Aa
Anger Management and the young survivor
....and by young I mean anyone under????????
60? 70? I really don't know but as a woman under forty who is lucky enough to have had kids (some of us afflicted havent even had any at all) I am going through a stage of disconnect with all these people who (understandably) are my age (or older) and distraught with their mother's diagnosis. I do feel empathy I DO....and I share my experience willingly...but honestly...this disease...ANY DISEASE in a person of one age and a person FORTY years older is going to look act and be very very different.....And I know we all have to support one another and I am all for that but it feels like this is more about supporting caregivers sometimes than supporting those of us who actually have to go through this....Maybe this is just another stage of acceptance of this disease...and I mean no disrespect to anyone but I feel disregarded when I am compared constantly to women who have had full lives and I haven't yet.
60? 70? I really don't know but as a woman under forty who is lucky enough to have had kids (some of us afflicted havent even had any at all) I am going through a stage of disconnect with all these people who (understandably) are my age (or older) and distraught with their mother's diagnosis. I do feel empathy I DO....and I share my experience willingly...but honestly...this disease...ANY DISEASE in a person of one age and a person FORTY years older is going to look act and be very very different.....And I know we all have to support one another and I am all for that but it feels like this is more about supporting caregivers sometimes than supporting those of us who actually have to go through this....Maybe this is just another stage of acceptance of this disease...and I mean no disrespect to anyone but I feel disregarded when I am compared constantly to women who have had full lives and I haven't yet.
I'm really not trying to pick a fight here but when I read your post I couldn't help but get a little frustrated - does that mean because I may not get a chance to see my SON grow up, that my battle is worse than yours? I could say your lucky too, because your daughter is older than mine - my son just turned six! Does that make you feel any better?
Cancer is cancer and yes, it's awful to imagine our children, no matter what age, without thier Mom's but we shouldn't be playing the "I'm worse off than you are" game. No one wins - trust me.
Everyone here is angry, including me, because we are forced to imagine our lives going on without us and it's scary.
Becky
Cancer is cancer and yes, it's awful to imagine our children, no matter what age, without thier Mom's but we shouldn't be playing the "I'm worse off than you are" game. No one wins - trust me.
Everyone here is angry, including me, because we are forced to imagine our lives going on without us and it's scary.
Becky
I get the anger that is swirling around on this thread - I really do. How can you not be angry when your diagnosed with a disease that affects every aspect of your life? It was awful having to make a will at 27 years old because I had cancer. It's awful having to worry about what will happen to my little boy after I'm gone - and no one can tell me I shouldn't worry because I'm a mother - that's what I do. It's so easy to say one day at a time and be happy your here, but it takes time to get to that point...
I used to laugh when I was first diagnosed and people would say to me "stay positive!" - that is a state of mind - how could I possibly stay positive when everything that was being thrown at me was as negative as they come? I found it just about the most ignorant thing anyone could say to me...like it was easy for me to just flip a switch and poof - I was suddenly positive! Again, it takes time to get to that point and each persons journey is different.
I think what I see here, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that when we (those with cancer) come on here and say we're scared of death and treatment and what the future holds, our feelings become de-valued when other's can so easily preach about how God decides our time and how we are never given more than we can handle. From an outsiders point of view, I'm sure it must be easy to say those words and you probably think it provides comfort but it doesn't - we are SCARED. We are allowed to be scared. I think the well meaning words of others sometimes makes us feel bad for the feelings we have...so now on top of being afraid and frightened, we feel guilty because we aren't supposed to feel this way. (according to some)
This is a vicious cycle and I know, for me, it took years to live each day not being angry and consumed with thoughts about my death. It's a process and one that takes lot's of time and should not be rushed. I don't live every day being angry but I'm still scared...and no ones words of wisdom will ever make that feeling go away. I am allowed to feel what I feel because this is MY journey and no one elses...
Don't feel bad about the feelings your having and don't feel like you aren't allowed to feel them. Day by day, they will start to become less and less consuming....
Becky xx
I used to laugh when I was first diagnosed and people would say to me "stay positive!" - that is a state of mind - how could I possibly stay positive when everything that was being thrown at me was as negative as they come? I found it just about the most ignorant thing anyone could say to me...like it was easy for me to just flip a switch and poof - I was suddenly positive! Again, it takes time to get to that point and each persons journey is different.
