HOCD?

[canadian_girl]

Hi there, I'm an 18 year old female and I have been experiencing some of the symptoms that seem to be similar to "HOCD". About a year ago, I discovered porn. I viewed straight porn first experienced little arousal and then I stumbled upon lesbian porn and experienced enough arousal to climax. At this point, I didn't really wonder whether I was a lesbian or not, I just recognized the porn as something separate from my real life where I wanted to have sex with men and relationships with men. I have had 3 relationships with men, 2 of which I have felt extremely intense feelings for the men emotionally and sexually. I have been in a relationship with a man since May of this year. I can confidently say I was completely in love with him. I had my future planned around him and was ready to commit to him for a long time. Then, two months ago I was thinking about how aroused I get by lesbian porn and lesbian thoughts and how much little I get aroused by straight porn and straight thoughts and automatically questioned, "Am I a lesbian?". Right after this, this is all I have been able to think about for almost 2 months. The feelings for my boyfriend have dropped almost completely and I do not have nearly as much desire to have sex with a man as I used to. I've pictured being with a man vs. being with a woman and I can really only see myself ever being in a committed relationship with a man. I have never been attracted to women in reality, but I now find me asking myself, "Do you find her attractive?", "Do you have the desire to get to know her?". I've been a confused wreck and it's been taking over my life. There are many days where I completely come to the conclusion that I'm straight, but then I find myself going "What if you become a lesbian in the future?" or, "What if you marry a man but then become a lesbian while you're married?". Also, after I just hangout with my girl friends, I always think "you're definitely not a lesbian", but then the next day these compulsive thoughts fill my head again! Lastly, I have not ended the relationship with my boyfriend. When I was happy with him, I was extremely happy. I'm just so afraid that this is a phase and that when the OCD vanishes, I'll miss him and regret breaking up with him. Anyways, I would appreciate any kind of advice or input as to what I should do next or as to what I am experiencing. Thanks!

[nushisushi]

Hi there, fellow female here who also has HOCD and had watched lesbian porn in the past. I had started watching lesbian porn during high school and at the time I thought "well, if I'm watching this and I can climax to this then I must be bisexual." But I had never actually thought about BEING with a girl and I had only ever thought about being with men and only had crushes on guys. I had researched this topic a lot and found that quite a bit of straight girls get turned on by lesbian porn because it's a "taboo" for people who are straight. People (people w/ or w/o OCD) can get turned on by anything sexual despite their sexuality. The fact of the matter is that sexual things are pleasurable to anyone, no matter what that sexual thing may be. I would advise to stop watching lesbian porn (or just porn in general) because it really messes with your logic irl. When I see a person of the same sex and think that person is pretty, I get confused because I remember what I see in lesbian porn and that conflicts with my attraction to men because of my sexuality  (heterosexual). I know it's easier said then to realize, as I still have hocd problems and obsessions, but I have gotten help from doctors and therapists and other forums and articles and it's classic hocd, and just because lesbian porn is arousing DOES NOT make you a lesbian! You just seem to be suffering from OCD, as a lot of us are. I hope this helps, and good luck!

[canadian_girl]

Scratch my correction! Haha

[canadian_girl]

Committed relationship with a woman*