Hi there. You have only to look on the forum to know that HOCD is very, very common more so with guys than with girls. You obviously have OCD but I wonder, have you ever been formally diagnosed? Do your parents how the mental hell you are going through?
All I can tell you is this. We are born the way we are born. Whether we are gay or not is in our genes. The hormones that your body releases in response to you seeing a pretty girl are hormones that are released without you even realizing it.
I know gay people and trust me when I say that there is no am or or am I not. They know they are gay and they accept it. They don't go around fighting the thought because through and through they know who they are. You my friend are not gay. You have a history of OCD and this is just one more thought on the nightmare super highway of OCD.
If you said out loud right now "I'm gay" would you want to run out and get a boyfriend and have sex with him? I'm thinking the answer is no and if the answer is no then you cannot possibly be gay.
You need to see a psychologist to help you deal with this OCD. It isn't something that goes away on its own. There are strategies you can learn to help you overcome these thoughts. Basically you need to say "Whatever" to the thought and let it go as best you can. Don't let it take on a mind of its own. AND do not test yourself! Testing just keeping you in the OCD loop.
So please consider talking to your parents about OCD in general so that they can get you the proper help you need.
Hey man thanks alot for your feedback I really do appreciate it, ill start by saying that I have confronted my parents about my obsessions mostly about my harm theme, they never understood the torment I would go through. They would reassure me that I was a good person and that I would never hurt anybody but these thoughts made me think otherwise and would make me feel evil inside. It got bad one day and I went to see a psychologist where I talked to her about my intrusive harm thoughts she said I was obsessing about them and that they were just a "phase", and I told her about my fear of being gay she said "its ok, that many teens my age doubt their sexuality" I said ok, but the thing is I never questioned my sexuality, it was just the fear of being gay. She never diagnosed me with anything, which was a relief (at the time) because I had been obsessing that I had OCD I had looked it up before and all the symptoms were presented in me, but I guess I was in denial about having OCD because I was scared that I would be mentally sick and that I had a mental disorder and that I would end up in an mental asylum I just couldn't live with myself if I was mentally sick, but ironically thats all I hope it is now and not what I fear. Now back to my HOCD I have tried to have a whatever attitude towards the thoughts but I feel like if I don't engage in my thoughts and try to disprove them that ill turn gay, see how craazy that is? I even admitted defeat and said "ok im gay" like twice but these thoughts still plague my mind. I heard that HOCD is fake and that people only use this as an excuse not to be gay, is this true? Because it has worried far more deeply, I have been compulsively masturbating to porn and check that I am still straight(which has depleted my attraction towards women again) but at the same time still checking for attraction to the male which leads to anxiety, but I can't fight the urge to watch when my mind tells me that I am gay, I just need that reassurance that im still straight its like my drug. Again thanks for your help it is greatly appreciated.
Listen, OCD is not a death sentence. Nobody is going to cart you off to the looney bin. I have a college degree, a successful job, marriage and children and I have had OCD since I was a teenager. It is something that can be managed.
I'm not liking the psychologist you saw honestly. I don't like when they say it is just a "phase." You need to be diagnosed and you need to learn cognitive behavioral therapy. Yes it is hard for people that don't have OCD to understand what is going on, but there is plenty out there for them to read and learn.
Here are a few things I would like you to read.
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82%3Aten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0%3A&Itemid=64
www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
http://************.com/lib/listening-to-our-loved-ones-with-ocd/00016404
AND STOP TESTING! NO MORE PORN because it is just keeping you in the loop of OCD. Reassurance is fleeting. It only makes you feel good for a short time and then you are back at it again. Talk to yourself in your head...self-coach yourself.
Here are a couple of books as well
Brain Lock
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani
The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to breaking free of OCD
For the site that got blocked out just Google "Listening to our loved ones with OCD"
Awesome, thanks a bunch :)
Omg I could so relate to this...I am 21 male heterosexual and never had a doubt about my sexuality..yes I was bullied in college 2-3 years back about girls and guys who thought I was gay.i remember 2 girls and 2 guys taunting me about being gay..it did hurt me a little bit but it never created any doubt in my mind because I knew for certain that I was straight and eventually what they said never even mattered to me..
