I'm just so angry

[4happygnomes]

I've always been known as a carefree, easygoing, happy person...but right now I'm dealing with some not so nice feelings ...I'm super angry and bitter lately about my situation.  While other Mom's are making big plans for themselves and their kids for the summer..my "big outing" is making it around the block with the kids.  It used to be that I had to accompany them so that they stayed safe, now it's the other way around!  This balance situation is taking me down!

I feel gypped for both myself and my family.  Not only is my "world" getting smaller, but so are my kid's.  I hate that!!  I used to believe in karma..you know, good things happen to good people...bad things happen to "bad" people.  I know I, nor anyone else on these forums, "deserve" the hand we've been dealt.  It's just all so unfair!  

I cry often over what I've lost and am losing, but even more so out of frustration and anger..I was an "athlete" that can no longer push her body, I was a on the go active Mom that now sits on the sidelines.  We've spent $10,000 (yes!!) over the course of this year and I'm no better off than when this first began and no end in site since I don't have a diagnosis.  

Despite it all, bless my kids...they are great!  My oldest said to me today when I was apologizing that we were at home on this beautiful day and not at a pool/beach/park..."Mom, we are fine.  It's not your fault...and wouldn't you rather have happy kids, we are happy".  Breaks my heart that they are being robbed of the childhood I envisioned for them and for me.

I ABSOLUTELY  know people have it much worse than me, or aren't even around to enjoy their children...I'm just angry at my situation and needed to vent.  

How do others deal with this less than desirable emotion?

As always, thanks for listening!  

Karen

[aspen2]

With respect to the undxed part, I do believe that makes it worse.  If course, I'm undxed so I don't know if it is, in fact worse. ;).  I suppose there is still an element of hope that it could be something else.  However, I feel I don't have any sort of reason to be having these problems, the fatigue, the "whatever".  That is the part that is difficult for me.

My counsellor is trying to guide me to acceptance.  Some things I have been able to accept ... Some of the permanent deficits for example.  Other things (lack of diagnosis for one) I just.don't.accept.  Nope.  No way.  So this is the part that might be easier with a dx of something, ms or other ... There is finally a "thing" you officially can battle and accept.

I don't know.  

I'm just glad that we can encourage and support each other during the process :).

[HVAC]

If I were you I would be terribly upset. We do get too much to handle. I have learned that control is an illusion. All we can do is adapt but that is not easy.

Alex

[4happygnomes]

Thank you all so much for the support, encouragement and thoughts.  I really do appreciate it!  I feel very much alone with "this" , so it's invaluable to me to be able to come here and spill a little and to have feedback and opinions and the sharing that this community so wonderfully provides.  So a big THANK YOU!  

I'm going to try all of your suggestions and maybe silently play in my head the song from "Rocky" , "Eye of the tiger", for when I need to dig deep and push myself a little harder.  ;-).  The resiliency "muscle" is certainly getting a work out!


Many thanks!!

Karen

[supermum_ms]

Hey babe......hugs!

Okay don't shoot me, but i grew up with my mum's mental health issues and whilst as an adult i have a totally different perspective, as a child though, all i understood was that when she started voicing 'why me' it wouldn't be long before she would be hair trigger sensitive and start exploding with angry out bursts, and unfortunately then falling into the black hole of depression.

I personally know of a many other's with a similar pattern as my mums, hence the reason i'm bringing up the 'possibility' that you may be heading down hill emotionally wise and if so, i hope you consider being proactive and make an appointment with your psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or counsellor to discuss how your currently feeling and to discuss self help techniques to aid your current coping skill set etc.    

Most of my love ones have a disability of some type, and i've spent all my life being in a supportive roll aiding adults and children with various disabilities, so i know i have an unusual life experience but one of the things that is always in my head space is from the world of Autism......be goal oriented, break it down into achievable mini steps, find a way and do it until, never ever stop reaching!  

I still utilise my 'athlete' mindset every day, and as an former athlete you know there are peaks and troughs in your abilities and even whilst injured, taking a back seat is not something an athlete usually has an easy time with, athletes find a way to keep up and work around the injury..........dig that athlete mindset out, babe stop mentally bashing your self for what you can't do and focus on what you actually can do, set your goals from that starting point and make it happen!
  
