when will i be ok?

[jessjane]

In 2010 I had two miscarriages.  And i'm still not ok.  My last one was in aug of 2010.  That is a long time ago really.  but i'm not ok.  I'm still so sad and hurt and now i'm so angry.  I hate everyone who is pregnant or has a baby that should be my babies age.  I just hate everyone to be honest.  
i still cry every night.  My insides hurt so much, like a big part is just gone.  
I feel like a failure.  I feel sad and lonely and scared.
I hate myself.  I know how lucky I am to have a 2 year old.  But it honestly adds to my pain.  I want another.  I want him to have a sibling and I just can't seem to do it.  I feel like I'm failing him. I feel like Im not a good enough mother to him so that is why I don't get ot have another one.  I just hate myself so much.  
\i want to smile again and be a good mom.  I feel like I don't even deserve him because he isso wonderful with babies but i can't give him a partner in crime.  
will I ever be ok?  will this pain ever end?  or should I stop fighting it?  I feel like I don't deserve to be said because so many others don't even have a child.  so i feel guilt about that.  i feel like i shouldn't be whinning or sad because at least ihave him.  but that isn't my life.  that isn't how i feel.  I doon't feel complete, I don't feel satisfied.  and i feel like a bad mom to write this.  I'm so awful.

[tschock]

I've had my fair share of miscarriages...and you never truly get over them.
It's normal to feel what you're feeling, but you need to try and move on.
If you can let go of the negative feelings and release the stress, then you'll have a chance at getting pregnant again.

After my third miscarriage, hubby and I tried like crazy to get pregnant...I was too stressed...even though my mind didn't really feel stressed, my body felt it.
As soon as we "stopped trying" I got pregnant and managed to keep that one.

I seem to lose one, have one, lose one, have one...etc.
Our youngest just turned two and we lost one on the fourth of this month. Hubby wants a younger sibling for this one in the worst way...the other boys are all grown up and way too old for the 2 year old...bb#3 is 16...so big age gap between all of them.

I know exactly how you feel kiddo...trust me. I'm going through it too.
Just hang in there and try to feel better like I said...I know it's easier said than done, but if you want another one you will have to let go of the pain and stress.
Maybe a support group, yoga, etc.
And stop trying to make babies...once you tell yourself you're done...that's when it happens for me and a lot of other women anyway.
Good luck.

[jessjane]

I hear what your saying and thank you for taking the time to say it, but I have no idea how to get over the pain and move on.  I wish I was stronger and better so I could be like, well that's how it works sometimes and keep a positive outlook.  But that isn't me.  I have a huge amount of guilt about the loses.  My husband is 8 years old then me and he doesn't want to have children when he is in his 40's.  

I'm stressed I know I am.  I'm so sad and I feel that I'm just not good enough- so therefore I don't get another beautiful blessing- a baby.  I just have so much pain and anger still and I my mother keeps saying that so many women handle this situation better than me, and I need to accept it and move on.  I'm trying to handle it the best I can- I really am trying.  It just seems that even when I fake it- dress up, put on a smile, laugh I'm not happy on the inside- then again comes the guilt.  

I do what to try for another and I think I would be lying to myself and my husband if I said we weren't trying but lets just see what happens.  I would know I'm still trying.  egad I'm so confused.  

Thanks again- it is wonderful to hear that you have been blessed with some many wonderful children.  

[shasy03]

I don't think anyone does ever get over a miscarriage.  I have had 5 with no children.  It breaks my heart because I want a family so badly.  I work in child care and I am the one who has to talk to new parents about the center...expectant mothers.  It kills me...I just found out that my SIL is pregnant again with baby number 2 and I am happy...but at the same time inside I feel like dying.   It is really easy for other people...and I haven't been able to accept it.  I find myself spending a lot of time with my puppy and trying to stay busy with work to get away.  I somewhere have lost myself...so I can see where it's stressful and frustrating.

Keep your head up.  You are not failing as a mother.  Your son knows that you are awesome!   In the right time he will have a sibling.  The best way I can cope with the miscarriages is to think how much fun they are having in heaven with the close family members I have lost.  Knowing that they are holding them and playing with them till I can get there.

I am thinking about you and I am so sorry for your losses.

[jessjane]

I can't imagine having 5 miscarriages.  I don't think I could do it.  you are so strong for even being about to write it. it has taken me months and months to be able to write about my 2.  I also worked at a daycare before I had my boy.  It was wonderful but I'm not sure if I could do it now.  Being around all those pregnant women all the time.  I'm jsut not strong enough.  

I have also found out that my sil is having another baby.  i found out last friday and had a complete breakdown.  my niece is not even a year yet.  my brother is not happy adn neither is she so i'm so upset.  i would do anything in the world to be expecting again but i'm not even though we have been trying.  It is wonderful that you are happy for them, I am not.  I'm trying to be but I'm really not.  THey said they are not ready, etc.  so right now i hate them both.  but mostly just myself for sucking so bad at life.  

[navaehlei]

ive had two early miscarrages and know exactly how you feel. it was super hard the hardest time of my life. after the second one which i believe was worst than the 1st i decided to change my attitude and try new things. those new things keept me really busy and my mind off it all the time although i still had my moments things werent so bad and then three months later i got pregnant and am now 5 months along with a little boy! it will happen. i always believed it would for me so you have to aswell!!!!

[tikiii]

Yes it is sad sorry for your loss. Try to be more positive you will get pregnant again and have a healthy baby. First take care of yourself, get healthy.

[coffeebuzzedliz]

I have had 2 M/C this year. I am sad and REALLY wish they worked out, but I have come to accept it and have not mad it my fate. I will have another baby, I just don't know when, and if I don't I will adopt.
I am going to say this but please don't take it the wrong way, have you thought about anti-anxiety or anti-depressants, above you said "will I ever be ok?  will this pain ever end?  or should I stop fighting it?"   to me that is someone who  is going through a lot emotionally and perhaps needs some chemical regulation. You are right to feel sad, but it sounds like it is really taking over your life. Sorry if I assumed anything and you can ignore me if you like.