Herpes and shame

[PinkIQ]

I was infected with herpes ten years ago and have had no sexual contact with anyone since then.  I have had four outbreaks in ten years, treated with Valtrex as prescribed.  Last one was four years ago.  Several months ago, I met a wonderful man and told him about my herpes and that we needed to talk about how to be safe when the time felt right to consider having sex.  That time has come, and we are both frustrated by the fact that, even if I go on daily Valrtex and we use condoms every time, we cannot be sure that oral sex or intercourse won't result in him getting infected.  He is kind and caring, but reluctant to take the risk.  Part of me understands, and part of me says "what's the big deal?" since I have had only four outbreaks in ten years.  I'm 58 and he is 76, if that matters.  It wasn't my dault that my previous boyfriend cheated on me and infected me.  By abstaining from all sex for ten years and telling my new man the truth early on, I feel I've been responsible.  So I'm having a hard time accepting that I should be punished for the rest of my life by being denied intercourse and oral sex.  Does anyone have any comfort to offer me?

[allen_bkk]

YOU ARE SO RIGHT :)

[sandford]

kick him to the curb! sounds like he is too scared and that it will always be an issue for him, if he can't deal with it find someone who can love you and want to have sex with you, there's plenty of couples out there where only one partner has it.

[yorkiegirl]

Thanks heavens I'm not the only "older" person out there with genital herpes. My situation was the same as yours, a cheating, lying relationship gave it to me from just a skin to skin contact almost 1 year ago.  I 've had no one in my life since then, nor do I want to, especially at my age.  My question to you is what do you take that gives you only 4 outbreaks in 10 years?  Are you on suppressive therapy?  Do you just treat episodically?  I'm on my 5th outbreak in 11 months and the anti viral drugs make me feel worse.  I didn't take anything for this last ob and I'm still struggling with it.  I feel awful as I write this.  It's been almost 2 weeks of flu-like symptoms. The genital discomfort is not so bothersome, but the body aches and headaches, chills are. Can you tell me what you take?  Thanks.

[abject]

PinkIQ-

I am in a somewhat similar boat, having run into significant resistance from a potential partner.  I am curious what happened with your situation.

You are worthy of love and sex and have been extremely responsible, though abstaining from sex for ten years sounds a bit like self-punishment, if you don't mind my saying.  

Anyway, I would like to offer you comfort, but maybe it all worked out?  I hope so.

[petal130]

BTW - as to your last comment, "So I'm having a hard time accepting that I should be punished for the rest of my life by being denied intercourse and oral sex."

I'm in my late 40's and my sex life is better than ever. Herpes is not "punishment" - biologically it's a virus that can be transmitted by skin to skin contact and we have to manage a bit if we get it. It's not based on any of us being bad or cheap or easy - that's just perhaps part of the herpes stigma that's a load of crap.

Work too on overcoming this shame/guilt - SO not worth it! Herpes doesn't define me at ALL - don't let it do that to you. You are who you are, herpes or not!!

[petal130]

Good lord, by age 76 who cares about herpes if you're a great catch!

Were you diagnosed with HSV1 or HSV2?

Has he been tested to know his own herpes status? It's a two way street and you can't make educated decisions until you know who has what.

Lastly, with Valtrex and condoms it's a 99% chance annually that you won't transmit the virus to him! Those are incredibly good odds, and surely not worth walking away from a relationship - although to each his own if he can't deal with it. Discordant couples can go a lifetime without transmitting it!

I'd highly suggest you both take a look at the Westover Heights herpes handbook (google it), or even better get Terri Warren's book "The Good News about the Bad News" for both those with herpes and their partners.

Herpes (of which I have) if but a mere skin condition, and not at all worth ruining a potential loving relationship :-)