Hocd and a female

[nushisushi]

I'm feeling really down now a days. I remember the exact moment I started obsessing about my sexuality. A friend of mine and I went to visit my hometown for the weekend (we both went to the same university). we took a bus and I remember we had to sit in different seats. She sent me a text  that said "I wish we sat together" and I remember thinking "that sounded romantic" and IMMEDIATELY I had a panic attack and started becoming afraid that I'd have to leave my boyfriend who I was madly in love with at the time. I had never thought of her in a romantic way at all but after that moment I was having intrusive thoughts that she was gonna force me to have sex with her or be in a relationship w her and it truly frightened me. I remember I kept bringing up my boyfriend to my family when we got to my hometown and started thinking "do I look like a lesbian? What if they think she's my girlfriend?" And  it freaked me out so much even though they knew I had a boyfriend. When we got back to school it just got worse. I stopped hanging out with her and as a result I stopped hanging out with our mutual friends. If I heard her voice or her name I would become extremely panicked and cry. I was crying everyday and my roommate was getting really worried about me. The friend and I also had a class together and I would purposely sit where I couldn't see her and (this will sound weird) I would make sure my feet and hands weren't pointing at her. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't even say her name and I would avoid words that contained the first letter of her name. I honestly would have rather died thend to ever be with her in a romantic or sexual way. And if a thought ever came up where I thought of her I would physically gag.

I did get over that however as my therapist had really helped me when I came home and I am on meds which help tremendously (I'm also officially diagnosed with ocd.) Some background before HOCD hit me: when I was little I was sexually abused by my step cousin, and since that day I find any intimacy (friendly, family, or romantic/sexual) to be threatening unless it is someone who I could and WANT to have any closeness to. I'm ok with my immediate family and friends (I have mostly friends who are girls). But for a while I was kinda scared of being intimate with boys (even tho I wanted to have a boyfriend and husband) because of what happened to me as a child. I was not really boy crazy, and I'm not super interested in "perfect, smoking hot" guys, but I do find their "hunkiness" and masculinity very sexy, as well as their personality. I had also often admired other girls' beauty and because of my low self esteem often find myself comparing myself to them. I never wanted to be in a relationship with a girl, I had always pictured myself with a man and fantasized about being with a mysterious man or having sex with them. When I was in high school I had started watching lesbian porn and it turned me on a lot as it was taboo and kinda crazy. And I assumed that because I was watching lesbian porn that I must be bisexual (although whenever I considered this I never really thought about BEING with a girl in a romantic, sexual way, I had just thought of porn and assumed that's what being bisexual meant.) I had even gone online and talked to girls, but after I did that I felt weird and didn't want to do anything with them aND still fantasized about haVing a boyfriend or hooking up either guys in college. I never had a crush on a girl in my life, only boys. I did have some  weird experiences as a child, as one friend of mine jumped on me and kissed me which now that I think bout it it's weird but at the time I didn't think anything of it. And  I did moon my sister and cousin when I was little, but it was more for laughs and jokes not anything sexual. And once I got my first boyfriend, I couldn't imagine EVER doing this with a girl and I remember even thinking "yeah I'm definitely straight."

I was fine after I left school and met with a therapist and took medication, and I had no doubt in my mind that I loved and wanter to be with my boyfriend (and even looked at male "eye candy" once in a while). However, this summer my boyfriend broke up with me and of course I was heartbroken. After I healed, I became very excited to go away to school and meet a new guy or even flirt with some guys in the meantime. But then when I went onto Facebook one day I saw a friend from high school come out as gay and that she had a girlfriend. I was very happy for her and have nothing against people who prefer the same sex or both. However, I remembered that she used to tell me about guys she's dated and how she was so excited to be with them. And that got me thinking... could I be like her???? That thought scared me of course and I fell right back into obsessing once again. I did question my sexuality at one point, does that mean I'm gay or bi? BUT thinking that scares me and makes me grossed out. I don't want to be a girl! And now everytime I see a person of the same sex, whether it be out in public or online I immediately get nervous and anxious and my mind says "you think she's pretty you want her" and it honestly makes me so sad. I look at guys and I can imagine myself with them but then my mind says "you want to be with girls" and I get so scared and I hate it. I don't want to be gay, that's not who I am! I want to have and boyfriend and get married to a man and have children with a man but I'm afraid it won't happen now. I don't want to be with a girl but what if something happens at college and I can't control myself and something happens? I had obsessed about many things: being pregnant, pocd, harming kids, harming animals and those were all horrible, but HOCD is definitely an obsession that I'm having the most trouble with. I'M scared that it's not even ocd and that I'm just denying it even though my doctor even said it's ocd. And my therapist moved to a different practice so now I don't have one at the moment. Can anyone relate to this? Sorry this is probably pretty long!

[JGF25]

Hi there....This is the thing about genetics....we cannot wake up one day and MAKE our bodies feel something that isn't there.  Think about this for a minute okay.  When you see a good looking guy, does your body just react without any thought (maybe not now because OCD is messing you up) but before all this started?  That is a reaction that happens naturally without thought.  Kind of like breathing.  Now when you see a girl, other than these intrusive thoughts, have you ever had your body react the same way?  I notice girls all the time but it is just in a comparison way.  Good looking guys, my body notices them even though I'm married :)  Keep up with your therapy.  Sometimes the medication needs to be adjusted up a bit when you have break through anxiety.  Also, it is a good idea to go through cognitive behavioral therapy.  Does your therapist teach this?