Aa
I need help!
Hello, I am Matt and I am 19 years old. I thought sharing my experience would help a lot as I am going through another episode of OCD.
Let's start from the beginning: When I was a kid, I used to count tiles on the bathroom floor and when I was walking I used to fit a certain number of steps into each road segment (roads are divided by cracks, yeah faulty roads..) and such. I never made a lot out of it as it never caused me distress, other than maybe taking longer or shorter steps and my walking style looking a bit odd. I still do this, but not all the time. The worst part began when I had my first girlfriend. It goes like this: we were hanging out, a girl told me she liked me, I went to the bathroom where I acted like a schoolgirl out of joy and then we started dating. It was so good being with her, I was always aroused, even in public places, I would always literally c*me my pants while with her (pardon my language). One day she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her. Well, the next week I couldn't function, only when I was around her. When alone I could barely eat because my thoughts would eat my energy. I kept walking around the house and crawling, thinking that I don't love her, yes I do, no I don't and so on (you see the pattern). Finally I broke up with her and I felt really relieved, but only for a week. Then I started thinking I love her, no I don't, her name kept repeating itself in my head, bad depression and whenever I saw her I would get this weird bad feeling, a knot in my chest and stomach, it felt really bad (like panic and fear, I guess) and then I got depressed again. In time, it passed, I got used to it, until one day when I saw a good looking guy and I thought: wow, good looking guy. I experienced such panic and anxiety, I had the worst summer ever, I was depressed and the phrase "he's hot" would repeat itself a lot of times. I started thinking I was gay. Someday though, I found out about OCD and it's themes and boy was I relieved. I should mention I was never attracted to any male and I checked out gay porn and male erotica and I never get excited, I am not repulsed but somewhat uncomfortable. I even tried telling myself I am gay and accepting it, but it didn't fit and ultimately backfired. I only ever got excited over hetero smut and stuff like that. Thing is, I keep checking and checking when I'm out, just today I spent around 6-7 hours reading about OCD and checking to see if it did manifest itself in me. I should also mention that I am not homophobic, my parents and friends told me they would accept me anyway, but I do have very low self-esteem and I am really bad with the ladies, and I tried asking girls out but they all refused me. I mean, I think no girl wants me because I am fat and ugly (...), despite my intelligence, which I often doubt I have. Also, at a party I slept in the same bed with a girl and my Johnson was harder than wood, was a little embarrassing cause it kinda poked her back, but I felt so good. This happened twice. What is more, I have a friend who gets good results in school and I often try acting like him because that will result in good things for me as well. For example I wore a hoodie when I failed my driver's lic, since then I have worn the hoodie maybe once, out of fear that I will fail something else while wearing it. Was my favorite hoodie too. Damn.
So I hope this helps others, it helped me.
I really want your opinion, do you think I have some sort of OCD? I can't really go to therapy cause the only psychiatrist in my city is very expensive.
Thank you.
Let's start from the beginning: When I was a kid, I used to count tiles on the bathroom floor and when I was walking I used to fit a certain number of steps into each road segment (roads are divided by cracks, yeah faulty roads..) and such. I never made a lot out of it as it never caused me distress, other than maybe taking longer or shorter steps and my walking style looking a bit odd. I still do this, but not all the time. The worst part began when I had my first girlfriend. It goes like this: we were hanging out, a girl told me she liked me, I went to the bathroom where I acted like a schoolgirl out of joy and then we started dating. It was so good being with her, I was always aroused, even in public places, I would always literally c*me my pants while with her (pardon my language). One day she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her. Well, the next week I couldn't function, only when I was around her. When alone I could barely eat because my thoughts would eat my energy. I kept walking around the house and crawling, thinking that I don't love her, yes I do, no I don't and so on (you see the pattern). Finally I broke up with her and I felt really relieved, but only for a week. Then I started thinking I love her, no I don't, her name kept repeating itself in my head, bad depression and whenever I saw her I would get this weird bad feeling, a knot in my chest and stomach, it felt really bad (like panic and fear, I guess) and then I got depressed again. In time, it passed, I got used to it, until one day when I saw a good looking guy and I thought: wow, good looking guy. I experienced such panic and anxiety, I had the worst summer ever, I was depressed and the phrase "he's hot" would repeat itself a lot of times. I started thinking I was gay. Someday though, I found out about OCD and it's themes and boy was I relieved. I should mention I was never attracted to any male and I checked out gay porn and male erotica and I never get excited, I am not repulsed but somewhat uncomfortable. I even tried telling myself I am gay and accepting it, but it didn't fit and ultimately backfired. I only ever got excited over hetero smut and stuff like that. Thing is, I keep checking and checking when I'm out, just today I spent around 6-7 hours reading about OCD and checking to see if it did manifest itself in me. I should also mention that I am not homophobic, my parents and friends told me they would accept me anyway, but I do have very low self-esteem and I am really bad with the ladies, and I tried asking girls out but they all refused me. I mean, I think no girl wants me because I am fat and ugly (...), despite my intelligence, which I often doubt I have. Also, at a party I slept in the same bed with a girl and my Johnson was harder than wood, was a little embarrassing cause it kinda poked her back, but I felt so good. This happened twice. What is more, I have a friend who gets good results in school and I often try acting like him because that will result in good things for me as well. For example I wore a hoodie when I failed my driver's lic, since then I have worn the hoodie maybe once, out of fear that I will fail something else while wearing it. Was my favorite hoodie too. Damn.
