Is this HOCD or am I in denial?

[abaker51]

I am a 19 year old girl and I was wondering if what I have been experiencing for the last four months is really HOCD or something else.  I have always worried about various things my whole life (Dying, getting cancer, worring my friends don't actually like me), but this is the one thing that made me panic the most.  I have never been homophobic, actually one of my suitemates this year is a lesbian and I feel that might be part of the problem. I have always had crushes on boys, fantasies about marrying boys and was aroused by the thought of having sex with boys, but now I am questioning how I felt before. I have told both my parents about this as well as my psychologist and they all have told me that they have seen no signs that I might be a lesbian or even bi, but I understand that I am the only one that can know that.

The first time I can remember questioning my sexuality it came to me as a thought as I was just about to go to sleep and I was easily able to write it off, saying it was ridiculous but then it kept bothering me more and more to the point of complete panic.  I started taking quizzes on the internet to see if I was straight and they would all come out straight, and though it caused a temporary sensation of relief, it eventually backfired, causing me to test the very things it asked every time I saw woman that I feared I could be attracted to. Then I researched HOCD, and it too has caused me great relief, but now I am even questioning whether I have this or not.  I am really scared, and all I want to do is lay down and sleep, I have been coming home from college every night instead of staying in my dorm, it is really starting to get in the way of my life and I feel like I just don't know anything anymore. As soon as the anxiety comes on, I usually run through all my reasons I have complied that I am straight and then if that doesn't work, I sit on the internet and research things until I can calm down. I feel like I can't even see myself with a man anymore even though four months ago that would have been an easy fantasy to think about.  I can see myself with a woman but that causes so much fear and anxiety.  I am just so afraid that this might not be HOCD and I am not sure what to think about anything anymore.

[arunjayakumar]

Do not worry i m going thro same problem things have become suicidal for me but praying and life is changing i can be a good fren if u wanna talk any time mail me my mail id: ***@**** god is der n der is nothin beyond tat power

[Mb14]

The checking stuff on the internet is actually a compulsion that you do to make yourself feel better. Next time this happens, brush it off and say whatever and relax. You don't have to convince yourself of anything. Its just a thought. So when the thought comes in, pay it no attention and let it go right out. After awhile this will subside.

[JGF25]

You have a lot of things that indicate it is HOCD...first and foremost you have your psychologist telling you so and secondly, you are a worrier to begin with so it makes perfect sense that something else has come up for you to worry about.  That is what we do, we go from one thing to the next.  And all that internet searching is bad, bad, and double bad.  It just feeds into the irrational thinking.  The best thing to do is say "whatever" when the thought comes up.  The more you give into the thinking the more it is going to stay around.  You like boys and that is the end of it.  Don't let your mind rule you but rather rule your mind.  Keep seeing the psychologist but stop testing yourself...no more quizzes, no more "checking."  Stop yourself from going there anyway you can.  

When you are anxious do this breathing technique:

Deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, and then all out through your mouth.  You can do this in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it.  You will see that it helps bring your heart rate back down so that you can think more rationally.  You are not a lesbian.  If you actually asked your roommate, she would probably tell you that she knew from very early on in life.  

Take care.