I've had OCD for as long as I can remember, with my earliest memories as a child being of my torment of the disorder. I am in my early twenties now. I am constantly bombarded by negative thoughts and emotions, and thus having to do stupid, repetitive things that are mentally and physically exhausting and distressing, just to "ward off" the bad things that might happen to me. I have extremely low self esteem, and I am constantly in a state of self doubt, and feel like a failure at life. I have to do things and say things to myself thousands of times a day to get rid of my anxiety and assure myself that I am not a failure, but now these compulsions are not working as well as they used to. I perform them, but the anxiety and thoughts are still there, leaving my in distress, frustrated and in a state of almost panic. It gets to a point every few days where I have a bit of an 'episode', where my day is so bad because of my OCD, that I just can't do anything other than sit in my misery and anxiety, and cry. I used to look forward to going to sleep, because I'd at least get a break for a few hours from my OCD, but now that's not working anymore. My OCD torments me in my dreams now, and even when I'm asleep, I still feel the same negative emotions I do when I am awake. I always liked being unconscious because I have some temporary escape from my conscious self, but now that's not even working any more. What I'm asking now is, whilst in the midst of an OCD meltdown, what can I do to make the thoughts and emotions go away? I am so exhausted and at my whit's end with everything. I have been trying to get professional, medical help, but it has all been going extremely slowly, and it has come to a stand still. Basically my doctor said that I need CBT and medication, but because psychiatrists are so expensive, and there are hardly any of them anywhere near me, I won't be able to be seen by one. The doctor said even if I were suicidal, it would be very difficult for me to be seen by a psychiatrist. So I decided that paying for private treatment myself would be a better option, but ALL the psychiatrists I have contacted have said that they don't take private patients, they only take referrals from a doctor (on the NHS). So I am stuck in a rut. My doctor can't refer me to a psychiatrist, (because in her own words, they are too expensive, too scarce and you aren't suicidal enough), and I can't see one privately because they don't accept private patients. I just want to get better, and this can only happen with CBT and medication, but nobody will give it to me. I have seen several doctors so many times now, and nobody is putting me in the right direction.