HOCD or just gay/bi?

[nick_eu]

Hi there,
I have an issue with the estimation of my sexual identity, due to the fact that i watch gay porn and get turned on by it.
The point is, that I feel that I could never act this way, I can not even imagine my self having a relationship or a sexual intercourse with an other man plus that I always wantes to have a complete relationship with a girl. I feel butterflies in my stomach when I am attracted to a girl. I also when I like a girl on the street it makes me smile and I think ''how the hell do you think you could be gay? Thats it! This is what you want to do!'' Also, when i finish musturbating to gay porn, i feel foolish and wonder '' Why did you watch this'' I mean that I do not understand what makes me want to see this stuff when i finish and i do not feel any desire to do what I see, in reality. In fact I dont feel that I could do what I see, even while I am watching it and I am turned on. Sometimes when I look at a man i am trying to understand if I like him or not and then I imagine my self doing something sexual with this man but I can not even imagine my self doing something. BUT when I imagine him with an other man..i am turned on. I mean that when i imagine two other men having sex, it may be arousing but imagining MYSELF with an other man is discasting and i even can not picture it at all in my mind. Sometimes i compare my reactions to straight and gay porn and gay porn...wins. But even if i am not always aroused while watching straight porn..I feel that this is what i want do!
These happen since puberty so I was always feared of being gay. That resulted to have my first sexual acts with a girl in the age of 23 (i am 24 now). I had some difficulties sometimes becouse I wanted to test my self if I like it or not, so that I could understand if iam gay or not.. But when i was not stressed, and when I was sure about my sexual identity(that i am straight) i was enjoying it very very much!
I am thinking that I may be aroused by gay fantasies and porn becouse of these reasons: 1) the idea of a man being in a passive sexual role may be exotic for me
                                                                                                                                  2) the idea that a man loses his ''musculinity''
                                                                                                                                  3) the fact that i am a man and i can feel what the men I watch are feeling
                                                                                                                                  4) that i am aroused through an other man's arousal.

Anyway, when i finish musturbating to what I, second munites ago was finding arousal, i really feel crazy and i think '' why do you see this?? its not what you desire to do and you dont even like it''

So what do you think? Is it just a habit? Just a fetish? Does it follow the nature of HOCD? Or am I just gay or bisexual??
( excuse me for the bad english but I am not american)

[JGF25]

It is very common for people with OCD to take what they see and hear and place it directly on themselves which seems to be what you have done with things you learned in class.  And "What-ifing" well that is a classic OCD symptom.  If I told you all the stupid irrational things I have thought, I'd be on here forever.  Take care.  

[nick_eu]

Thank you very very much for your quick reply.
I have done this test you mentioned and I always find me self straight. The point is that in generaly consider my self completely straight, but there are many times that my mind can not stp thinking about all this I mentioned above. I'm also sometimes traped in the ''what if'' stuff.
The funny is that I am a Psychology student, and when we had psychopathology classes my fear expanded to mental diseases like peadophilia, psychopathy, i was fearing that i am a sadist ori that I like to harm people.. So I think that I have obsessions in general. And the biggest fear, that of homosexuality, is the most strong and returns over and over. I realy do not have something against gay people, I am not homophobic at all. I also know that I am an openminded person and I would never hide my true identity just to achieve social conformity. I believe that i would admit it if I realy was gay or bi.. But is it HOCD? Or am I really discovering my true identity? I one tried to say that : ''What ever you think, what ever you feel, you should accept that you are gay or bisexual'' So for a week I was living saying to my self that I am gay.. But it didnt work.. I was feeling sad.
The truth is that I discovered about HOCD on the internet, about 9 months ago. Till then i was putting my problem in the sexual identity field. But when I saw that there are straight men with same symptoms to me my eyes started to open. I felt like OH MY GOD ITS A DISEASE!! I almost felt happy that I was under hocd.. :P
But then i get worried, if it truly is OCD and no just me being gay..
Anyway I really thank you very much for your reply.
Realy :)

[JGF25]

I'm not a doctor so I cannot diagnose you here on MedHelp.  I will tell you that for a lot of OCD thoughts one type of "exposure" therapy is to go into a dark room, close your eyes and picture yourself doing what you are thinking about, irrationally thinking about.  I had to do this myself and what I found was that I would never do those things I was afraid I would do.  I think that you are doing the same thing to a point.  You watch gay porn, yes you get turned on by it, but you also get turned off when you think of yourself in that same situation.  

Think about porn in general.  Unless you purposefully buy gay porn you will never see guy-on-guy in regular porn but there is always girl-on-girl.  So if a girl watches regular porn and is turned on in general even during those girl-on-girl parts, that doesn't make her a lesbian.  Do you see where I'm going?  Porn is porn and I think that there is a heightened sexual state no matter what type you are watching.  The points you made above a valid I think.  

Now what to do about this dilemma you find yourself in.  I think that it has come to the point where you could benefit from some outside help in the form of therapy.  It is obviously intruding on your day-to-day life.  Talking to a Psychologist about this will help a lot.  And you don't have to be embarassed to talk to them about this because trust me, they have heard it all before and you could not possibly surprise them with anything you had to say.  

If a psychologist is not available to you, then try not to put too much stock in this.  When you have that negative thought, replace it with a positive one, i.e, you want to be with girls and they are the biggest turn on for you or I'm not into being with a guy but just girls.  I think if you keep trying to analyze it without benefit of the psychologist's help, you will end up in this viscious cycle of am I gay or not.  Personally, in my non-medical opinion, I would say that you are straight.  In addition, most people realize they are gay at a very young age, way back in elementary school.  

Take care and post again if you have any more questions or problems.