I can return the favor one day. I know I can.

[shaddamom]

you are so inspirational... thanks,,,, I needed that kick start too.  

[shaddamom]

not to sound too cliche---  It don't matter how the ox got in the ditch, we gotta get him out.

[meki]

Harrumph...

Meki puttin' on her Grump mode.

Get over yourself.

LOOK IN THAT MIRROR AND SEE THE BEAUTIFUL PERSON YOU ARE!!!

Stop thinking about HOW you got something - or where it came from...

You are no different now than you were 10 years ago.

You are the same person.

This is a disease - like any other disease... cancer - the flu - pneumonia - arthritis...

You are not dirty for having a disease... Stop thinking that way. Don't let that thought cross your mind.

You didn't ask for this disease --- it just happens to be the one that decided you were a great host.

So - CHILL.

You can have a normal life - you do have a normal life. Each person has to deal with this in their own way --- you'll have a few stages... anger/grief/depression/sadness --- and when you finally hit acceptance - you'll be just fine.

Now - keep walking - determine what you need to do for your life... The only thing different that you need to do now ---- is be healthier.

Decide if you want to treat --- decide if you want to not treat.

There is NOTHING different about you.

Do you understand that?

Would you tell a cancer patient that they are dirty?

Would you tell a person who has a mental health disease that they are awful?

Well then... what are you doing to yourself and those of us who DO have HCV?

Hmmm?

Now stand up straight - dust yourself off and get a grip... You have a family to take care of --- you have a lot of decisions to make - you're going to have to decide what is important to you and how to go about taking care of the things that are important to you.

My husband is HCV free - we have had sex in every imaginable way --- my family was involved in a major motor vehicle accident where blood was all over the place... AND NONE OF THEM HAVE IT.

So chill --- the only precautions I would take is to only use protection if you choose to have rough sex or sex during menses.

This is a BLOOD BORNE DISEASE...

Your family isn't going to get it on just a whim... or a sneeze...

You need to relax.

Life is going to be ok.

get your tests - determine where you stand --- and attack this disease like you would any project that needed your attention.

Remember - your liver controls a lot of things, including your hormones and your body's chemistry ---- so be aware of mood swings, those ARE symptoms... Be aware of depression and other things as well - those can be symptoms....

Got it?

Good.

Now go take care of yourself --- get in a nice hot tub --- go have some wildly passionate sex with the hubby --- and hug your kids close!!!

Meki

[charm27]

You will be ok. No need for guilt here- You did nothing wrong-You are the same person. I think I can speak for most here Hep C is a part of our life- its NOT who we are. There are many people that have been cured.  Some on the 2, 3  or 4th round of treatment. Eventually one by onee..we will all be cured especially since new drugs are on the horizon. Please dont let this play games with your mind as far as guilt its a disease-try to cope-There will be alot of things that will happen to all of us in our  lifetime that we have no control over. The more stress we have the worse a problem will get.Your still the same person . One thing at a time...one foot in front of the other-you'll be alright after you have all your tests completed and there is a decision made if need be.
The Best of Luck To You.-Dont l ook back in the past-Try to look ahead.
Hang tough!

[nygirl7]

The chance of catching it via sex is almost impossible but it IS possible so you will have to practice some safeR sex practices now. That's all.

HepC is a very very common disease.  There is no reason you should feel shame. There is a stigma attached but after you get over the initial shock you will realize...so many people have this disease (and most don't know they do) that come from ALL walks of life and are happy and healthy and successful people - that you will believe that you too can have a great life as well.

You're just in shock about it all.

The liver biopsy is really the best way to find out exactly where you stand.  It is NOT painless (and none of us believed that until we got one ourselves) and it will let you know how much liver damage you have already gotten from the disease.  Then you can treat and get cured of this and move on with life if you choose. That is a great thing believe it or not - finding out you have it!  This disease IS called the Silent Killer and some people don't find out until it's too late.

Look at the great chance God has given you!  Try to be positive and realize - there are MILLIONS of us in the world...it's NOT that uncommon and we are here to help you in any way we can.

Find a good Hep Doctor or GI - they will help advise you.  See if he will get you started on a good anti depressent. Many of us in here take them (because we should while on treatment) but it might be good for you to get started now.  

Good luck!

[gauf]

I know just how you feel. Now look, it is truly not your fault you got this. The chances of you giving it to your husband are slim and none. AND, there is a treatment that can and does get rid of it. The treatment can be rough but most of here have been through it and doing fine. We will help you through this. Try to relax and post all the info you can as you get it. Others will weigh in soon.