Self destructive and suicidal, i think i hit the bottom please help.

[Quidam365]

Hi all, i have a history of depression anxiety and substance abuse. 3 days ago i got high on stimulants which lead me to do the worse mistake of my life. I slept with a street hooker which was a junkie heroin user and the problem is: i am in a relationship and i love my wife, she's the world to me and i would literally prefer to be dead if id lose her. Considering that this was a risk of STD exposure is one thing, but the fact that i slept with some trashy hooker while having an amazing attractive woman home which I betrayed drives me crazy. I can't understand why and how i ended up being this stupid. I decided to keep this secret and get mental health help and substance abuse as well, i am doing all i can to be a better husband but the guilt and dread of doing something like that driving me to the edge. I will carry this burden to the grave, i cannot confess. I feel dirty, just by thinking about my acts, it makes me feel sick, i am also a huge hypochondriac and even though i remember using protection i still obssess over HIV an other stds.I called off sick from work and isolated myself, i don't eat much lately i just cant stop obsessing over this and it id torture.... I will refrain from any intercourse until i can get tested. I want to heal, i deeply regret what i did, it haunts me to the point that sleep is my only safe place, please help me cope and guide me to become a better person.

[specialmom]

Well, the title of your post is worrisome.  Thoughts of suicide are scary. If you are thinking of any plans of how to or are seriously considering it, please reach out for help. I'm not sure what part of the world you are living in but you need to be safe and call for help if this amplifies in any way. We don't give any type of std/hiv risk assessment here as there are forums for that but we can talk about your mental health.  I am sure you are anxious but also the guilt you describe sounds to be making you feel depressed. I say feel depressed because a depression diagnosis has specific things to it such as feeling this way every day for at least two weeks. We can be very down and emotionally upset and not clinically depressed. However, when someone is thinking seriously about suicide? Then it may be treated as a depressive episode.

Regret, shame and guilt can take a toll. I'm not sure what caused you to make this choice. I would say the drugs you did didn't help and I'd either abstain in the future or be very careful.  I can accurately say that everyone makes mistakes in a relationship.  And cheating once? Well, it's terrible. However, this is just me but I wouldn't want to know about it if my husband did this. If he spent the rest of his days being a great husband?  Okay, I'll not know and just enjoy my great husband and live in ignorant bliss. If you take that path, you have to forgive yourself. Let the guilt and shame go.  Do you think you can do that?

Back to your mental health.  Depression is treatable.  Therapy can really work through problems as well as provide help with coping skills. Medication is needed by some but not everyone. Suicidal thoughts are a serious thing so I do encourage you to get help as soon as possible.

[Paxiled]

I can't say if you're depressed or not, as Mom said above, we don't know if you really mean you feel suicidal.  If you do, seek help.  But it sounds more to me like you are obsessed by feeling guilty about what you did and terrified you might have jeopardized your marriage.  I agree fully with Mom, when you have a one and done do not tell your wife.  Just don't.  You will hurt her.  You will hurt you.  Nothing will be helped by it.  If you have to talk about it, get a therapist and talk to that person.  As for being a good husband, look, life is very hard and human beings aren't great people.  None of us are free of the worst goofs in life.  We do things on the spur of the moment and regret it later and then often go and do it again.  We are human.  If you love your wife, you must get over the guilt.  Guilt is there to teach us when we do something we shouldn't do again.  If we hold onto it, it eats us alive.  If we learn from it, we become better human beings.  But let's focus on the part where you say you have a history of substance abuse, depression, and anxiety.  What have you done to treat that?  Those things can make us obsess a lot over negative things.  When we're unhappy, especially unhappy with ourselves, we do things we regret, as you just did.  Advice?  Get treatment for the mental illness part of it.  See a therapist.  Work on that.  But you gotta find a way to let the guilt not eat you alive, because again, if you do that, you won't be a good husband and it will be just as bad for your relationship as telling her what you did.  She doesn't deserve that.  So get to work on the things that matter most.    

[Quidam365]

Thank you for your comments. I acknowledge that i messed up and i will do everything to be the best partner possible. I have a heavy cross to carry on my back, but I'm no longer looking back, i have scheduled therapy with a psychiatrist and a addiction specialist, i love my wife and i will do anything to keep her happy and make up for my mistake.

[specialmom]

This is excellent news.  I wish you the best of luck. Stick with it as it takes some work to move past things but you can get there.  Keep in touch with us and let us know how it goes.

[artemesia2]

I'm happy for your sake you learned from your experiences.  Many experiences can be learning ones.  I'm glad it was for you.   I think Mom is right .It  does no good to tell your wife.  The fact you feel  guilty sounds to me you possess a conscience.  That is super important.  Its a saying that sounds trite but its  quite true.  You live you learn.  If you're still feeling down, especially suicidal contact your mh professional asap.  Good luck to you and your wife your entire family, hugs.

[AnnieBrooke]

I so agree with the others about not telling your wife if it was a once and done mistake. Yes it was a big mistake, but no you don't intend to do it again. So you've gotta carry that weight alone.  The compulsion to confess is just you wanting to dump the load. Don't do that to her, who was innocent of anything. Take care, it sounds like you're going the total right direction. Your counselor can help you figure out the sources of your self-descructive impulses, which will change everything for the better. (Slowly, but it does make a big difference.)