I have been having a number of issues with anxiety in the past few months. After struggling with substance abuse, depression, anxiety and bipolar I have been in a pretty good place for the last 2 years, but I am struggling with memories of events where I put myself in risk of death when I was struggling with mental health issues. For instance, once I raced my car on a two lane road and went up to 120 mph before passing the other car. He slowed down and I passed but shortly after the road narrowed to two lanes. What if he had not slowed and I was unable to brake and went off the road and died? This was the only time I ever drove dangerously and it was out of character for me but I was in early recovery and craving a thrill. This was 3 years ago. I now think, "well i could have died, why didn't I?" and now I have feelings that my life is invalidated in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy my success because of these memories. I ruminate over these memories causing feelings of extreme anxiety.
Similar memories include getting blackout drunk and falling or fighting or just doing risky things. Also, meeting up with people I met online could have been a set up where I was murdered. Also, I had a bad habit of walking around in the ghetto at night drinking and looking for trouble even though I am from a wealthy suburban family. I would never repeat any of these mistakes. I was in a very bad place and I have moved on. These behaviors took place between 2-10 years ago, and I am now in a very good place and would never consider doing things like this. I am in my twenties and I feel like now my brain has gone through the shift into adult reasoning. I am doing well, I have graduated college and am successfully working in my career. I am just having real trouble coming to terms with the things I have done that could have killed me or dramatically altered my course but didn't. Any advice on dealing with these feelings is greatly appreciated.