Aa
still scared i might've sexually abused sibling (tw)
Um, hi...I posted here before a few months ago but I can't stop thinking about it no matter how hard I have tried, and I think I might have really done something bad and I can't breathe I can't let myself speak with my friends or accept hugs from my family or do things I used to enjoy because I know I don't deserve it and I don't know what to do. I can't remember exactly what I did and it keeps changing in my memory and what I used to be sure of I'm not sure of anymore and I just don't know...I don't know anything, anymore...and everybody told me it wasn't wrong but I think I subtly twist my words into ways of making people, even me, think I did less bad than I actually did?
I was laying on my sister cuddling with her when I was eighteen, I think so, and I started getting a groinal response and I tried to sit with it and just ignore it because I'd read that you were supposed to, I think? But I couldn't stand it anymore because it made me feel so uncomfortable, so I started to pull away, but I was kind-of sliding down off of her (we were on the bed and I was sliding to the floor I guess to be silly maybe...) and as I did my groin was lined-up with her leg and the sliding motion felt good and I just let it feel good? Like I just like let myself enjoy it. And I'm not sure but I think I might've even leaned into it, like pressed into it a little? I'm pretty sure...
And I can't remember if I started to think how wrong it was and pulled away? Or if I just naturally finished sliding to the floor and THEN started thinking about how awful it was...
But like I can't remember how aware of all this I was. I think MAYBE it could be excuseable if I wasn't thinking about it like ifv I didn't realize it was wrong or something like this and I'm not sure how aware of the badness of it I was. Like did I know it was wrong and I just did it anyways? Or was I just not thinking? And I can't remember,I can't remember, I can't remember...and I've tried so hard but I can't remember...
This all only lasted a few seconds and I am fairly certain I wasn't thinking of it as sex or anything it was just kind-of like when you sit in a chair at a certain angle and it feels good, like that, I think, like I think I thought because it was all going on internally and I wasn't purposefully engaging myself or something that it was just like masturbation? But I don't know. I don't know how aware I was. Because some of my memories have me just thinking like that and some have me knowing it was wrong and doing it anyways?
And those thoughts make me feel so sick like what if I truly understood what I was doing and did it anyways...
Then I think I remember being kind-of dazed and like wondering how bad what I'd just did was? After the touch ended. And I still had like a tingling in my groin and usually when I do I just kind-of like squeeze my thighs together and I thought I shouldn't right now because that would be the worst thing, that would be so wrong but I did. (But I'm pretty certain my groin wasn't touching her anymore and I have two memories mostly, like either mostly just my upper body was touching her still? Or I was completely on the floor and like just leaning up against the bed and I squeezed my thighs then without touching her at all. But I'm not sure which one is true.) And like I think because I don't want to have done something like that I must be trying to convince myself that what I did wasn't actually that bad. And like remember it in different ways and word it differently to make it seem less bad. I've been thinking about only this for six months so everything feels so mixed-up and I don't know what's real or how bad what I did was I'm so sorry, I know I should know better but can you please tell me...I'm sorry...
My only comforts are that it all only lasted like a few seconds I think and I didn't hurt anybody. Nobody got hurt because she didn't even know it was happening. And I wasn't trying to hurt her either.
I don't even know if this is OCD. Like is it all just rightful guilt and remorse? I'm so sorry if I put this in the wrong category. I'm so sorry...
Please, how bad was what I did? Is there any way I can remember it all more clearly? I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, oh God...
I was laying on my sister cuddling with her when I was eighteen, I think so, and I started getting a groinal response and I tried to sit with it and just ignore it because I'd read that you were supposed to, I think? But I couldn't stand it anymore because it made me feel so uncomfortable, so I started to pull away, but I was kind-of sliding down off of her (we were on the bed and I was sliding to the floor I guess to be silly maybe...) and as I did my groin was lined-up with her leg and the sliding motion felt good and I just let it feel good? Like I just like let myself enjoy it. And I'm not sure but I think I might've even leaned into it, like pressed into it a little? I'm pretty sure...
