Helping a partner understand

[GemAsian]

I have recently been diagnosed with both HSV1 and 2.  My boyfriend of less than 6 months does not have it and I didn't get it from him because he was tested before we started dating and had a 2nd one after I found out. He's very scared of this because he doesn't know much about it.  I don't know either because we both never worried about learning about it because we both never imagined we could get it.  Call it ignorance in this day and age of advanced technology and awareness of STD's.  But, we are both freaked out.  I have never had symptoms.  The reason I had to get checked is because I got my very first cold sore ever in my life.  We both immediately related it to herpes because of the stigma and jokes around it.  I was scared.  I had never had any kind of cold sore.  Ever.  I read a few books and am trying to wrap my head around this.  I am trying to calm his fears at the same time educating myself on this disease.  I have read some very interesting and good information that has helped me to stop thinking its the end of my world.  But now I have to help him get through this.  He says this is a deal breaker, but he's coming around to being open minded and learning about this and how it is a manageable disease.  He's all about education and learning by facts.  I plan on providing the reading material I have come across, but what other things can I provide to help him ease his mind more?  We have separated for a week and we both can't seem to go on without each other and am trying to figure this out to work for our relationship because we do love each other very much.  This STI just threw a wrench into our dynamic.  I just want him to understand there are ways to protect through suppressive meds, condoms, and abstaining during a breakout, but he's still scared of the asymptomatic shedding.  I want to find a solution at the same time making him very aware of this to make his decision based on facts.  All I can do is hope for the best between us.

[GemAsian]

Hello - Thank you for responding.  I guess I'm not understanding what I've read because I thought the chances were estimated by every time you engage in sex, but you're saying it's %/year if we follow what you say above?  If so that's promising, but ultimately it's his decision to stay or go.  And mine for that matter.  I'm not the only one that has to re-evaluate our relationship.  I understand he's trying to come to grips, but taking it slow and scaling back from what we were isn't going to change the fact that I have this.  I'll still be the same person in the end.  But, clarity on the chances gives me more hope that it's still a possibility with someone, even if it's not with my current one.  I'm keeping my spirits up and either way, I know who I am and what I bring to a relationship.  Thank you again for your response! This site is very helpful and am glad I found it.

[gracefromHHP]

He's male so his risk is on average just 4%/year if you do nothing but avoid sex any time you have anything going on genitally. If you take daily suppressive therapy and don't use condoms, it's cut in half to 2% /year. that means he's 98% likely each year NOT to contract hsv2 from you.

[GemAsian]

Hello - So I'm finally getting back on here.  I just realized that my profile says I'm male, but I'm actually female.  Just clearing that up.  Tried to change it but for some reason the save button isn't working.

The testing my doctor completed was HSV1 IgG,Type Spec 2.66 and HSV2 IgG, Type Spec 5.32.  I believe this is the most accurate testing.  

Since my first post my boyfriend and I are still trying to work on this issue.  I just don't think he'll be able to compromise on the sex issue.  He doesn't want to have sex with a condom and doesn't like the thought of never having oral sex with me whether it is from me or for me.  He says he is trying to come to a resolution because I'm everything he wants except this.  We've read up on this, he's read up on this and he feels that his 10% or so chance of getting this every time we have sex is too much for him to chance.

I understand his hesitancy, but I also know I'm more than this disease.  I know I have to be patient and allow him the time to absorb this to understand it enough to be able to weigh his decision of compromising and keeping what we have or just walking away.  But I'm just not hopeful about this situation.  I'm still trying to deal with this and being patient is not one of my best qualities.  I probably should see a therapist to talk about this, but I always like referrals from friends rather than finding a random one from the website.  I'm trying not to panic and not allow my anxiety to take over but it's hard.  I want to be able to accept this and move on but with this I'm a pessimist and I'm scared this will always hold me back from being with someone.  I'm just scared of living with this for the rest of my life. And my self esteem and confidence is already an issue.  

[gracefromHHP]

what testing did you have done? if it was blood testing, if you can post your exact results, I can better help you - e.g. hsv1 igg 5.6 and hsv2 igg 2.2 or whatever they are. that way we can be sure you were properly tested and see if you need additional confirmatory testing for your hsv2 status or not.

you've had herpes since you've been with him. remind him that if you haven't transmitted it by this point, he already knows how low in general the risk of transmission is to him.

grace