Coming to the hocd which I too hope that I have it stared about 1.5 weeks ago when I too had a horrible haircut and thought to myself that I looked gay..then on coming home my brother also teased me that I looked like a gay guy he had seen on tv which upset me..later that night I looked in the mirror and that is when the full blown thoughts first started...they were so disgusting..I began to ponder really hard..all those bullying episodes went though by brain further strengthening the ocd..I dont have anything against gay people because I hardly ever cared..but these thoughts really were disgusting. .I started to question myself what if I was gay and I didnt know it all this time..this lead to severe anxiety and I kept reassuring myself that there is no chance..but these thoughts just wont stop..I could not and still cannot concentrate on my studies because of these thoughts..I have my exams going on and I just hope I pass because these thoughts have disturbed me so much..I juat cant concentrate...I keep on crying on the inside..i just feel so depressed when these thoughts appear...the only silver lining for me in these 1.5 weeks is that these thoughts are on and off...its not like I suffer from them daily..a few days after the onset a friend of mine teased me about how glum I was looking(he thought I was tensed about my exams but I was having anxiety about my ocd) and that I would get some girl I my life...just a minute later I was all cheerful and the thoughts went away for a day..but they came back again...I have had 3 episodes of on-off hocd and when I dont have the thoughts I feel so high that I was foolishly worrying about nothing..for the last 2 days I had no thoughts again but now they have started again 2-3 hours back and again I cant concentrate on anything..what shall I do? These thoughts are draining me to the core..I sometimes just wish that it would be great if I could just kill off my subconscious mind :( :(
I was wondering if you could help me with my problem.I am 18 years old and I suffer from HOCD about 4 years now on and off.I have never once got sexually aroused the opposite sex since I have suffered from this but I recently had a dream dream and my friend was it and both of us were messing in the dream taking our penises out and he start wanking to people(by the way my friends are weird like this).when I woke up I was still half asleep and I start testing myself of the image in my dream and for the first time their was some change but I did not get a full erection,I am wondering did this happen due to groinal response?a few minutes later I started to think about the same image but more graphic this time but I didn't get an election.I then started to think about sexual images in my head with a girl and staright away I could feel a change,I am very sexually attracted to girls but I have never been sexually attracted to a boy.it would be much appreciated if you could help me thank you
I have just recently started dealing with HOCD which from my understanding is a porn addiction- related mental disorder. Its hell. Everyday you wake up and deal with your mind and a whole world of "what ifs" . Here's my question: what does the ceaseless anxiety mean? Why cant I get "it" up? For exanple, when I wake up, nothing. When I think of dirty thoughts of my girlfriend, nothing. Why does this affect arousal so badly and how can I reset it?
When you have unchecked anxiety it can lead to depression. Who can get excited about anything when you are in a constant state of anxiety? Hell I can't even eat when things are bad. So it is not surprising to me that you are having trouble getting aroused. Once you have dealt with this HOCD with a psychologist, your arousal will come back. Have you ever seen anybody for this? Learned cognitive behavioral therapy?
My story is pretty much similar.
The ohcd started about two months ago, when I have ejaculated while watching a scene with more males involved, without actually taking off my pants (sorry for the details). This happened to me for the first time, never had premature ejaculation issues before. I have always been attracted to women and never felt any sort of arousal or emotional excitement when looking/thinking about men, given that I used to be a rugby team player for over 7 years (played it before I was 18, now I am 22) and seeing a **** here and there in shower wasn't a problem and never was an object of attraction.
Since then I've been questioning my sexuality. Some of consequences - mild depression due to the almost permanent state of anxiety when I see men (especially when the groinal response comes into play, never got an actual erection) and a slight decline in my GPA. Also - I feel like I am in a state of "grayness" and I think about suicide from time to time, the latter bothers me less though.
I am in a relationship now and I still very seldom have troubles with getting an erection. Sex is less enjoyable since I started experiencing the hocd, but I still love it. Also - a drastic decline in libido - which is, I guess, a consequence of both ohcd and the induced depression.
My problem mainly relates to the groinal response. Sometimes it gets so bad that, combined with terrible anxiety, I can masturbate to anything (literally) and ejaculate within a very short period of time without actually. This fact really drives me crazy because I'm not getting an erection, I don't feel the sexual attraction, nor do want to kiss/hug/touch them, but at the same time the groinal response has such an effect. My guess is that it might be caused by anxiety, but I'm not sure whether I'm just making excuses.
I went to a psychiatrist, she said that its not ocd. Nor did she say that I'm gay in a direct manner, but rather evasively said that I might marry a dude when I'm 65. That's how it became even more confusing.