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Suffering a lack of confidence about erection
Hello everyone hoping you are all keeping well in the current situation.
Just after a bit of advice (probably from men but wont rule women out) and hopefully posted in the right section
For the last couple of months I have been stressed or worrying about my erections. Its hard to tell if its actual erection anxiety or an issue getting turned on. I will try and remember when I last had an erection and if I cant I panic try and force one, when I have one I stress if its actually hard enough or how long it is going to last. If I dont wake up hard I panic straight away although it usually pops up not long after. I know the worrying and stress isnt helping just cant seem to stop the cycle. This isnt the first time I have had these issues, over the years these thoughts/feelings have come and gone sporadically but this phase seems to be lasting longer.
I have spoke to my partner and she assures me everything is ok when we have sex feels as always does etc and in my mind I tell myself everything is ok yet I dont convince myself. We are still having sex or sexual contact on a regular basis. A couple of nights ago we were playing an adult boardgame and I was solid the whole time we were playing and enjoyed my victory which makes me think its a mental block over any physical/chemical issue.
About two years ago I went to see my GP about it and he prescribed viagra to see if it helped, I have never had to take one and never had any issues performing. I went back to see him just before the lockdown to discuss he again recommended trying viagra however I am reluctant as I dont want to begin relying on them and I know if I take one I will think I always need them. I asked him for a blood test, full blood count, thyroid check and testosterone levels all came back fine.
I had contacted someone about councelling for performance anxiety/general anxiety to help with a few issues in my life that possibly may be affecting me but obviously there is a wait for these services being made even longer by the pandemic.
Hopefully some of you may be able to offer similar experiences or advice all greatfully received and sorry for the long post
Just after a bit of advice (probably from men but wont rule women out) and hopefully posted in the right section
For the last couple of months I have been stressed or worrying about my erections. Its hard to tell if its actual erection anxiety or an issue getting turned on. I will try and remember when I last had an erection and if I cant I panic try and force one, when I have one I stress if its actually hard enough or how long it is going to last. If I dont wake up hard I panic straight away although it usually pops up not long after. I know the worrying and stress isnt helping just cant seem to stop the cycle. This isnt the first time I have had these issues, over the years these thoughts/feelings have come and gone sporadically but this phase seems to be lasting longer.
I have spoke to my partner and she assures me everything is ok when we have sex feels as always does etc and in my mind I tell myself everything is ok yet I dont convince myself. We are still having sex or sexual contact on a regular basis. A couple of nights ago we were playing an adult boardgame and I was solid the whole time we were playing and enjoyed my victory which makes me think its a mental block over any physical/chemical issue.
About two years ago I went to see my GP about it and he prescribed viagra to see if it helped, I have never had to take one and never had any issues performing. I went back to see him just before the lockdown to discuss he again recommended trying viagra however I am reluctant as I dont want to begin relying on them and I know if I take one I will think I always need them. I asked him for a blood test, full blood count, thyroid check and testosterone levels all came back fine.
I had contacted someone about councelling for performance anxiety/general anxiety to help with a few issues in my life that possibly may be affecting me but obviously there is a wait for these services being made even longer by the pandemic.
Hopefully some of you may be able to offer similar experiences or advice all greatfully received and sorry for the long post
Hi I have no issue discussing this think the site is anonymous enough. I feel like I had this issue on and off for a number of years normally my brain/body just pushes past it and I get back to normal however this time it just hasnt happened.
I think I have a few issues that do need addressing, I was cheated on by two women twice in 6 months about 10 years ago and never really addressed what happened. Never really been that confident a person in myself just learnt how to fake it and I think have always carried on doing that. I know this has had a knock on effect in this relationship I have always been convinced she is going to do the same or find someone more attractive than me even though 10 years in she hasnt.
As you said we have a good sex life but again feel this may be the downfall this occassion. Towards the end of last year started to have fantasies of her with other people (crazy given what I said above right) and she agreed to try for me but had her reservations. Anyway we found someone her talk to and one day they get very sexual talking, i place no blame on her it was my wish and could have said no. I was shocked to discover how much the texts had turned her on. She says it was the thought of me coming home to her and roleplaying but it did knock me (be careful what you wish for) anyway she agreed that it wasnt for us and stopped it. A few weeks after this is when problems started for me so think this may be a link.