So I hope this helps others, it helped me.
I really want your opinion, do you think I have some sort of OCD? I can't really go to therapy cause the only psychiatrist in my city is very expensive.
Thank you.
Also give this article a read courtesy of poster 57Carol. It was very interesting and I think it will help you.
http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
I can't formally diagnose you but it does sound like OCD to me coupled with a heavy dose of self-esteem issues.
With OCD our mind is playing tricks on us. We say black and our mind says white. How annoying!
We don't wake up one day and become gay. We either are or we are not. I personally think it is hard-wired in our genetics. The reason you are fighting this thought is because deep down inside you know you are not gay. If you were, you would accept it and move on.
So seeing that you cannot see a psychiatrist or psychologist, that really limits your options. The best thing to do is to learn cogntive beahvioral therapy and that is done with a psychologist. Since you cannot do that I am going to suggest the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. It has worksheets and everything but you have to commit to getting better and doing the exercises in the book.
As far as the walking....what do you think is going to happen if you don't use a certain number of steps? I promise you that since everybody else around you is walking normally, that if you do as well nothing will happen. At some point you have to say enough and let it go. So go out and walk normally and remind yourself that everybody else does it so it is fine.
The hoodie...put it back on. The worst thing you can do when you have OCD is avoid. The hoodie has nothing to do with you failing your driving test. If something wories me like this, I go out and do exactly what I'm afraid of. At one point in my life you could have found me cruising down the parkway in the middle of the night just to prove to myself I could.
The self-esteem you need to work on. I personally think there is someone for everyone out there. If you don't like the way you look, then change it. Exercise is good not only for the body but also for the mind. Start slow and work your way up. Watch what you eat...i.e., get soda out of your life, processed foods if you can. Look to eat things that are grown from a plant. Make the effort and it will pay back dividends.
If you cannot afford the book, then you can probably check it out from the local library.
Oh and stop checking. Don't watch porn "to see" how you feel. That just keeps you in the OCD loop. "I AM NOT GAY, MOVE ON" should be your mantra.
Take care and let me know if there is anything else you need.
With OCD our mind is playing tricks on us. We say black and our mind says white. How annoying!
We don't wake up one day and become gay. We either are or we are not. I personally think it is hard-wired in our genetics. The reason you are fighting this thought is because deep down inside you know you are not gay. If you were, you would accept it and move on.
So seeing that you cannot see a psychiatrist or psychologist, that really limits your options. The best thing to do is to learn cogntive beahvioral therapy and that is done with a psychologist. Since you cannot do that I am going to suggest the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. It has worksheets and everything but you have to commit to getting better and doing the exercises in the book.
As far as the walking....what do you think is going to happen if you don't use a certain number of steps? I promise you that since everybody else around you is walking normally, that if you do as well nothing will happen. At some point you have to say enough and let it go. So go out and walk normally and remind yourself that everybody else does it so it is fine.
The hoodie...put it back on. The worst thing you can do when you have OCD is avoid. The hoodie has nothing to do with you failing your driving test. If something wories me like this, I go out and do exactly what I'm afraid of. At one point in my life you could have found me cruising down the parkway in the middle of the night just to prove to myself I could.
The self-esteem you need to work on. I personally think there is someone for everyone out there. If you don't like the way you look, then change it. Exercise is good not only for the body but also for the mind. Start slow and work your way up. Watch what you eat...i.e., get soda out of your life, processed foods if you can. Look to eat things that are grown from a plant. Make the effort and it will pay back dividends.
If you cannot afford the book, then you can probably check it out from the local library.
Oh and stop checking. Don't watch porn "to see" how you feel. That just keeps you in the OCD loop. "I AM NOT GAY, MOVE ON" should be your mantra.
Take care and let me know if there is anything else you need.
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