Intrusive thought causing issues for me

[NicoletteCB]

I have this one intrusive thought that won't leave me alone and it's been about a year I've been dealing with it. It's kind of nsfw and I don't want to offend anyone honestly I'm not trying to at all I just want to live my life and not give anymore time to this.

My OCD theme is a sexual orientation theme I am a lesbian, I don't want to be straight or bi. This entire obsession actually begun last year, this part is a bit nsfw but I'll try to keep it as clean as possible. I used to be somewhat a porn and masturbation addict, I had to do it once a day to feel good. Looking back it's obviously excessive but it didn't destroy my life or anything so anyway I used to masturbate daily using a brush handle, it was obviously penetrative and that's how I used to orgasm the quickest and most powerful way for me. I remember one night I went to the bathroom to do it and when I used to do it I used to always fantasize that the brush handle was a woman wearing a strapon. So that night before or during masturbating I got this thought, " What if you'd prefer if the brush/strapon was a penis?" And it made me anxious but I tried to continue onwards like usual except I didn't orgasm at all for the first time in my life. Nothing.

This obviously freaked me out so badly I kept trying to masturbate like usual and I felt nothing, at one point it was so painful and I started masturbating as a compulsion to test myself and then I cut it off for almost half a year. It has still been practically a year since I've had an orgasm. I've been to a doctor thinking it was a physical issue but she said she didn't see anything wrong so now I'm thinking the issue is more a mental one.

For me this is just really upsetting because part of me expressing my sexuality was being able to masturbate to my fantasies and orgasm and now every  time I attempt to do it like I used to I get so anxious and worked up with the intrusive thoughts about penises I just can't pull through at all like something is wrong with me. I get thoughts also saying I'm not really turned on or don't like my fantasies or whatever.

It's so confusing to try and figure out what is going on mentally when I attempt to do it because it feels like I'm torn between trying to do it physically, attempting to fantasize, and then the intrusive thoughts pouring in on me. I keep obsessing over one difference between strapons and penises being that i'm worried I can't enjoy strapons anymore because my partner is not really physically in me. I told my therapist before and she said it's different because one is attached to a woman and penises are attached to men and so I'm attracted only to woman so I should focus on who's giving me the pleasure versus what's in me. But I still get highly anxious and I get these thoughts when I masturbate telling me I don't like it and I just can't deal with it.


It's horrible because now I want to try to masturbate again like I used to and I want to get back what I lost but I get so worked up over the intrusive thoughts when I get them I feel wrong suddenly and I can't focus on what I'm doing and it just all falls apart and I can't do it. I feel like when I'm fantasizing and not masturbating I can get worked up and turned on and have pleasurable feelings like I used to but when I begin masturbating it just gets ruined by my obsession and the thoughts about penises. I don't know what to do really.

[bringmejoy]

This is sounding like HOCD but Heterosexual OCD which means a fear of being straight. I would say speak to an OCD specialist or read some self help books about it. Try not to masturbate while these thoughts are still occurring because you're just going to make it harder on yourself as it will be easier for the ocd to take control and forcing yourself not to think something really won't work. Embrace the uncertainty of it, it feels wrong but will reduce the fear.

[Elizabeth1234567890]

Hi, I know exactly how you're feeling! There is this thing called HOCD where you think your gay,bi or for some the opposite when you really aren't at all!
I used to ( and still do sometimes) get a thought that I'm lesbian or bi. It would stress me out so much that I would cry! Don't be so hard on yourself! Its all going to be OK. Also you can think other things if you want to :) I know it seems hard to get this thought out of your head but believe me, its very possible! And you are the only one that truly knows who you want to be with or who you're attracted to! I could go on all day about this but you would be reading for like an hour lol