Tough explanation

[zumasurfer]

Approximately 2 months ago, my wife (13 yr married, 18 together) tested positive for HSV2.  She initially thought it was a yeast infection, but when the symptoms persisted, she got the blood test and was diagnosed with HSV2 and a Gardnerella infection.  This is the first outbreak she has ever had and I have never had a symptom.  Her initial outbreak came approximately 2 weeks after a trip out of town where I suspected she may have had relations with another man.  I have reasons to believe this to be the case - it's also worth mentioning that we've had significant marital problems and her outbreak came at a time where she told me she wanted out of the marriage.  I have confronted her and she denies any infidelity.  Her doctor has told her (and I have read) that HSV2 can sit dormant for years.  It's been 10 months since we have had sex and I just received my results from a blood test and am HSV2 negative (although HSV1 positive).

The nagging thing here is that I find it very hard to believe that the virus could sit dorman for that long and that with nearly 20 years of unprotected sex with her, that I never have been exposed by my wife.  Seems from my research that the initial outbreak usually follows a recent sexual exposure.  I want to believe her, but this medical unlikelihood, our marital problems and the initial outbreak after that trip (plus the gardnerella) all leave me fairly unsatisfied with her explanation.  Frankly, I'd have a hard time believing that it could sit dormant that long and that I never was exposed even if we weren't having marital problems.  Things are going better with our counseling, etc., but this remains a big issue for me.  Her explanation is that she must have been infected before we got together (18+ years ago) and never had an outbreak until now...  Needless to say, if we stay together, this will have lasting implications for intimacy and sex.  Any feedback would be appreciated.

[nightrider77]

think you need to revisit your facts. have you stepped out on her and brought something home?-- you mention travel l.a., nyc, europe

[gracefromHHP]

dahlin' if you really want to butter me up - I prefer krispy kreme donuts and my wine preference is reisling :D

I think it's terrific that there are places where folks can ask any question they want about herpes. Back when waring and I were diagnosed with genital herpes - Al Gore was still tweaking his new invention called the internet and we really didn't have options.  Now even though folks are complete strangers - at least you have a place to go "talk" and get support :)

grace  

[movingon25]

grace and waring,

just would like you to  know that by simply responding to the messages, you somehow help address isolation issues of the readers and those who post messages.

thanks

[Atisa]

I loved this respone you gave about lasting implications for intimacy. One of my goals in life is to try to get people out from under fear, and to stop freaking out so easily. Another theme I'm trying to get across is that people don't just stop being human just because they get married. Being married is about sharing your life with a partner who really knows you, cares about you, not ownership. I just know I'm going to get blasted, but I'm kind of getting used to it.

[waringblender]

What are the "lasting implications" for intimacy and sex? Sounds like you have huge trust issues. If you can't get it worked out in therapy, it might be time to bail.

There have been numerous threads on this site alone attesting to people having positive diagnoses without ever having had symptoms and having been in long relationships. It happens. Without using any protection, herpes has a fairly low acquisition rate in long-term couples. As grace said, unless you both had baseline testing beforehand, there's no way to know how long she's had it.

Ten months without any sex is pretty bad. Hell, I'd either be all over that in counseling, or I'd bail on the guy.

Here's one way to approach this: Let's say wifey did have this for 18+ years and you never got it from her. It's obvious that it had no impact on your relationship at all. Now let's say she bagged someone else in the week she was gone and came back without any symptoms. My guess is you'd still be wigging out thinking she played around on you, even though she denies it. And the problems in your marriage are going to be there whether she had herpes or not, it sounds like.

So it seems like, in some sense, you are stuck in the same emotional cul-de-sac you'd be in if herpes wasn't in this picture - you and wifey appear to have big-time problems with your marriage, big enough to hire the guns to come in and help you.

So work on whatever problems existed at the time she said she wanted out (sounds like she's got her own issues around the marriage as well), and work on the trust issue thing, since that seems to be where your big problem is. If you can't work it out, you get divorced. It happens all the time. Hell, that's what divorce is for. If your relationship isn't working, you get out of it.

The herpes? Well, herpes is common. It's easier to find herpes than it is to find a decent loving intimate relationship with another person. If this is the woman for you and you guys want to piece this thing back together, it seems like the herpes is the least of your problems.

If you guys get divorced, what do you think the chances are of meeting a woman when you are out dating who has herpes? It's 25%. It might be a little higher, depending on how old you are. 1 out of 4 women you date will probably have it. That's not "rare." It's not "uncommon." This stuff is out there, and like I said, it's easier to find herpes than it is a lasting and intimate relationship with a partner.

[gracefromHHP]

This is a very tough call to be honest.  Probably neither you nor your wife have ever been tested for herpes prior to this.  Since 2 months has passed - if your wife didn't have a baseline herpes igg blood test at the same time as her symptoms it's too late now for that to help clear this up too ( that is if you could've even talked her into getting the blood test and talked her doctor into ordering it ).  If she had had a + lesion culture and a negative hsv2 igg then chances are really good it was a newly acquired infection. At this point she'd probably test + even if it was a newly acquired infection from her trip.  The U of washington does offer a herpes avidity test that can tell you if the infection was acquired within the last 4 months or not ( so obviously she'd need it done asap ) if you really think you need the answer to this question or not.  You' d have to pay for it out of pocket though - insurance is not going to cover it because it's still considered experimental.  

Are you considering marital counseling together to try to work thru your issues together? Personally I think at this point any money you spend would be better put to counseling for your marriage than any other testing.  

grace