Aa
Please help ...I don't know wthat to think...
Here's the story...
Couple days ago, i was shuffling porn on the internet. I used to do that alot. I was looking for "**'s", and suddenly, a gay intercourse photo pops up before my eyes. Ofc, my first response was wtf, but then i realized that i kinda hesitated to turn it of for a split-second, and the image got stuck in my head. I've managed to masturbate imagining women, but it made me worried. You see, I have no problem being aroused by women, I gladly think about that. But, there are other issues. I had a gay thought, just a thought before, and i succsesfully repressed it. It considered my best friend. The other day, I was looking at his wrist, and i felt this strange feeling, which made me try to chase off the thought and the feeling, so I went home, couldnt sit in a bar with my pal anymore. So the images started, and luckilly I found out about hocd, and that made me feel better since I can't be gay. I love this girl, or at least I'm obsessed with her, but i do get a lot of obsessions.So I manage to control images, but then again, I have to go to the university, and there are lots of my male friends there. I have never had a problem standing next to those guys before, joking with them, shaking hands, and now i do. I had sex with a woman before, and that was when i was 19, and she was 32 at the time, and it was great, but when her boyfriend found out it became hell. So I didn't get to date, and then this girl i really love hurt my feelings when we had this fight, She was also in a relationship you know, and that made me desperate. I have had several attempts to become friendly with girls and allow something to develop, and I would sleep with all of them, but I wouldn't have relationship with them. Men in this sense never interested me, and now I can't even shake hands with them because of this...hell. I've told my mom and dad, they want to help, but where I live we don't have doc's like in U.S. I can't even embrace gay lifestyle because I live in a conservative society, and there are no gay people 'round here, and I don't want to watch gay porn, and I don't wan't to test anything. I've stopped masturbating and watching porn, but I constantly read about these issues. Above all, I wanna get married, have kids, live a life I always wanted to live...only, how I'm going to do that when I'm so low on self-esteem, and depressed, and now get this strange feeling in my lower spine and groins when I look at the men. I'm conteplating suicide, I wan't to cry, I can't even look at my brothers...imagine that...brothers! The most horrible "visions" happened to me yesterday, but now they're gone. My dad organized me a meeting with a doc, and he insists on goin' to church, but I kinda lost my faith due to too many dissapointments. I did pray, curse, shout, cry...laugh like a maniac...Oh, and i have recently found out that one of my former friends is gay. I was shocked to a certain extent, but he was always slightly feminine and wasn't interested in male stuff. On the other hand, I was always a military style, agressive like person who used to like sports, used to go to gym and lead a typically male life. I was never tidy...See...it's killing me...i'm sorry for writing my autbiography here, but please, help me...Now i'm 26, and I don't think I'd be waiting this long to "come out" if I were gay. I never thought about it, and now...help me...please.
Couple days ago, i was shuffling porn on the internet. I used to do that alot. I was looking for "**'s", and suddenly, a gay intercourse photo pops up before my eyes. Ofc, my first response was wtf, but then i realized that i kinda hesitated to turn it of for a split-second, and the image got stuck in my head. I've managed to masturbate imagining women, but it made me worried. You see, I have no problem being aroused by women, I gladly think about that. But, there are other issues. I had a gay thought, just a thought before, and i succsesfully repressed it. It considered my best friend. The other day, I was looking at his wrist, and i felt this strange feeling, which made me try to chase off the thought and the feeling, so I went home, couldnt sit in a bar with my pal anymore. So the images started, and luckilly I found out about hocd, and that made me feel better since I can't be gay. I love this girl, or at least I'm obsessed with her, but i do get a lot of obsessions.So I manage to control images, but then again, I have to go to the university, and there are lots of my male friends there. I have never had a problem standing next to those guys before, joking with them, shaking hands, and now i do. I had sex with a woman before, and that was when i was 19, and she was 32 at the time, and it was great, but when her boyfriend found out it became hell. So I didn't get to date, and then this girl i really love hurt my feelings when we had this fight, She was also in a relationship you know, and that made me desperate. I have had several attempts to become friendly with girls and allow something to develop, and I would sleep with all of them, but I wouldn't have relationship with them. Men in this sense never interested me, and now I can't even shake hands with them because of this...hell. I've told my mom and dad, they want to help, but where I live we don't have doc's like in U.S. I can't even embrace gay lifestyle because I live in a conservative society, and there are no gay people 'round here, and I don't want to watch gay porn, and I don't wan't to test anything. I've stopped masturbating and watching porn, but I constantly read about these issues. Above all, I wanna get married, have kids, live a life I always wanted to live...only, how I'm going to do that when I'm so low on self-esteem, and depressed, and now get this strange feeling in my lower spine and groins when I look at the men. I'm conteplating suicide, I wan't to cry, I can't even look at my brothers...imagine that...brothers! The most horrible "visions" happened to me yesterday, but now they're gone. My dad organized me a meeting with a doc, and he insists on goin' to church, but I kinda lost my faith due to too many dissapointments. I did pray, curse, shout, cry...laugh like a maniac...Oh, and i have recently found out that one of my former friends is gay. I was shocked to a certain extent, but he was always slightly feminine and wasn't interested in male stuff. On the other hand, I was always a military style, agressive like person who used to like sports, used to go to gym and lead a typically male life. I was never tidy...See...it's killing me...i'm sorry for writing my autbiography here, but please, help me...Now i'm 26, and I don't think I'd be waiting this long to "come out" if I were gay. I never thought about it, and now...help me...please.
