I do not have outbreaks so when I go into my standard STI 6 month checks at PP, they won't test for herpes as you said. My partner found an outbreak on his penis, and as I am asymptomatic/never had an outbreak, I did a blood test from a company I found online and they confirmed I have it.
You can easily get an hsv2 test without an outbreak.
Also, your partner may have gotten a genital hsv1 outbreak, if you gave her oral sex, and you have oral hsv1.
You can get a test at a number of online sites.
https://www.stdcheck.com/herpes-1-test.php - can test for just hsv1 or hsv2, or both
https://www.letsgetchecked.com/home-herpes-test/ - must test for hsv1 and hsv2
https://www.healthlabs.com/herpes-tests - can nest for just hsv1 or hsv2, or both
https://www.ultalabtests.com/partners/ultdirect/testing/categories/std/herpes - can nest for just hsv1 or hsv2, or both - do not get the IgM test
All the sites run specials at different times. Google for coupon codes, too.
The hsv1 IgG misses 30% of infections, but it's the best we have, so at least try it.