Sreassurance- OCD?

[tante76]

HI guys.

Hoping someone will take the time to read this. Here is my story.

I have been in a long term relationship for over 2 years with a girl who I love greatly.

However, in the past I have had sexual experiences with me. The most recent was a year ago. These are all experiences that I do regret however as it makes me feel sick web nI think of what I did when I have a beautiful loving girl friend who takes such an interest in my life.

I have also masterbated over gay porn as well.

The truth is though that I would never be with another man in a loving relationship and I think homosexuality goes beyond the physical and that you have to actually be able to love another man like a woman and that is something I couldn't do.

When things may have been getting slow in the bedroom with my girl friend, I resorted to the men in the past as it was a release. I do regret this ever so much!

I had such STD anxiety over this and involved multiple tests and everything was thank God negative - however I think it is from guilt.

I am just trying to find a way to put this all past me and forget about this and move on with my life including my amazing girl friend.

I really to feel sick when I think of what I did and I have no intention to ever do anything with another man ever again. Perhaps I am subconsciously punishing myself for everything that I have done. I wouldn't tell my girlfriend as that would only upset her and cause the relationship to break up. These are my mistakes and I have to live with them I guess.

I really do not think I am gay at all. I coiuld never see myself in a loving relationship with a man. I want a wife and children and this has been a desire for years (I am 22.)

I find however that this is difficult to put past me. Sometimes, its easy and life is good, other times it just creeps up on me.

I think of stupid scenarios, like in the Dr surgery in London who I used for tests and appointments, a receptionist may be hired who may be a friend of mine and could potentially then have access to my records.

I think it is a fear of being caught as I wish to put this all to rest. I want to forget about it and move on with my loving GF who I really do see being married to her.

All in all, can anyone relate and offer guidance? I do not want to use medication or anything like that and would love to be able to overcome this by myself.

Thanks

[tante76]

Thanks for that.

Yes, these were exposures I regret, and now I would never nor could ever interact like that with the same sex - it makes me feel ill. Not that I have a problem with it, as I have a gay friend, but I would never want to do that again.

I am happy at the thought of spending my life with someone who I love greatly.

As I said, I have to put them down to life's lessons and experiences and making a decision.

As for STD's - I have spoken to the best Dr's in UK and the other experts in US too and I feel at ease with everything knowing that I have never had anything to give to my GF.

Yes, it is guilt but also the prospect of getting caught out by the people that I had these exposures with that scares me which makes me anxious as the repercussions would not be good for me or my reputation.

So, I know that I love my GF with all my heart, that being with her and being able to his and cuddle her makes me the happiest that I can feel.

As I said, my same sex exposures was a mistake and something that I will never do again.

That is the honest truth. Thanks for listening.

[JGF25]

You can be bi-sexual and just lean toward relationships with girls.  You obviously were not completely turned off by being with men.  It is that you just prefer to be in a long-term relationship with a woman.  So I don't think you have HOCD.  HOCD is when you are completely straight and you are second guessing whether you might be gay.  People with HOCD usually do not have sexual encounters with the same sex.  

Perhaps you are feeling guilty and that is leading to anxiety though.  You obviously love your girlfriend and you don't want to put her at any risk for a STD by playing the field so to speak.  So you need to sit down and do some real soul searching.  Are you going to be able to be happy in a relationship where you are with one person forever and put the other urges aside?  When things get slow again in the bedroom, are you going to be able to stop yourself from seeking out men like you have done inthe past?

Personally, I think you could benefit from seeing a psychologist.  They are there to listen and be objective.  They are there to help you alleviate your anxiety and give you better strategies to help you when the going gets rough.  If anybody asks, just say you are having some anxiety issues.  It's the truth.  

Best of luck.  

[tante76]

I have been thinking about this and the thought of cuddling up with my girl friend in bed being intimate and just holding her, or seeing older couples married for decades together makes me smile as want that ever so much. and i think that this is further evidence towards me being hetrosexual as opposed to homosexual.

I think I have to put the homosexual experiences down to life's lessons - you cannot make a decision unless you have tried both sides - and move on focusing on my relationship.

I do think, there is anxiety about getting caught and being exposed and hurting my gf and causing myself to be ashamed in front of so many people, but as I have noticed that one of the men I had sex with, has a friend on Facebook who I know. It turns out that this man was married and was also dabbling and so he isn't going o be telling his husband anything.

anyway -lifes lessons. I have to be strong, move on and concentrate on loving my GF entirely.

[tante76]

I should also say that I think a part of my HOCD comes from my father who will always make sly comments about gay people in a way as if it is bad, and that gets my mind working over time.

I really do not think that I am gay and cannot ever imagine myself being in a honsexual relationship. As I said, I one my gf, i want a typical nuclear family and have wanted that for many many years.