Read JGF's post about the anatomy of a horrific thought. That's where you're at. You're stuck obsessing. There are things you can do to try to stop that thinking process. It tales time and work, and you're doing the right thing by seeking professional help. Read it, then read it again.
And yes, you would have KNOWN long before 26 if you were gay, or even bi. People who are gay do not become that way after one image pops up on the computer. In my non-professional opinion, indeed you are not gay at all, but suffering from HOCD.
Just take a deep breath and find comfort that you are getting help. You won't feel like this forever. Look at almost ALL of the other threads in this forum, they're all the same...this is a more common kind of OCD than people realize. This has nothing to do with your sexual identity or exploration or anything of the sort. It's obsessive thinking.
And yes, you would have KNOWN long before 26 if you were gay, or even bi. People who are gay do not become that way after one image pops up on the computer. In my non-professional opinion, indeed you are not gay at all, but suffering from HOCD.
Just take a deep breath and find comfort that you are getting help. You won't feel like this forever. Look at almost ALL of the other threads in this forum, they're all the same...this is a more common kind of OCD than people realize. This has nothing to do with your sexual identity or exploration or anything of the sort. It's obsessive thinking.
I just dont know anymore. This is so tiring...im going to get treatment on monday, and i cant wait for it. I dont wanna go outside the house anymore. Its disturbing, I dont think mom and dad realize the seriousness of my situation. I would like to die, just die. I feel like a sinner, a liar, the worst kind. I would like to have an interest in women i used to, but thats kinda different too. The prayer kept my mind from the issue, but even the prayer gets interrupted...
Don't put too much stock in the gay porn you saw. It is different and different is always interesting which is why you hesitated to turn it off. You are not gay or in my opinion bi for that matter. The only thing you have to know is that if you said out loud "I'm gay" would you want to run out and be with another guy? From what you wrote I think the answer is a big fat no...therefore you cannot possibly be gay.
But that came all of a sudden. Im pretty sure I wasnt thinking this way a week ago. And btw, regarding anal stuff, I hve this like strange feeling, I could even describe it as craving. I dont know anymore... I sleep in episodes...i dont want this...never wanted it. My brain is playing with me, its malfunctioning. I had trauma before, i was obsessive before, bu nothing like this, this is killing me. I don know anymore, Im afraid. Today i this particular guy starts appearing in my mind. That guy is objectively good looking, but why him? My brains convince me that i was looking at him before, that i wanna sleep with the guy. I woke up, and his face, just his face pops into my mind. Im deeply disturbed.
Hi and welcome. There is nothing wrong with being inquisitive about sexuality. When a person is gay they dont question it. They might repress it to be openly but none the less they know they are.
Your having thoughts about what it would be like to be with a man and i would estimate that a vast majority of straight men have experienced it one time in their life out of couriosity. Im not talking about the extremes like having anal sex but just laying next to a man and touching eachother.
If the opportunity ever comes up maybe give it a shot just to have the experience. Then you will definatly know weather its for you.
And by the way, many people are bi and a lot of this is based on the capacity to be close to all people.
Your having thoughts about what it would be like to be with a man and i would estimate that a vast majority of straight men have experienced it one time in their life out of couriosity. Im not talking about the extremes like having anal sex but just laying next to a man and touching eachother.
If the opportunity ever comes up maybe give it a shot just to have the experience. Then you will definatly know weather its for you.
And by the way, many people are bi and a lot of this is based on the capacity to be close to all people.
Ofc, i didnt hate anybody, i considered it their choice. But what i have is not a choice and i hate it. I choose girls. And that is the bad thing, i choose, but these images, impulses...im tired...
Thank you for the reply. I just want to be able to hang out with my friends like i used to, to get my life back. Im changing my diet to improve my behaviour, i go to university to train my brain to overcome this...but its killing me. I just feel like crying, i think itd be great to fall asleep and not wake up. Homosexuality is everything i ever stood against, and now my sick brain is trying to convince me that im homo...no can do. I also now see some of my friends differently then a month ago, and dammit, my brain is trying to tell me that i was looking at them this way before, but i know that i didnt. I dont want to be what my brain says i am, i love this girl. I never had a hard on to a man, but i feel smthin strange down there, and now its almost nonstop, no matter whether i see someone or not. I dont think its arousal, though it kinda feels like it...just confusing, scary...i want it to stop.
just tell me if you want help, i considered the possibility of not living anymore but obviously is not an option and look at me! i got over it. YOU'RE NOT GAY AND YOU KNOW IT
yes, hocd is only a bad memory for me, i totally got over it but this was awful to me, this was a hell. cheking only increased y obssesion and i felt something when i foucused my eyes on a girl's body trying to see if i have a corporal reaction, i dont know how to explain. but i looked for information about being bisexual or homosexual, and my fear wasnt the social issues, 'cause the society wouldnt accept me, that was not my fear, i JUST DIDNT WANT TO BE HOMOSEXUAL and i wasnt and im not! so why that feelings?? ok...i looked for information and i have the conclusion that all human beings have an homosexual part and we repress it. anytime you need help just talk to me
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