HOCD or Am I bi?

[CrazyCanadian]

I had a thought that ask me "what if you are gay/bi?" and I got really scared. I'm 13 and a guy. I always loved women since I was little. My first crush was a girl in kindergarten. I have a bit of an OCD problem since my 13th birthday. I had this "gay/bi" question before in December. After 2 weeks of obsessing over it , it went away and continued my straight life. Some days I'm like yeah im straight but some days it is like are you really sure you are attracted to girls. What scared me lately is that my brain is telling me all guys are attractive and it pisses me off. When my HOCD doesn't start I can watch a movie without my brain telling me is that person attractive and I naturally notice hot women.

What scares me the most is that people said that 13 is young and that is normally when you discover you are gay or bi. People also told me that they wasted their life stressing about this and later turned gay/bi. When I think of this my stomach drops. I get super stressed. Lately I don't get stressed because I try to ignore them. My problem is that I won't be happy just stressing all my life. I can notice when I a guy looks good but I won't want to kiss him or have sex with him. My brain tells me I do. The truth is if I had a chance to have gay sex secretly I would turn it down because I don't like sucking dicks or touching other dicks. Im scared that Im 13 and people tell me that Im young and still can turn bi/gay. People say I haven't figured out my sexuality. I know Im staight !!!! I always have been. People say that puberty shows you our real sexuality and Im scared. Please help me!!!

I defeated this horror a year ago but I don't know why it came back. Im really depressed and I dont want my vacations to be ruined. Dont tell me Just accept you're bi without a valid explanation. I have lately obsessed throught a lot of questions. Once one ends another starts. Please tell me what my sexuality is and please help me!!!!

[JGF25]

Classic  OCD symptom is going from one irrational thought to the next.  We are constantly looking for closure and even when we get it sometimes that same thought comes back.  I once told my therapist that I don't have a quiet mind.  There is an ever ongoing dialog going on up there!  This is what we do...this is how our brains are wired.  But that doesn't mean we are crazy.  It does however, mean that sometimes we think things and we need outside professional help to teach us how to help ourselves.  Work hard at getting to the doctor.  It will make a world of difference once you start on your road to learning about this disorder and how to help yourself.  Your brain is tricking you....remember I call it an obsessive mind game that we perpetrate on ourselves.  

[CrazyCanadian]

I went online and found out that I should not do what my brain tells me to do. So for example my brain wants me to confirm that I'm straight by "checking" if I'm attracted to the women. That is brain's reward. If I don't listen to my brain, then eventually it will stop asking. I tried doing it and it is kinda working. I'm afraid I won't see women the same way any more. I have the urge to keep checking it but I know it will get worse. I don't have anxiety like I use to. I am usually a calm person and never overreact about things. I'm scared in the inside but don't show it in the outside.

I just have two fears.

1. I will never see women the same way
2. I will never be attracted to them like I use to.

Without this HOCD, I dreamed about girls a lot but, now every time I try do it, HOCD kicks in again. I just want to live properly. I'm going to Phoenix in 2 weeks and don't want HOCD to ruin my experience.

[JGF25]

What you found amounts to what I wrote in my post about the Anatomy of a Horrific thought.  Once you take the fear away from the thought by giving it no credit, it goes away.  You perform checking behavior and it stays.  You may want to check out the book The OCD Workbook: YOur Guide to Breaking Free of OCD on Amazon.  You can actually look inside the book.  Also there is another one called Self-coaching by Joseph Luciani.  So when you have that urge to check you self-coach yourself "No, I'm not going there, now move on!"  You nip it right when the thoughts comes into your head...you don't let it linger.  

[CrazyCanadian]

Thank you

I am just scared that I will not like girls anymore. I feel less attracted to girls because of my HOCD. I want my attraction to be as strong as it was before.

[JGF25]

Of course you are scared.  But with the right help you will get better.  This is not going to be your life, I promise you.  But you do need to seek help either in the form of books or seeing a psychologist and/or psychiatrist if you cannot do it on your own.  I suggest the doctor.

[CrazyCanadian]

Also every time I see a guy that looks good or is dressed well I think I'm gay. I don't want to kiss them but, my brain says that I love them. Which I don't! I use to look at a guy and maybe admire them for how they look like or just not pay attention to them at all.