Exhausted

[ShadowsSister]

It's not really a question, I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I am so tired of the pain. The morphine pump doesn't hit the bladder and colon pain. I am tired of waiting for tomorrow. I wish I could just bring this to an end. But my Children and Grand Children wouldn't understand, and I know I don't have a right to be so selfish. But I am tired of living with this daily pain, it is stopping me from having any quality of life. Of it weren't for those I would be leaving to suffer because of my actions... I can't even finish that thought.
Tonight I found myself looking up suicide on line. No answers found... I know what depression feels like and this doesn't feel like depression, I just feel desperate.

[humming4u]

you don't probally know me, i dont' post much. but on reading your first post, my heart just took off and ran towards you.i am just at the beginning of all this, but i'm having colon pain now for about 4 months, and have had every testing done,with no answers,or dxs, just contipation said, due to pain meds i'm on for my terrible, unbearable, head pain.
and when the head pain began, i felt so like you.I've been on my knees with my head on the floor seeking releif,begging for I don't even know what.
Now,i will remember you, and in my suffering, your strenght i'll recall.i'm going to try to get as loved as you are here too! everyone was amazing, and you were perfect in receiving.i'll pray for releif to come calling, and angel wings to brush fear way.
                                                                    humming4u

[ShadowsSister]

You got it!!! Only today... I hope you have a good one... Hugs..

[Lulu54]

DJ-
One day at a time -  that is a lesson we all should follow.  Don't waste time regretting yesterday or fretting about tomorrow when we have today to live.  

My best as always,
Laura

[ShadowsSister]

Thank you all so much... Today is a new Day, so it is on with the fight for one more day... That's how I do it...Just one day at a time... Other wise it would just be far too difficult... I am sending love filled hugs to each of you... I'l write more later.. May God bless and keep each of you in His Loving Arms...
All of you PLease have a love filled Day...HOTW...Shadow

[mary_kay]

Sending you love and light....

Mary Kay

[Freespirit24]

I just came across this and know you are getting help. I think you have been given the best advice anyone here can give. I also think you did not wish to leave this earth so soon or you would not have come here.........................hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for the group her for being her just when you needed them.

I pray now you have the right medications and are feeling way better.

MY Prayers continue to be with you and tons of hus and kisses on the wings of angels are sent right to you.

Sarah

[Lauri8967]

I just wanted to join the rest in saying Im glad you are here too, and that you have found the support we all need so much.  These diseases are too hard to fight alone.
You are such a power of example to me in battling your disease for so long and still finding the time to be a Mom and a Grandma...
You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight...
Love Lauri
Get some rest tonight my friend - youve had an emotional day....xoxo

[ShadowsSister]

Thank you sweetie, you are so kind and giving.. I am here for you too...Have a restful evening and a love filled day tomorrow..I'll post more later,,,HOTW...Shadow(DJ)

[ShadowsSister]

Sweetie, you being there has helped so much, knowing that others do understand and that I am not alone in this part of my life any longer means so much more than I can express. , Janette hope you have a restful evening and a beautiful, love filled day tomorrow..HOTW...Shadow (DJ)

[Janette2836]

Sending prayers your way.  You have given me encouragement since I have been here on this site & I just wish I could make that pain just disappear.  Take care.

Janette

[wonko]

I'm really glad you found this place, too.  The type of support here is very special.  

Here we can share things we can't (or won't, or don't know how to) share with our family, loved ones, and doctors.  We can come here 24/7, and help is never far away.

The medical info and advice we can offer each other "patient to patient" is how a lot of us first came here, but we stay for the awesome people!

[ShadowsSister]

I will make and keep that promise... I really don't know how I went so long with out a support group... Now I have "The Best" all of you are now a part of my family..
Have a love filled day... I'll write more later..HOTW

[Sunnytoday]

Ok... i'm so glad that you posted and let us know you were listening.... we are here for us... and if you feel like this again tomorrow, you just tell us and we will come and crack joke, wrap you in our arms, make you laugh, or cry with you, whatever.... you just HAVE to tell us when you feel like that, OK?

You can't do this alone!!!
~Sunnytoday~

[Wobbly]

I'm glad you let us know how you are....someone is usually on here...maybe only an hour or so where it's quiet...but this family is usually here for all of us...

when you feel that way....call someone, come online...do they have a crisis line there that you could phone someone to talk.??  I don't know..it's not easy ... as we all know.

I too am feeling quite low for the past few weeks, but staying in touch with my friends here too... hang in there honey...

stay in touch...OK..
Hugs
andi

[Fluffysmom]

So here you are with family.  I'm glad you were posting at the same time as me, and are feeling the love we are sending.

