Get ready for a ride... so im 13 and a female...
First some back up information: when i was 9-10 i was mortified i would turn into yes a zombie i would be like i need to be nice to this person since ill eat them. then i told me mom and she told me that happened to her but with vampires. Also earlier this year u was so scared i would turn crazy and try to kill my family or myself.
So when i was say 10 i was hangin out with my cousin and the thought popped into my head "do i want to kiss her" I started to freak out and i asked my dad if being lesbian was bad and he said no but i was freaked out! I looked back on childhood expirences and i kissed my cousin (also a girl) when i was little and we used to,,don't judge me... touch our tounges together and freak out when i was like 6. It didnt' bother me for awhile but it would always be in the back of my mind. Last year i had a HUGE crush on this one boy who was my "dream guy" as much as a 12 year old could get and my heart would race when i saw him. Then he shattered my heart and from then on my life spiraled down. In the summer my mind would only think. "do i like girls? no i do't like girls i like boy i like guys." i would try to avoid looking at girls and my mind would tell me i had to check them out so i looked at girls... i cried everyday and i couldn't tell ANYONE. Soon i started to obsess with saying "i don't like girls, ilike boys and i like guys." then my mind would turn that aroud saying "i like girls i don't like guys" i can't stand it.
Sometimes i my body tells me to say the word gay or anything that begins with G or V for vagina, okay o have also googled so amny things like "am i gay" tests and... yes porn. I saw that watching porn would help but its made it worse. I saw lesbian porn and i got scared and i can't tell if i like it or not and if i cant tell if i want to kiss that girl or not, im always checking for responses and ugh i hate it. I had this crush on this guy earlier in the year and he would always hold my hand and put his arm around me and i loved it but then when he asked for me to be his girlfriend idk i freaked out and i didn't want it. I find girls more physically appealing but theni guess i "used" to be emotionally be attracted to guy but (what i hope) is HOCD has like changed it and it feels like i don't like guys anymore..
Im so sorry this is so long if you managed to read through it please help i can't deal with this anymore i need help
(also i told my dad i think i had OCD and he's a doctor and he said he doesn't think i have it and he said loads of people have intrusive thoughts but i couldn't tell him they were gay intrusive thoughts and this made it so much worse)