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Avatar universal

HOCD or denial?

Hi there I'm a 22 year old male. I recently came across the term HOCD which I wasn't aware of up until a few weeks ago. I have had sexually intrusive thoughts ever since I was 14 as well as asking myself the question if I'm gay. It all began when I was about 14-15 where one day all of a sudden I started to ask myself if I was gay. I don't know exactly what might have caused it. I wasn't a very confident guy as a kid and was a bit shy as well. Nor have I had any girlfriends up until then but I knew that I always wanted to be with them. I dreamed about them, being with them and having sex. I was always devastated when I heard that the girl I liked was with someone else, it was quite pathetic but I knew that what I felt was real. I had never ever felt anything about guys in any way nor did I want to have sex with them. When this question came up I started to go crazy. Instead of just ignoring it as something stupid it kept coming back. It reached a point where I couldn't look another guy in the eyes and that wherever I went I avoided eye contact. I even stared to blush if they were looking at me, which drove me crazy. Why would I ever do that?

This had been going on for about a year. I always kept trying to reassure myself that they're just stupid thoughts and that I'm not gay but they would only come back stronger. I was so ashamed of the whole thing and I started to wonder if I'm really gay and I'm in denial, but I never really allowed myself to ask that question frequently because I was scared that it would be true. I didn't want to tell anyone about it because I couldn't believe that this was happening to me, that I had a problem like this and if was affecting my life. I finally told my mom after a year where I just couldn't deal with it any longer. She told me that it was fine and that it's normal to have such thoughts at those ages. The problem is that I did not go to a OCD specialist because I didn't know what the problem was. I instead went to a psychiatrist who did not help me at all in the end. The problem remained although my mom thought that I had been treated. I was too scared of telling her that the thoughts were still there because I feared that she would say thats there's something wrong with me and that I'm actually gay. I was completely scared. I want to clarify that I have nothing against gay people or their way of life, its none of my business. Ever since my visit to the psychiatrist I have been struggling with these thoughts ever since. I just didn't know what to do. I thought they would go away. But they didn't every day my life was just about those damn thoughts. In the end I wondered if I had finally accepted it secretly but I was still in denial. Why would I not seek help again when they were clearly not my own thoughts? This scared me and I didn't know what to do.

I was too afraid of telling my mom again about the thoughts so I suffered all these years. I don't know if this is a sign that I'm in denial or not. I don't want to be gay. I always wanted a straight life, that is what all my years up until 15 years old were. And these intrusive thoughts just kept coming back against my will. Thoughts that I would have never had normally. Trying to get rid of them did nothing but only to give them more power.

Not to mention I would always get anxious when I heard the word gay or was a a public place, thinking that everyone was looking at me and thinking I was gay. If a guy sits next to me on the tube those I automatically think what's going on? Why did he sit next to me? Does he like me? I know it sounds crazy but it happens every time, I can't control it. I don't want to fear seating on the underground in case some guy sits next to me, its insane.

As I type this I'm feeling completely apathetic, I don't even know why I bother. I feel no anxiety anymore and I rarely get any spikes, it's like I've accepted that I'm gay and that it doesn't bother me anymore. I say this because I get groinal responses just by looking at stuff which I consider against my sexual orientation. When it happened the first time I freaked out and couldn't believe that I have felt something down there by looking at a half naked man. I was really scared and I wanted to cry. I can't remeber anymore for how long I've had them but I always tried to figure out why it happened, why was this happening to me? I wasn't gay so why would I get aroused? These days I get the response just by looking at stuff that might be considered gay or a guy and it's killing me. Why is this happening to me? has this being going on for so long that I have given up and accepted? I don't want to be like this. But at the same time when the response happens there is no reaction even though I know it shouldn't be happening. I just feel apathy, I don't know why. I don't want to become something which I haven't been. I just feel so lost and full of apathy.
I found that I do have some of the symptoms described in HOCD. But I don't know if its really OCD or I'm just in denial. I don't want to think about it anymore.I don't know anymore. I just want my old life back.

I fear that having had this for so many years without seeking help is like deep down I know and have accepted being gay and I won't admit to myself, even though I don't feel gay.

After I had written all this I began to panick I don't know why, I couldn't calm down. It's a long post but I needed to get it off my chest please someone reply to this blog.
9 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
Honestly, what you are supposed to do is just roll with the thoughts.  Basically "whatever" and let it pass over you.  That would be you being apathetic toward the thought.  When we fight the thoughts, that is when they stick around.  Because you describe yourself as non-confident around women that may be playing into your thinking. Also, I'm wondering if after all this time a bit of depression hasn't set it.  Do you feel depressed at all?  

You are old enough now to make your own choices and I think one of your choices should be therapy again.  This time with a psychologist at first and then a psychiatrist if the psychologist and you decide that medication may be of help to you.  For the time being you should definitely learn CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy).  

You are doing the right thing in not letting this thought get to you BUT because you are shy and don't have many girlfriends, more than likely in times of stress, this thought comes back.  We try very hard to get closure on our thoughts and sometimes even when we do find that closure, they come back for some reason and we are back at the same thing again.  

Just so you know, I had this thought as well a long time ago and I was married at the time.  It didn't last long because I was bouncing from one thought to the other at the time like a spinning top.  

Please think about therapy again.  You are 22 and there is a whole life ahead of you and I think with the right help you will be able to live it normally.

