Uncertainty and Fear

[HVAC]

Waiting for test results
Waiting for a diagnosis
Waiting for MS Progression
Wondering about relationships
And for me facing death

All these things cause uncertainty and fear. They can consume you. Much of what we worry about never comes to pass. Most of us do not have to think about death. I do not think my death is coming any time soon. I have to be realistic Cancer has shown up in the 16th place in the last two years.

Where I am is treading water. I kill the Cancer one place and it shows up another.

Before Cancer I was terrified of MS. The testing took so long. When I was young they knew I had a neurological problem but no one knew what it was. I got caught in the mental health system.I was institutionalized as a teenager. There was a lot of fear. Violent patients and just the things the staff did legally and illegally. My parents did not understand my MS and treated me horribly. They tried to beat the behavior out of me. They also with held medical care. I might have been diagnosed sooner.

The point is I determined to be happy no matter what. I could be angry and fearful. Life has given me a full plate.

On the good side I have helped a lot of people and have many friends. It is important to have a good support system.

I spend a lot of time with doctors. I have CT Scans every 8 weeks and blood work all the time. My MS has played a back seat luckily. I think this new drug I am on Amgen 386 is making a difference not only with the Cancer but the MS.

To deal with fear I write. My husband is a great support. I spend time with my animals. I spend time with a friend's child. I garden. I take walks. I read, reading can take you anywhere. I get books for the blind now because of my double vision. I have a spiritual side. I distract myself any way I can. Being in my own head is where I do not want to be.

All of us have uncertainty that is life. All of us want validation we want others like doctors and family to say what you are experiencing or feeling is true especially medically. We all get frustrated.

I just have learned that I have to acknowledge fear and go on. I can't let it consume me. Even with small things like tests. I really do let my doctors do the worrying now.

Alex

[ejonesbowlie]

Awww....bless you Alex.  You certainly help a lot of people by sharing your experiences and etc. on this message board.  I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and continue to go through.  And boy you are right...fear and uncertainty are lethal.  God knows I have done my share of worrying about things.

Just hang in there and know you are not alone in your fears.  You do a lot of good so always try and keep that in the forefront of your mind :-)

Beth

[supermum_ms]

I've often wondered if my growing up with a parent with mental health issues, actually shaped my calm state of being in adulthood, no doubt i could of come out very different if M/H was genetically preordained. Maybe because my mothers erratic mental status has dominated our lives so much, it simply taught me that i can handle the life i'm living.........what ever will be will be!

Robin Williams was a very talented comedian but he lived with darkness, humour may have been what helped to keep him from being consumed by the black hole of depression, and i really do hope he found pleasure in his ability to make people laugh, which he did so effortlessly. There wouldn't be a time when i haven't laughed, it's normal for me to use humour through the tough times but the everyday mundane living is a never ending source of amusement for me too. I have no understanding of why, i just know that it is a big part of me and i'm grateful that laughing is natural for me no matter what the circumstance!

I really don't know the why of many things but i am definitely grateful for my calm centre and the ability to laugh through life's storm, i suspect i'd be in a world of psychological trouble otherwise. I actually believe some of the bravest people on the planet, are those that live beyond their fears..........

HUGS..........JJ

[Mcnickyo]

Alex, thank you for sharing so much. I really admire the way you navigate through the sometimes rough (that is a major understatement) terrain that is your life. Finding a way to deal with what each of us is presented is the work of life. You have tremendous insight and have helped all of us try and be brave, like you. Thank you. Nicky

[HVAC]

I like the Serenity Prayer too.

[kwarendorf]

Worry is a complex concept that for me can be boiled down to:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

Kyle :-)

[nyangel60]

Great post! ((Hugs))) and Cheers at the same time!!