Hugs..........JJ

    

[immisceo]

It may be cold comfort, but I'd like to take a moment to give you credit for acknowledging these emotions. There really is no point in wasting energy on pretending you don't feel this way, so it's extremely healthy that you're voicing where your headspace is at the moment.

I don't know what it's like for things to be going wrong physically with no diagnosis and no treatment. I can't imagine how much additional psychological weight that carries. I do CBT therapy and in addition take an SNRI at a relatively love dose (for depression/anxiety). I view these steps as every bit as important to my overall well-being as my direct MS DMDs.

As for your children, as long as you are honest with them, and it sounds like you are, they will be fine. My entire childhood I was surrounded by profound levels of illness in my caregivers. It would never occur to me that my childhood was anything other than extremely happy. Children are resilient. Their environment is their normal, regardless of how unusual it might be. It's really only important to feel safe and loved. With two dying parents, I still felt both.

With MS and its ilk, we're in it for the long haul. You learn to just roll with the emotional ups and downs. Not to say that gets easy, just that you recognise it for what it is and don't freak out when it really hits. You know it will pass. The reality doesn't pass, but your ability to deal with it changes. I'm at the relative beginning of these cycles, but I reckon on it being the way things are for life - a cycle of good, physical changes, mourning, rage, acceptance, reset, good, changes, mourning, rage, acceptance, reset. We adapt. You'll adapt. You're in my thoughts, Karen.

[karryon55]

I am like aspentoo and see a counsellor regularly. It helps me to get things off my chest and sometimes I feel like my middle name should be "Mona" because sometimes I do a lot of moaning. :D I'm not always a moaner though and most of the time I carry a lot of guilt around which sounds a bit like what you are doing. (((Hugs)))

I used to keep a journal which also helped to get some of these emotions out. I do get angry and often internalise it. I find it hard when people complain to me about such trivial things in life and my other favourite is when a healthy person tries to relate with me about fatigue or pain or suggest I have it easy because I don't work. This is where having a good vent can really help.

This year has been a bad one for me and everytime another problem/symptom came along I spent some of it being angry for everything that has happened. I have moved on now and I am putting my energy into making my life more enjoyable. I guess I have learnt that I can spend a lot of time feeling angry about my situation but at the end of the day I don't want to waste my life feeling that way.

Please don't give yourself a hard time about "what is" because in the end you cannot alter your circumstances.

Hugs,

Karry.

[slaytheday]

Hi.

  I was just feeling angry about my own situation a few hours ago.  Yeah, I got the fury.  I got the frustration with people who won't even try to understand what MS is even though they are loved ones.

  You put it beautifully  when you said "my 'world getting smaller'"  That rings so true.  I needed to see it put that way.  Thanks for that.

  With me the level of this anger peaks and valleys.  When you feel like the tea kettle's gonna start whistling you just might need to let it blow and vent like you did here.

  Aspentoo and firerescue9 have given good suggestions.  What I did was pray and cry at the same time.  Then I picked up my phone and called my nephew.  He's pretty much always angry at people and the state of the world.  He's a sweet man nevertheless.  So I listened to him b**** for quite awhile then stopped him and said now we need to find a good, happy topic.  That lead into a lengthy talk about our kitties.

  You just can't get through this without finding some good things (your kids really are all right) and a sense of humor.

  How you haven't been diagnosed I surely don't know and that is the biggest adversary that you're fighting.  I hope that others in the forum who are yet to be diagnosed will weigh in on that for you.

  Sorry for my rambling.  The emotional roller coaster is exhausting.  My heart aches for all who suffer without a diagnosis.

Blessings,
  Melinda

P.S.  Whatever you can do, do.

  

  

[firerescue9]

Your not alone in your feelings.  I recently have been angry with losing the ability to the things I want to do. I have not givin up though and keep trying to do the physical things that are harder for me to do. I have lots of support from my family and friends. My fire company family has been a positive influence and encourage me all the time. I was an avid walker walking 3+ miles a day and very active with my fire company. I now walk around a mile a day (when able) I have modified my response to fire calls which really upsets me. But I am settling in to my new way of life. The angry is less and less.  Hang in there u can get through this.
Leanne

[aspen2]

{{{Hugs}}} Karen.

I talk to my counselor regularly.  I blog.  I pray for others.

It's hard though.  In this with you.