And I can't remember if I started to think how wrong it was and pulled away? Or if I just naturally finished sliding to the floor and THEN started thinking about how awful it was...
But like I can't remember how aware of all this I was. I think MAYBE it could be excuseable if I wasn't thinking about it like ifv I didn't realize it was wrong or something like this and I'm not sure how aware of the badness of it I was. Like did I know it was wrong and I just did it anyways? Or was I just not thinking? And I can't remember,I can't remember, I can't remember...and I've tried so hard but I can't remember...
This all only lasted a few seconds and I am fairly certain I wasn't thinking of it as sex or anything it was just kind-of like when you sit in a chair at a certain angle and it feels good, like that, I think, like I think I thought because it was all going on internally and I wasn't purposefully engaging myself or something that it was just like masturbation? But I don't know. I don't know how aware I was. Because some of my memories have me just thinking like that and some have me knowing it was wrong and doing it anyways?
And those thoughts make me feel so sick like what if I truly understood what I was doing and did it anyways...
Then I think I remember being kind-of dazed and like wondering how bad what I'd just did was? After the touch ended. And I still had like a tingling in my groin and usually when I do I just kind-of like squeeze my thighs together and I thought I shouldn't right now because that would be the worst thing, that would be so wrong but I did. (But I'm pretty certain my groin wasn't touching her anymore and I have two memories mostly, like either mostly just my upper body was touching her still? Or I was completely on the floor and like just leaning up against the bed and I squeezed my thighs then without touching her at all. But I'm not sure which one is true.) And like I think because I don't want to have done something like that I must be trying to convince myself that what I did wasn't actually that bad. And like remember it in different ways and word it differently to make it seem less bad. I've been thinking about only this for six months so everything feels so mixed-up and I don't know what's real or how bad what I did was I'm so sorry, I know I should know better but can you please tell me...I'm sorry...
My only comforts are that it all only lasted like a few seconds I think and I didn't hurt anybody. Nobody got hurt because she didn't even know it was happening. And I wasn't trying to hurt her either.
I don't even know if this is OCD. Like is it all just rightful guilt and remorse? I'm so sorry if I put this in the wrong category. I'm so sorry...
Please, how bad was what I did? Is there any way I can remember it all more clearly? I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, oh God...
i'm so sorry i keep posting but pleasepleaseplease can anybody help me, i don't know what to think, i need to know how bad was what i did it's been six months and i can't bear this i think i did something really wrong didn't i?...please, how bad was it? if there's anybody that can help me please tell me...i'm sorry...i'm sorry...
nono she has no idea this happened it wasn't something that was visible/etc. there was no way to tell that i was having feelings from the action. like basically we were cuddling and i went to slide away from her because i felt uncomfortable and as i pulled away it caused stimulation and i let myself linger there and enjoy the feeling for quite a few seconds (and maybe even leaned into it? but i'm not sure) instead of pulling away quickly.
i don't know if i let myself enjoy the feeling of arousal+stimulation because i just wasn't thinking and didn't realize how wrong it was or if i knew it was wrong and just didn't care?? and it's killing me...
the only thing that makes me feel remotely okay at all is that she didn't get hurt, and she has no idea that happened at all with her, so she couldn't have been hurt by it.
i'm sorry if this is very confusing...thank you for replying...
i don't know if i let myself enjoy the feeling of arousal+stimulation because i just wasn't thinking and didn't realize how wrong it was or if i knew it was wrong and just didn't care?? and it's killing me...
the only thing that makes me feel remotely okay at all is that she didn't get hurt, and she has no idea that happened at all with her, so she couldn't have been hurt by it.
i'm sorry if this is very confusing...thank you for replying...
Why is it that you think you didn't something unforgiving and wrong? has your sister brought anything up? I'm sorry I just want to get a better understandinh.
i'm so sorry but please can somebody help me if it's possible at all i just need to know i'm so scared that i knew what i was doing and did it anyways i can't remember it's completely unclear and it's killing me and i don't even know if it was forgiveable or not even if it was completely an accident like how bad was what i did? i don't know what to think i'm so sorry, if you can can you please help me, i'm sorry...
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