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Joke of the Day
Hi~I thought it might be a fun idea for us to post a cute joke each day. It does not have to be long, just something we think is cute, it can be from an e-mail, from another site, or one you have made up. "Laughter is the best medicine" and since this is a medical forum, maybe this would be just the "prescription" for some of us to get our day going better. Anyway, those who wish are welcome to post. I will start by posting now. Come on in and join the fun.
Susie
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
Susie
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide
to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his
shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has
been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.' The guy,
surprised, says 'Yes ... how did you figure that out?'
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the
girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how
did you figure that out?'
'Didn't feel a thing.'
to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his
shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has
been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.' The guy,
surprised, says 'Yes ... how did you figure that out?'
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the
girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how
did you figure that out?'
'Didn't feel a thing.'
THEY ARE ALL SOOO FUNNY THANKYOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH
WAITING ROOM
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
THE FUNNY NUN
A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".
The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.
The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.
She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."
Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.
Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.
Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".
The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.
The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.
She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."
Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.
Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.
Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MICROSOFT LANDING
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
How To Give A Cat A Pill ( I sure wish I could the pictures with this, they are cute.)
This is so true too. ahahahahahaha
If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know
how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding
front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head
just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot.
throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage.
Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed}
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly
while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order
a new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make housecall
This is so true too. ahahahahahaha
If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know
how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding
front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head
just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot.
throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage.
Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed}
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly
while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order
a new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make housecall
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A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
