Venting after MC & D&C

[Latrice414]

I just needed to vent a little, having a m/c had me on a emotional rollercoaster, if you check my mood tracker you would see.  Today was the burial services for my baby, it was so nice, i got to say goodby and leave a little toy behind.  I no that now my baby is in a better place and will be waiting for me when i pass.  I think this is what i needed for closure, i can feel that im starting to feel a little better and now i can see in the furture, not that i will ever 4got my baby Logan Alex Hickman-Thompson, but that i can now start moving forward because i was so stuck between the past because i hurted so much and i didnt have answers that were comforting to me.

To all the women who have had m/c's i feel and understand your pain, there is nothing like being able to chat with people who no what you are going threw.  I want to say TY to everyone who has replied to my post and those who have made post that i was able to read.  You guz have helped me threw this difficult time, because i swear i was speaking a foreign language when i was talking to my friends and some family members.  TY ladies, and i hope i can be just as a big help to you guz as you were to me.

TTC for the month of August or September, much baby dust to alllllll, and you are all in my prayers every night, i thank god every night for this forum. XOXOXX  Latrice

Feel free to take time out to vent if you need to under this post.

[hope61]

It is very heard indeed. HARD! FN HARD! AND LONELY AND SAD AND EVERYTHING. I don't know what to do any more I had the miscarriage on 7/1/08, I had not told anyone about the pregnancy since it was so early and I wanted to find the right way. But it didn't even let me find the right time. I found out I was preg on 6/30/08 and first I heard there was no heartbeat was on 6/7/08. After that I wanted to wait to see if everything was going to be okay so that I didn't say I am and I am not. After the doc. told me that is it these are your options, I just waited all byself hardest thing. I had the miscarriage and nobody knew. I was holding all to myself, I didn't tell anyone, I told my mom until 7/4/08 because I just couldn't take it anymore. Some of my sisters found out, but there is really not much people could say.  Those days where the most terrible days of my life.  I finally went back to work on Wed. of this week and is just sad.  Since all this happened at work, everytime I go down that hall, I remember holding my stomach hardly being able to walk.  I just started that job 6/23/08 so I am in for long pain, I was thinking. I left work came home took shower and that was it. Didn't tell anyone, didnt even go to the hospital big mistake! Didn't even tell my bf until close to midnight! (on the phone) big mistake! the reason I did that is because "he doesn't like to get all emo" and when I told him the day before I was bleeding, well. last of story. I am just venting! venting! because eventhough I am able to pull it through the day, when I get home, I go to my room, that's the end of it. I have 5 other children from my deceased husband and they don't even know what's going on. They ask and don't even know what to tell them. It hurts me so much for them to see me like that.  My mom calls me everyday to see how I am doing. Other than that I am just on my own. REALLY! If it would not have been for the people on here and on yahoo, I don't know what I would have done. Oh and did I mention, that the guilt is killing me as well.  I had took a cup of chamomile tea which I blame myself for doing because I had heard the myth of it being bad and I still took the risk not believing   something would happen. Everything I read said it was safe until I found this one website that said it was bad and a stimulant for your period.  Doctors say I am crazy and no such chamomile can cause pregnancy terminate. I still believe that was the cause since I drank it knowing I had some cause of effect on periods not pregnancies. Doc said I had and empty sac no fetal pole no heartbeat, I just can't understand what the heck they mean. I asked and ask for an explanation but for some reason, nothing makes sense. wOW this has been some venting! thanks for those who listen to those who read to those who post comments and in some way give comfort to all of us that are going through this.  And I better stop writing if not I ll go on and on and on! Well I probably am when I get tired of crying and being in my room and I come back and start researching again and reading and asking. I don't even know what to do anymore. Really sometimes I wish......  Sorry. THANKS ALL YOU LADIES! REALLY THANKS! I feel I have nobody! When I call my 'best friend" I get the feel I already bored her with my subject.  I just wished I would have thought to go to the hospital and or brought the discharge home for a burial.  REGRET REGRET REGRET.   Eventhough the doctor said there was no baby I don't understand that terminology. I saw something like a beanlike and thats what they say the baby looks when is that small.  I was diagnosed when I was going into the 6wk. I waited for two weeks for the miscarriage. I think this is when I did most of my grief-ing. I just hoped so much it would never come. I read so much about doing fast diagnosis when they say no fetal pole and than the pole is seen at 8-10 wks. I was just wishing and hoping this was my case. Than when I started getting the cramps I knew there was no going back. that was the most painful time. Now that I am able to stand up and go to work I feel guilty I feel like I have griefed enough.  When I am at work I seem to be fine but when I get out I feel the urge to cry....same at home I am starting to do so stuff I had left behind this 3 wks. house is upside down just like me.   I don't know. I just don't. I blame myself, then I think not. I don't know. I don't know. Im al by myself.  And Im 35 who even knows if I will ever get the chance to get preg again. Now I am feeling pain on sides of lower back that run through  the sides of buttocks, know I am starting to feel some burning on front not abdominal but like on sides.  By the way has anyone experienced this before after miscarriage.. They are not cramps don't feel like.  I have an appt on Monday. It just seems like I've been in the docs office ever since 6/7/08 ER, 6/12 doc office and hcg, 6/16 another blood test, 6/19 bad news, 7/5 ER, 7/8 make sure everything was out, I've been in there g's. Please I need a lot of prayers please. I feel like I am falling apart. I was going to church, I didn't take my eyes of God, I just turned around for a little bit and all that is happening. I listen to christian radio, but I feel like GOD is not listening, I really feel like all this had to do with that dm tea! If I only had not dranked it. I can't take it sometimes. Well for real let me get off here. Just venting.  thank you BNY your comment was appreciated!

[bny807]

your right, NO ONE could prepare me for what going thru a mc was going to be like, physically or emotionally! its been the hardest thing ever, and i think we've been through some pretty hard times.. but i sware there is always something that seems to top it off... i 've always felt like i could handle anything after being thru so much in my life, but since finding out all of our "issues" and the challenge of trying to concieve its like this whole thing has really hit me where it hurts.. its tough!    i don't knwo what i'd do without all of you to relate to and talk to, unless you;'ve been there and been thru it there is NO way to understand!    GOOD LUCK and i'm praying that you'll have a little one in your arms very soon and this challenge will be far behind you! : )

[adgal]

You go ahead and vent anytime you need to.  I know you read some of my journal posts, and well, you saw the state I was in, so I understand, believe me.  I know what you mean about "speaking a foreign language" with friends and family members.  One of the hardest things about m/c in my opinion is how lonely you can feel.  I know I felt that way.  People just don't understand how it can hit you so hard.  Its tough.

I think that you had a burial service is beautiful.  I wish I had done that.  What a lovely way to say "see you later".  I wish you all the best, and am so happy to hear you are doing ok now.  Take especially good care of yourself, and take the time you need.  No expectations of yourself, know what I mean?  By the way, I also wanted to thank you for the supportive notes when I was in my "dark place".  I wasn't responding to anyone for awhile, was just taking some time, but it was very much appreciated.  You are a beautiful person, and I know you will be blessed soon.

TAke care,