I found something on the web that may help you.  I have a post called "HOCD or not" something like that which I will bump back up to the top of the forum.  Take care.
1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi there....wow that is a long time to be wondering about your sexuality.  When you saw the first psychiatrist, what did he/she say?  Did they discuss OCD with you?  What therapy did they perform...talk therapy?  Obviously it didn't help but I'm just wondering what went wrong there.  

From 15 to 22 have you had any girlfriends?
Avatar universal
Hey thanks for your reply.

Saying that makes me quite anxious, I've read other peoples stories and they have had similar problems which lasted years. I hope mines not denial.

It's been so long since I saw the psychiatrist I can't remember exactly. Yeah it was mostly talk therapy. But I remember him saying that I just need to relax and not occupy myself with these kind of thoughts. He didn't mention anything about ocd and I just thought something was wrong with me. I thought no one else whose straight would be questioning his sexuality and having these thoughts. I think that he didn't really address the real issue and thats what left me in the same state.

I've had one yeah, but as I've said I was never really a confident guy and I was quite shy. I have had sex with a few girls in the last few years and I did enjoy it. Up until I was 14 I never, not once had any thoughts about being with guys or wanting to have sex with them. I was a just a normal boy of that age. Thats why I can't just accept that all of a sudden I'm gay. I just dont know anymore.
And the fact that I don't get any anxiety the last few weeks, it feels more like apathy and that I've accepted that I'm gay and yet I mostly feel nothing and it scares me.

Even when it comes to talking to a professional I feel apathetic towards that and thats what scares me. Maybe I'm afraid that he'll tell me that I was gay all along and that I need to come out. I don't know anymore.
Avatar universal
Also forgot to say that I tried to just get on with other things and not let these thoughts affect me, and it worked for a while but they always kept coming back. I think if I was really gay I would have known it by now and accepted it. But I really can't make any sense of all this anymore.
Avatar universal
I try to ignore them but most of the time I start thinking if I ignore them it means I'm acknowledging them and thats what prevents me from just letting them pass. Based on what I've read about OCD I think the fact that I've had these intrusive thoughts all of the time in my head all these years might be why I've become so apathetic, because the mind's tired of fighting back, I hope thats the case.

I've had depression when the whole thing started and it went away for a while when I went to see the psychiatrist. After that it kind of came and went away, I tried to ignore all the intrusive thoughts and just fight back by saying I'm not gay and trying to reassure myself by thinking of all the times before the thoughts started.Also I just barely finished a 3 year BA degree in University, throughout the these 3 years I wasn't making an effort and in the last year where we had to submit our final work I was only able to finish with help from a good friend. I would have probably failed if I hadn't gotten any help. I couldn't engage with anything I was doing and each day consisted of me playing video games and being in front of a PC all the time, I didn't care about anything, I still don't. I think that might be a form of depression. It also killed me when, a few months back, I learned that this girl I liked was with another guy and when she didn't reply to my phone call and messages when I finally found the courage to ask her out. That really messed me up, so I think thats also part of the depression.

I have been thinking seeing a psychiatrist or a ocd specialist because this apathy or calmness is disturbing me. But something in my mind says, why do you bother? It's like I don't even care, I don't know why.

Will check it out. Thanks for replying to this, I really appreciate it, it has offered me some peace.
1699033 tn?1514113133
You don't care because you are depressed.  So don't adopt the "don't bother" attitude.  They can help you through this and help you get your life back.  You are worth it.  So next time you post on here, I hope it is to say that you have contacted someone and made an appointment.  Take care.  
Avatar universal
Hey I just wanted to ask one more question. I don't want to be too graphic about it but I really want to hear someone else's opinion. When I watch straight porn, while I'm in the act just right before I'm done most of the time I get all these intrusive and disgusting images of gay related things and I stop. I try to give it some time but it happens again, the thing that worries me is that even though I react to these thoughts instinctively I don't feel any anxiety anymore and it worries me. This has been happening for quite a while now and I don't know what to do. I hope this isn't proof that I've accepted being gay and just don't care anymore even though I feel like I don't care about it. This calmness doesn't even bother me, I don't know what to do.
1699033 tn?1514113133
Sometimes we get so tired of fighting the thoughts (which remember we are not supposed to do becuase they stay around) that we become depressed.  We lose our ability to care anymore what happens to us.  So this is where the psychologist really comes in.  You are tired of this.  You have had enough.  

Did you read my "Anatomy of a Horrific Thought" post?  Because watching porn is a test for you right now and honestly you shouldn't be doing any tests.  Put the porn away for the time being.  Don't do anything that is going to lead you down the road to "what-if" or make you over analyze stuff.  Give yourself a break and make that psychology appointment.  Hell, try not to masturbate for a while if you can.  These are things you will be able to get back to in time but first you need to "fix" the OCD irrational thinking.  
Avatar universal
I hope thats what's really going on. I raid it yeah. I'm just worried that I'm the only one whos had this kind of apathy and I start to fear that maybe it's not ocd. Because I'm supporting myself at the moment, I have to wait untill I can spare some money. I'm still don't want to do this. Part of it of course is the apathy I think and part of it because I'm afraid of what the phycologist will say after I describe my problem. I know I do have a problem but I'm being paranoid about it not really being a problem and just denial.
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