Love,

Kathy

[Fluffysmom]

I'm praying and sending warm thoughts and feelings your way; I too have felt what you are feeling, though I wasn't in as much physical pain.  I do understand the desparation.  I too am crying, praying very hard that your despair is lifted enough to let you call and get the help you need to change things and improve your quality of life.  

I hope you are right now with family, or at the hospital, getting your medications adjusted.  Mother, grandmother and is that a cat I see you holding?  My cats helped me; I couldn't bear the thought of them going to the Humane Society.  You have this family too, which seems to grow every day.  I will continue to hope and pray, and send loving, peaceful thoughts your way, so that you find relief and comfort.

Hugs, hope, and prayers,

Kathy

[ShadowsSister]

It's difficult to type through my tears of gratefulness. I love all of you at this site. My Doctors are great, seriously, they do know the amount of pain I am in on a daily bases. We have tried every antispasmodic drug that is on the approve drug list. I was on Valium for several years 1986-1991, but it never really worked for the bladder and colon spasms.
My daughter Cheri, she is the one who helps me the most, knows how really difficult these past two years have been, most of my family knows also. They feel just as helpless as my Doctors all do.Baclofen never worked, it made the internal spasms so much worse. These are the most recent drugs that we have tried over the last two -three years, Enablex, Skelaxin, Singulair, Bextra,and, Sanctura. Now I am taking Zanaflex and Ditropan a long with the meds for my stomach. I also use Benefiber and Miralax every day, these are to force my bowels to work at all.
All of your support today has gotten me through the darkest part today, it's just that these thought have been coming up more often now. I don't dare share these kind of thoughts with my family because they would be so very scared and not trust me.
I haven't shared "These Thoughts" with any one until now. I have told all of my Doctors that I am very tired and they are all searching for some thing we haven't yet tried.
Again I thank all of for being out there for me..I'll stay I touch, because I don't want you to worry about me, but also because all of you mean the world to me.. Each of you have made my world a brighter place... Hugs filled with love to each of you...

[Wobbly]

Please let us know how you are...we are here for you and want to help in any way possible... I hope you are able to get to the Dr or get some help to get to one...that will help with the pain you are feeling

no one should be through this pain.  Your never alone honey... just hang in there and ask for some help...OK...

Hugs....Hugs.... HUGS....

andi

[doni54]

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.  Everyone has given you great advice, I'm just here to let you know that I care and I will listen anytime you need me.  

Last summer I was in a similar place as you and these beautiful people on here jumped to my rescue.  We are all here for you, DJ.  I am just so glad you found us.

Tell us what we can do to help, anything you want.  You are a part of this family now and don't think you are going to get away with giving up!!!  We DO NOT allow this!!!!

Can't you tell how we have all just fallen in love with you?  You are a precious lady and we need you here.  I am sending my love, comfort & support to you and praying for you to find the right meds to ease your pain.

Love & Hugs
doni

[sllowe]

Hey Mama, you where are you? I know you feel desperate and are in so much pain. I hope our words and prayers reach you no matter where you are.  You are a part of us!

FORUM, WRAP YOUR LOVING PROTECTIVE ARMS AROUND SHADOWSISTER, SHE'S BEEN A BLESSING TO US SINCE SHE CAME OUR WAY....

Love, hugs, support and prayers for you,
-Shell

[Heather3418]

bump

[Lulu54]

You got excellent advice and words of wisdom from these fellow members so I won't comment more -I do want to tell you though that out of the worst things even we can learn something.  I did not know what Wish was writing about morphine and spasms.  I always assumed that morphine would make you numb to everything!

If you had not posted your despair and pain, I would not have learned that today.  

I am so glad you turned on your computer and came here to share.

Feel better my friend,
Laura

[Heather3418]

Wish came up with the perfect answer along with the others.  We are here for you, night or day.  I know you want the pain to end, but as you said, how can you leave that memory with your children and grandchildren?  Their tears over the loss of you, would be with them for a lifetime.  I know in the end, you could never cause them that kind of pain.

Morphine is very limited to take care of the spasms as Wish said.  This delimna needs to brought up to the doctor's and some more adjusting and possible some additions need to be made to your pain control.

You don't have to suffer like this.  You have to fight.  In the sort time I have known you, I couldn't bear the thought that pain drove you to thinking about taking your life.  You are so loved and in such a short time here.  We all beg you to talk to your doctor about these feelings.  Your family needs you and so do we.

Please don't lose HOPE.....You are SO loved....

In Jesus' name I will pray for you and all those that endure needless suffering.

BIGGEST HUGS and much love,
Heather

[Sunnytoday]

Wish totally hit it on the head... and said everything I couldn't...

Now... let us know you are OK!!!!!!!!!!!

Do as Wish said, PLEASE..... and go for some pain relief ASAP that will be targeting the right thing...

We are here for you, waiting....
~Sunnytoday~