**Warning** It's a little long
Ok I know many of you are getting tired of this question. Especially those who are members of the LGBT community. I would just like an input. And for disclosure I have no problem with anyone being gay. So first off I'm 19 in my second year of college and never kissed a girl, had a girlfriend, and a virgin. Now lately I've been having obsessive thoughts about becoming or being gay or just in denial.
For as long as I remember I've been attracted to women. Around my middle school years I was reaching the age of puberty and acted to my hormones. It was also when I began masturbating and it would be to straight porn, lesbian porn, actresses, even very erotic music videos with females in them (I know kind of weird) Anyway even during summers away from school I would have celebrity crushes on actresses because I wouldn't go out and hang out with other people and usually stayed home and watched the summer movies. But when school came around I would go back to falling for girls. But I was always self conscious about my weight so I wouldn't even bother to ask. In high school I fell head over heels for this girl but never had the courage to ask her out. Or was it because of something else?
I never really been attracted to guys. They've always been just friends. I played all sports in high school and never caught myself checking out guys in the locker room. Lived in an all boys dorm in high school but never thought about guys romantically or sexually. But this is the past and from what I read sometimes things do change.
Now up to date I watch a little more porn than would be deemed healthy but maybe it's just cause i'm sexually frustrated, addicted, or over compensating for something? I should have you know I've been diagnosed with GAD, Depersonalization Disorder, and Hypochondria. And I've noticed a pattern of obsessions. Just a few months ago I was obsessed with having a heart attack even thought I'm in relatively good shape. Last year I thought I had cancer. In August I was afraid of becoming Schizo, or having a mental "break". Now I'm worried I might be gay and in denial (but I do not saying I think it's a disease it's not please I'm not trying to offend anyone). Because of these obsessive thoughts now I check myself every now in then when just walking on the quad thinking "do I find him attractive" or staring to see how I felt and think "You must be gay since your looking at him". I watched gay porn to test myself and found it very uncomfortable. I've thought about guys or me involved in sex with a man while masturbating but couldn't get off. Now I feel uncomfortable because I don't feel that's me and who I am. And I haven't done anything to pursue women because "I'm waiting for the right time" or "the right one". But then my mind says no you tell yourself that because you're in denial. I just don't want to be gay, because I have nothing wrong with it just seems it's going against how I feel about myself. I mean wouldn't homosexual people feel the same about worrying about being something they're not. I guess I'd like to also know the difference of being in the denial vs. HOCD or even if HOCD exists. Because of this obsession I look online for answers and only come across forums saying that HOCD is made up for people who are afraid of coming out, which causes even more anxiety. This is very frustrating and confusing for me, considering at the beginning of this semester I was crushing on a girl that went to two of my classes. But as many of you know OCD and anxiety in general is a monster. So now these feelings of doubt, and questioning feel very, very, real.
Any advice and experience is appreciated, so is constructive criticism. I've gone to my therapist but she has no experience with something like this. Thanks for reading this long post. I'm pretty sure experienced people on this forum think they're a dime a dozen.