I am waiting for CBT therapynon the NHS currently around an 8 week wait so looking into something private for more immediate help
I think I have a few issues that do need addressing, I was cheated on by two women twice in 6 months about 10 years ago and never really addressed what happened. Never really been that confident a person in myself just learnt how to fake it and I think have always carried on doing that. I know this has had a knock on effect in this relationship I have always been convinced she is going to do the same or find someone more attractive than me even though 10 years in she hasnt.
As you said we have a good sex life but again feel this may be the downfall this occassion. Towards the end of last year started to have fantasies of her with other people (crazy given what I said above right) and she agreed to try for me but had her reservations. Anyway we found someone her talk to and one day they get very sexual talking, i place no blame on her it was my wish and could have said no. I was shocked to discover how much the texts had turned her on. She says it was the thought of me coming home to her and roleplaying but it did knock me (be careful what you wish for) anyway she agreed that it wasnt for us and stopped it. A few weeks after this is when problems started for me so think this may be a link.
I am waiting for CBT therapynon the NHS currently around an 8 week wait so looking into something private for more immediate help
1 Comments
Ohhh no, right now, the last thing you need is a 3rd person in this, or roleplaying. I'm glad you stopped that.
Listen, people cheat for a thousand different reasons, and most of the time, it has nothing to do with the person they are cheating on. It doesn't mean you are lacking. It means they are, or they are going through something, or whatever.
You have carried this for 10 years. I'm so glad you are getting therapy for it soon. You have suffered enough for something that wasn't your fault.
And she must really love you. :)
Listen, people cheat for a thousand different reasons, and most of the time, it has nothing to do with the person they are cheating on. It doesn't mean you are lacking. It means they are, or they are going through something, or whatever.
You have carried this for 10 years. I'm so glad you are getting therapy for it soon. You have suffered enough for something that wasn't your fault.
And she must really love you. :)
We're all different and I think I'd be happy in your shoes. Sounds like you have a good sex life. Sounds like you get erections regularly and can finish with your partner and they too are satisfied. This really could all be mental. Do you have anxiety about other things?
7 Comments
I’ve noticed my anxiety has been getting worse due to this current situation cant pinpoint the anxiety so maybe a general thing
Ya, I'd guess it may be. And right now with a global pandemic, small things unrelated are where our anxiety might surface because it is a general feeling. I'd kind of track that. Keep a journal or something about what kinds of things make you nervous, anxious or worry.
You could do it here in a journal. That might work. Then you can track your symptoms and it's not written anywhere.
Thanks for your help had no problems a few months ago wish could just go back to then
Ok woman here, for a bit of a different perspective.
Your partner is more than satisfied, which is important, but not everything, because how you feel about yourself is ultimately most important. I say that, but how reliable are your own self-views right now? Are you a good narrator of your own story?
Do you trust your partner to tell you if she's not satisfied? Do you have good communication? You yourself say that there haven't really been any issues, and you haven't needed the viagra, so that's good, right?
Sexual pleasure, from a female standpoint, isn't all about the erection. The erection is nice, but it's about foreplay, closeness, intimacy, touching, communication. Women all like different things, but do you know what your partner likes? If you've been together for awhile, you probably know if she likes oral, or likes to be fingered, or have her clitoris touched, or both, etc. That stuff makes you a good partner. You're playing adult games with her - that's fun, and is a cool way to be sexual. It means you're open to different things. We like that, generally speaking. Are you open about what you love about her, about her body? Your partner is reassuring you - are you giving that back?
The erection is a nice thing, but it's not nearly the only thing. You sound like you're doing just fine. :)
Your partner is more than satisfied, which is important, but not everything, because how you feel about yourself is ultimately most important. I say that, but how reliable are your own self-views right now? Are you a good narrator of your own story?
Do you trust your partner to tell you if she's not satisfied? Do you have good communication? You yourself say that there haven't really been any issues, and you haven't needed the viagra, so that's good, right?
Sexual pleasure, from a female standpoint, isn't all about the erection. The erection is nice, but it's about foreplay, closeness, intimacy, touching, communication. Women all like different things, but do you know what your partner likes? If you've been together for awhile, you probably know if she likes oral, or likes to be fingered, or have her clitoris touched, or both, etc. That stuff makes you a good partner. You're playing adult games with her - that's fun, and is a cool way to be sexual. It means you're open to different things. We like that, generally speaking. Are you open about what you love about her, about her body? Your partner is reassuring you - are you giving that back?
