I’m gonna be honest I just don’t really know where to ask this? I’ve been thinking about how I do this a lot with different media and I’m starting to get a little concerned about it but I don’t want to bring it up to anyone in fear that they might look at me like I’m insane. I don’t have a therapist, and I would talk to one about this if I did, but I have no way of getting one at the moment.
I’ll try and make it short. My friends and I have been playing this game together and it’s…horror, basically. All of it. It’s very dark. But I’ve never been triggered by that kind of content, whether it be movies, games, etc. There’s a part in this game where you get kidnapped, and your kidnapper tells you to cut yourself and you have the option to do it. This on its own isn’t what’s making me want to do it, though. I tend to hyperfixate on things I really like, and I really like this game. I like that it can shock me and make me a little uncomfortable. And when I like a movie or show or game or book or what have you, I’ll get super attached to a character and they’ll be ALL I think about for weeks or even months. I really like this character that kidnaps me in the game, and I’ve found that when I join my friends to play it I get really excited, and I get this urge to self harm. Not out of fear or it making me sad, or anything like that. I think, to some extent, I want to do it because I like the character?
I wanna be clear though, I know that’s bizarre and very NOT normal. I haven’t done it, but I want to. I’ve felt this way in the past with different fictional characters, where I get so caught up in it that I want to do things “for” them. Whether that be making something, dressing a certain way, etc. It’s not always harmful, but sometimes it is.
I guess I just want to know what this is? Why I do this? I know I’d have to talk to a professional, but I’m hoping maybe someone can respond and perhaps point me in the right direction without being too judgmental about it. I’m not going to harm myself, nor would I ever harm anyone else. And I don’t think I’m in any immediate danger. Feeling this way just sorta makes me feel…weird.