Aa
Very alone
Anyone else with a completely unsupportive, disinterested spouse? Mine makes it all about him. No interest at all after appt today which is pointing in direction of dx. I just do not know how to handle both him, his total lack of interest - to extent he had forgotten about today's appt as with previous ones and mris - I have gone to all alone - and an uncertain prognosis. Never felt so alone.
Thank you to Poppy, Supermum, writingirl, crampinmystyle, Lulu, Alex, for thoughtful, supportive answers. He walked off in the middle of a conversation Friday, and hasn't asked since then........I am just so very grateful for this forum. You are all so very sweet, and knowledgeable, and most of all empathic. I have friends, but they're all busy with their own problems, and family is far, and again engaged with own problems. My husband has never really got anything. He lives in his own world, so I guess I shouldn't have expected a different reaction. He is very goal oriented, nothing gets in his way. We have a young family too. It would just be so nice to be able to talk to him even about the very practical aspects of all of this. Cost of mris, cost of possible treatment, health insurance. I am making all decisions on my own. He checks out of all conversations. Today I have been feeling very guilty for even checking into my symptoms, and for landing a 340 code on my health record, which might have an impact on the family.
Alex, your husband sounds like a gem, even if he was a diamond in the rough to begin, and JJ, your with his toolbox in public makes me smile. Thank you all, you are treasures.
Alex, your husband sounds like a gem, even if he was a diamond in the rough to begin, and JJ, your with his toolbox in public makes me smile. Thank you all, you are treasures.
My husband and I had a hard time with communication at the beginning. Things changed when we went to a couples workshop on communication put on by the MS Society. He did not like that it became all about me and the disease. I now make a point to give his life attention. He like cycling I try to support him all that I can. I volunteered for a cycling event for six hours last Saturday. I will be out of it this week but it is worth it. I even encourage him to go out and ride when I am bed ridden. I am in bed so it does not matter. He had an even harder time when I was diagnosed with Cancer. It turns out he was scared for both of us scared for me and scared of losing me. We had a break through one day he took of work and we spent the time together and really talked.
People react to illness differently. People are who they are. I have to not take him for granted. Communication is the key for us.
I have a large net work of friends. I use them to take me to appointments and help with things. My husband works and then takes care of me and our three dogs and two cats. It is a lot.
He took two years to come around after the MS, Six months for the Cancer. My friends were worried when I came home from the hospital from the Cancer because he thought I could take care of myself and I could not. Now he holds the bucket when I throw up and cleans it.
Alex
People react to illness differently. People are who they are. I have to not take him for granted. Communication is the key for us.
I have a large net work of friends. I use them to take me to appointments and help with things. My husband works and then takes care of me and our three dogs and two cats. It is a lot.
He took two years to come around after the MS, Six months for the Cancer. My friends were worried when I came home from the hospital from the Cancer because he thought I could take care of myself and I could not. Now he holds the bucket when I throw up and cleans it.
Alex
Facing this prospect of MS is isolating enough - doing it with the feeling your partner is detached from you and the process is even worse. I am so sorry you are going through this alone. Do you have another family member or friend who can accompany you to the appointments? It is so very important that you have someone with you to help listen to information and ask questions.
JJ asks a great point - is this how he has always been? If so, your problems are not going to change him. That might be your reality. I hope you will find a way to get support- laura
JJ asks a great point - is this how he has always been? If so, your problems are not going to change him. That might be your reality. I hope you will find a way to get support- laura
As others have commented so well,men sometimes are at a loss as to how to show the support the woman in their life needs...unless they saw it & experienced it as children.So be sure that this isn't what is contributing to your husband's lack of support.If it is,the two of you can work it out,by you letting him know what your needs are.Sometimes a man needs an education!
They're not mindreaders!
Then,there's the type of husband I have/but no longer living with.He does not have empathy for me or what I'm going through.He is a narcissist.Therefore,I knew I had but one option (I tried the other first)...leave and find support from others.
They're not mindreaders!
Then,there's the type of husband I have/but no longer living with.He does not have empathy for me or what I'm going through.He is a narcissist.Therefore,I knew I had but one option (I tried the other first)...leave and find support from others.
My husband and I have a bit of a unique situation. My husband had a massive heart attack, and a week to the day after his heart attack, I got my MS diagnosis. We are both in our forties, with three children. Talk about scared, we both had life altering health news a week apart.
I think it messed him up more than it did me. His heart didn't fully recover and he is at risk for having another heart attack, which could very well be his last. He is scared for me and the kids, he wants me to be able to support us, and worries because I tried to go back to work this year and my body rejected the idea, by the right side of my mouth and face going numb less than a month after I started. I stuck it out for five more months, but I started falling and fatigue set in, and that was from only working part-time.
I have chosen not to talk about my symptoms with him because it only angers and stresses him out. I have learned to channel my own feelings into my writing, and in the last two years I have written seven books (I had a lot of feelings to get out). This is my therapy, and I find it really works for me. He won't talk about his own condition either, thinking about the reality of our situation only depresses us both.
We try to live our lives as if nothing is wrong, dealing with the bumps as calmly as we can and incorporating them into our daily lives. It is hard sometimes not having anyone to comfort you, I know how lonely it can be at times, especially when you are first diagnosed or you have an episode.