The erection is a nice thing, but it's not nearly the only thing. You sound like you're doing just fine. :)
Hi Jessi thanks for taking the time to read my post and type that message. All i can feed back is what she tells me she tells me everything is good for her she just wants to see me better as it is really starting to drag my mood down. I would say we are very open with each other about what we like and dont etc
Last night we sat down and spoke about things then started kissing and had great sex after i performed oral and i was still hard so she returned the favour. Today we tried and i started panicking and totally flopped. Dont know wether to use the tablets for a while or not as dont want to become reliant on them.
Last night we sat down and spoke about things then started kissing and had great sex after i performed oral and i was still hard so she returned the favour. Today we tried and i started panicking and totally flopped. Dont know wether to use the tablets for a while or not as dont want to become reliant on them.
My guess is you "flopped" because you panicked, not for any other reason.
Everything you describe is thoughts and feelings:
"For the last couple of months I have been stressed or worrying about my erections."
"If I dont wake up hard I panic straight away although it usually pops up not long after."
"I know the worrying and stress isnt helping just cant seem to stop the cycle. This isnt the first time I have had these issues, over the years these thoughts/feelings have come and gone sporadically but this phase seems to be lasting longer."
You don't mention any actual performance issues until today:
"I have spoke to my partner and she assures me everything is ok when we have sex feels as always does etc and in my mind I tell myself everything is ok yet I dont convince myself. We are still having sex or sexual contact on a regular basis. A couple of nights ago we were playing an adult boardgame and I was solid the whole time we were playing and enjoyed my victory which makes me think its a mental block over any physical/chemical issue." - your partner is satisfied, you're having regular sexual contact, you were erect the entire time you were playing the game, and even you think it's a mental issue over any kind of physical issue.
"he prescribed viagra to see if it helped, I have never had to take one and never had any issues performing."
You've never needed the viagra, and in fact, don't want to take it.
I don't know if there's something deeper here - a fear of intimacy, a fear of not satisfying a partner, some kind of shame or trauma in your past, or something else, or if this is how anxiety is manifesting itself - and you certainly don't need to share anything you don't want to share. You have had medical tests that say you're fine.
If you're in a location that is offering telemedicine, see if there is a therapist will do online or telephone therapy. Your erections aren't the issue here, factually. It's seemingly anxiety. Maybe in the meantime, focus on other parts of intimacy - just focus on touching something. There are other ways to be intimate without sex. If you're quarantining together, it may feel like you need to do all the sex things, but try to do all the intimate things instead.
Everything you describe is thoughts and feelings:
"For the last couple of months I have been stressed or worrying about my erections."
"If I dont wake up hard I panic straight away although it usually pops up not long after."
"I know the worrying and stress isnt helping just cant seem to stop the cycle. This isnt the first time I have had these issues, over the years these thoughts/feelings have come and gone sporadically but this phase seems to be lasting longer."
You don't mention any actual performance issues until today:
"I have spoke to my partner and she assures me everything is ok when we have sex feels as always does etc and in my mind I tell myself everything is ok yet I dont convince myself. We are still having sex or sexual contact on a regular basis. A couple of nights ago we were playing an adult boardgame and I was solid the whole time we were playing and enjoyed my victory which makes me think its a mental block over any physical/chemical issue." - your partner is satisfied, you're having regular sexual contact, you were erect the entire time you were playing the game, and even you think it's a mental issue over any kind of physical issue.
"he prescribed viagra to see if it helped, I have never had to take one and never had any issues performing."
You've never needed the viagra, and in fact, don't want to take it.
I don't know if there's something deeper here - a fear of intimacy, a fear of not satisfying a partner, some kind of shame or trauma in your past, or something else, or if this is how anxiety is manifesting itself - and you certainly don't need to share anything you don't want to share. You have had medical tests that say you're fine.
If you're in a location that is offering telemedicine, see if there is a therapist will do online or telephone therapy. Your erections aren't the issue here, factually. It's seemingly anxiety. Maybe in the meantime, focus on other parts of intimacy - just focus on touching something. There are other ways to be intimate without sex. If you're quarantining together, it may feel like you need to do all the sex things, but try to do all the intimate things instead.
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