Partner and I hurting since D&E at 19 weeks

[suzanna40]

I had an elected D&E at 19 weeks after months of heavy bleeding, constant threats of miscarrage (a suspected loss early on as we may have been having twins) the possibility of abnormalities due to prescription drugs taken (by my partner) during conception, all put together made our pregnancy extremely traumatic for us both and I in particular found it difficult mentally to take on.  Although I thought I was making the right decision at the time this was mainly due to the fact that if I didn't have the termination that day I would have to travel over 200 miles from my home town to get a termination from 19 weeks onwards and I didn't want to be in a strange place away from family to do this and sadly I couldn't get hold of my partner to discuss this (I have to mention that my partner has never questioned my decision and I'm sure he believes that I thought I was doing the right thing).  However I now really regret my decision as the anguish and upset before is nothing compared to the pain and loss now and miss my little boy so much.

This 'situation' has been very hard on my partner and I and we have had a few disagreements over the last month and don't deal with things in the same way.  Words have been said out of hurt and now I feel unable to let my feelings be known to him as I feel very uncertain and lost, however I know that he is hurting too and want to be there for him. I guess I'm just looking advice and words from other couples on how they manage to get through this difficult time together?

[leon0409]

I agree with both of the last postings, I think you two have to talk it out and maybe consider counseling. This is something you can’t go through alone, you can but why would you choose to? Let him know what you feel and let him tell you what he feels without judgments from either side and without getting frustrated. It's important to keep your relationship strong; especially if this is the someone you love and want to have children with. I wish you the best. It's good that you are letting this out and getting advice from people on the outside, this is after all what counseling really is about, they'll just want you two to talk to each other not at each other, and you know what I mean. Best of luck ok
Hopeful K

[usuk]

so sorry. you two have to talk. sometimes it will only come out during an argument. it took my husband almost a year to finally lose it. he cried a lot at the first loss but not so much for the other 2. finally one day he just let it go. it is normal to feel guilt or point fingers. but without your relationship there will be no lovely baby. just let it bubble over and move on as soon as you can. i wish you the best.

[annaleesmom]

i am so sorry you had to go through this.  perhaps you can try couples counseling???
with every decision there can be regrets.  You shouldn't feel bad because you did what was right in your heart.  You can't blame youself for doing what you felt was right, even if you have changed your mind.
best wishes.