When I really need to talk about it, I make him listen. I will tell him, "this is what I need from you, right now." I will try to make it as simple and easy on him as possible. He understands and since I don't do it often he will stop and listen.
I hope this helps, this is my life and I know it's hard going through this alone, and it's disappointing when your spouse isn't there for you. But there are others out there who are, there are so many support groups, and friends and other family members. You just need to find them.
PB :)
I think it messed him up more than it did me. His heart didn't fully recover and he is at risk for having another heart attack, which could very well be his last. He is scared for me and the kids, he wants me to be able to support us, and worries because I tried to go back to work this year and my body rejected the idea, by the right side of my mouth and face going numb less than a month after I started. I stuck it out for five more months, but I started falling and fatigue set in, and that was from only working part-time.
I have chosen not to talk about my symptoms with him because it only angers and stresses him out. I have learned to channel my own feelings into my writing, and in the last two years I have written seven books (I had a lot of feelings to get out). This is my therapy, and I find it really works for me. He won't talk about his own condition either, thinking about the reality of our situation only depresses us both.
We try to live our lives as if nothing is wrong, dealing with the bumps as calmly as we can and incorporating them into our daily lives. It is hard sometimes not having anyone to comfort you, I know how lonely it can be at times, especially when you are first diagnosed or you have an episode.
When I really need to talk about it, I make him listen. I will tell him, "this is what I need from you, right now." I will try to make it as simple and easy on him as possible. He understands and since I don't do it often he will stop and listen.
I hope this helps, this is my life and I know it's hard going through this alone, and it's disappointing when your spouse isn't there for you. But there are others out there who are, there are so many support groups, and friends and other family members. You just need to find them.
PB :)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Unfortunately, it can happen with any chronic medical condition, there are numerous psychological explanations that i could bend your ear about but i believe that people should first explore their own expectations of their partner, before they rip their head off or hold it against them forever more, which is very easy to do when you're really hurting. [HUGS]
What i mean is that sometimes the other person is behaving normally for them eg they usually forget anniversaries, birthdays, their own important appointments etc or they usually avoid or let you deal with the harsh realities, 'other peoples' medical, family, life issues etc or personality wise they are usually narcissistic, un-supportive, thoughtless, self involved, disconnected etc and then it's more about your expectations, and emotional reaction to the other person 'not' behaving differently to their normal.
Knowing your partner is being unusually neglectful of your needs or that your expectations of your partner is beyond their normal, doesn't actually solve the problem but it can help you work out if bringing their un-supportive behaviour to their attention would actually be positive and possibly change future levels of support or if you'd be trying to get what he/she isn't capable of doing and that you'd be better off finding your emotional support from someone else eg best friend, parent etc because your pro-actively making sure you do in future have the support you deserve and need.
And then sometimes it just doesn't matter the reason why it happened, what matters.........is telling your partner how you feel and getting it off your chest.
My husband and I are both caring hands on people but we deal with things very differently, he grabs tools or what not and fixes problems and typically shows his love and support by doing something...........everything else he relies on me to work out and tell him what he needs to 'do' and if he can't do his thing he's often a fish out of water.
hmmmmm thinking about it, DH has gone to only a handful of medical appointments (not his own) involving our kids or me over the decades that we've been together. I know why because i understand him, his family history, as well as his psychological truth and it's not that he's disconnected or disinterested and I'm sure people who don't know him could see him like that, but i have no doubt that he'd drop everything and come running in a heart beat, he just doesn't know how to do support (in public) without a tool box :D
HUGS...............JJ
What i mean is that sometimes the other person is behaving normally for them eg they usually forget anniversaries, birthdays, their own important appointments etc or they usually avoid or let you deal with the harsh realities, 'other peoples' medical, family, life issues etc or personality wise they are usually narcissistic, un-supportive, thoughtless, self involved, disconnected etc and then it's more about your expectations, and emotional reaction to the other person 'not' behaving differently to their normal.
Knowing your partner is being unusually neglectful of your needs or that your expectations of your partner is beyond their normal, doesn't actually solve the problem but it can help you work out if bringing their un-supportive behaviour to their attention would actually be positive and possibly change future levels of support or if you'd be trying to get what he/she isn't capable of doing and that you'd be better off finding your emotional support from someone else eg best friend, parent etc because your pro-actively making sure you do in future have the support you deserve and need.
And then sometimes it just doesn't matter the reason why it happened, what matters.........is telling your partner how you feel and getting it off your chest.
My husband and I are both caring hands on people but we deal with things very differently, he grabs tools or what not and fixes problems and typically shows his love and support by doing something...........everything else he relies on me to work out and tell him what he needs to 'do' and if he can't do his thing he's often a fish out of water.
hmmmmm thinking about it, DH has gone to only a handful of medical appointments (not his own) involving our kids or me over the decades that we've been together. I know why because i understand him, his family history, as well as his psychological truth and it's not that he's disconnected or disinterested and I'm sure people who don't know him could see him like that, but i have no doubt that he'd drop everything and come running in a heart beat, he just doesn't know how to do support (in public) without a tool box :D
HUGS...............JJ
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