Hello! I am a teenager and dealing with, what I hope is, HOCD. I have never been diagnosed with pure OCD or anything, but I have generalized anxiety. As a young child, I could be quite obsessive about fires, choking, robberies in my house, and intruders. I also had to say goodnight to my mum until I didn't think any thoughts after or if someone talked to me after I said good night, I would have to say it again. I still do that today and I have to check the thermostat before I go to bed or I can't sleep at all. So that was just a bit of history. So here is my story.
I would like to start off by telling you that I am not against the LGBT community at all and I hope not to offend you! That's is not my intention of this post.
Alright, so when I was about 12 or 13, I can't remember, I went through a experimenting phase on the internet. This is included role play with other girls or watching videos of them kissing. This isn't my proudest moment, and I regret the decision I made. I don't know why I did this, but I feel like it proves I'm bisexual or gay. I would never do this again, but my mind tells me I want to. Do I want to? I'm not even sure anymore.
Anyway, after that I had intrusive thoughts about the possibility of being gay. I thought about it 24/7 and I went into a state of depression. I spent a lot of time in my bed, feeling horrible about myself. I would just keep telling myself that I like boys and this isn't true and could be a phase. I added this because maybe that means I am in denial? I stopped wearing flannels and anything else that could make me appear gay. My attraction to boys faded away and I felt bad about myself all the time. Half way through that year I met a boy I really like. Over that summer we texted a lot and I forgot all about this. That school year after the summer we started dating. He was my first boyfriend and I was nervous and shy and not quite ready for a boyfriend, but I said yes. During the whole time my mind kept saying, "you are living a lie. You're lying to him and yourself. You need to break it off". Eventually I did. I lost my best friend because of this. Anyway, I had mostly the same obsessions and symptoms that year, but still finding myself to love that boy. I still do to this day. Anyway, I started to feel convinced I was bisexual again. My mind told me that i wanted to be with a girl both romantically and physically. It used to be just physically until I read online that HOCD sufferers don't worry about romantic relationships and now I do, of course. This year I made the dreadful mistake of looking up what people felt like when they were in denial and I went numb. I am still numb. I feel nothing with my intrusive thoughts. Just horrible because I feel like I've accepted this. Maybe deep down I know I'm straight but it's so covered that I don't know. I feel like I want to be with a girl and that I want to be bisexual and that I should come out. I always feel the need to tell my mom everything and I just and so anxious.
I make sure my voice is high enough because I don't want to "sound gay". When my friends talk about boys I have nothing to add because my attraction is gone which makes me wonder if I am really gay in denial. I guess that maybe I should just accept this and move on. I can't spend 10 minutes without feeling the urge to Google and Google this condition and I'm desperate for answers. I'm not doing well in school because of this and I can't afford to fail.i always and checking to see if I am attracted to girls or if I'm disgusted enough by the same sex relationships. I also check if it appropriately attracted to guys. I feel that if I think a girl is pretty I like her and want to date her. I have had both gay and straight dreams. When I wake up from the gay ones I feel ashamed and horrible and that it's definite I'm gay. When I woke up from the straight dream I feel content. But them I think, "wait maybe it was really a girl in that dream not a boy." All this is worse from 6am-11am. However it's really just all bad. I am sorry if this was too long. I have had a lot to write. Please, if you could, help me. I get no relief anymore. I know you can't diagnose me but does anyone have similar stories. Thank you so much for reading it means a great deal to me.