I think what I see here, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that when we (those with cancer) come on here and say we're scared of death and treatment and what the future holds, our feelings become de-valued when other's can so easily preach about how God decides our time and how we are never given more than we can handle. From an outsiders point of view, I'm sure it must be easy to say those words and you probably think it provides comfort but it doesn't - we are SCARED. We are allowed to be scared. I think the well meaning words of others sometimes makes us feel bad for the feelings we have...so now on top of being afraid and frightened, we feel guilty because we aren't supposed to feel this way. (according to some)
This is a vicious cycle and I know, for me, it took years to live each day not being angry and consumed with thoughts about my death. It's a process and one that takes lot's of time and should not be rushed. I don't live every day being angry but I'm still scared...and no ones words of wisdom will ever make that feeling go away. I am allowed to feel what I feel because this is MY journey and no one elses...
Don't feel bad about the feelings your having and don't feel like you aren't allowed to feel them. Day by day, they will start to become less and less consuming....
Becky xx
I don't misunderstand you, I understand your comments completely! I agree with some of your comments like about household chores. Yes life goes on. My husband can hire a housekeeper to do my work here, but she certainly won't replace me. When my daughter walks through the front door of our house after school and no one is home to greet her, who could I hire to fulfill that role? An Au Pair possibly, but she won't replace me. My husband can hire a hooker, and she'd probably be more skilled in bed than I am, but she won't love him the way I do. They would all be paid employees working for my husband, but not because they care as much as I do, they would be in it for the job and the money. But yes, life would go on.
No one can replace my role in my family, because no one could ever care as much as I do about my family. This was a thread for younger survivors who have OvCa. We are angry because our lives may be cut in half and for some even less that half. I understand you have dealt with terminal illness before several times it seems, but until you've walked in those shoes, you do not know what it's like to be in those shoes. I don't care how much you've seen it, you haven't lived it.
You had Leslee for 51 years. You got to see her grow up, become independent, and have children of her own. My daughter is still a young girl, not even in high school yet, and she still needs me. The trauma for a young teen to lose her mother is very different than a mother losing her grown daughter. Don't get me wrong, the idea of either is inconceivable to me, but they are two very different scenarios. My daughter would have no grandmother to help fulfill my role, which is what I believe would be the most acceptable substitute. You have the luxury to be there for your grandkids.
I may never know my grandchildren. I never had maternal support to help me with my daughter. I want to be here to be maternal support to my daughter when she has children. I may not get to do that and it will be a loss for my daughter. It's not what I want for her. She deserves an intact family. Yes, my husbands new wife could fulfill my role to some degree, but she'll never love my daughter or grandchildren the way I would. My precious daughters children could never be loved by any other woman as much as I would love them. It's just not possible.
There will be a huge void in the lives I leave behind. Yes, life will go on, the household will run. But my daughter may not have her mother's influence in such formative years that are yet to come. So please don't tell me that I shouldn't worry. These are my feelings and I have a right to them. And definitely don't tell me I'm not smart enough and don't believe in God enough to know that my family will be fine. I know that my husband would be fine and he will take excellent care of our daughter because he adores her. In the grand scheme of things my daughter will be fine as well but she will have some everlasting scars. So please do not try to minimize my worry.
No one can replace my role in my family, because no one could ever care as much as I do about my family. This was a thread for younger survivors who have OvCa. We are angry because our lives may be cut in half and for some even less that half. I understand you have dealt with terminal illness before several times it seems, but until you've walked in those shoes, you do not know what it's like to be in those shoes. I don't care how much you've seen it, you haven't lived it.
You had Leslee for 51 years. You got to see her grow up, become independent, and have children of her own. My daughter is still a young girl, not even in high school yet, and she still needs me. The trauma for a young teen to lose her mother is very different than a mother losing her grown daughter. Don't get me wrong, the idea of either is inconceivable to me, but they are two very different scenarios. My daughter would have no grandmother to help fulfill my role, which is what I believe would be the most acceptable substitute. You have the luxury to be there for your grandkids.
I may never know my grandchildren. I never had maternal support to help me with my daughter. I want to be here to be maternal support to my daughter when she has children. I may not get to do that and it will be a loss for my daughter. It's not what I want for her. She deserves an intact family. Yes, my husbands new wife could fulfill my role to some degree, but she'll never love my daughter or grandchildren the way I would. My precious daughters children could never be loved by any other woman as much as I would love them. It's just not possible.
There will be a huge void in the lives I leave behind. Yes, life will go on, the household will run. But my daughter may not have her mother's influence in such formative years that are yet to come. So please don't tell me that I shouldn't worry. These are my feelings and I have a right to them. And definitely don't tell me I'm not smart enough and don't believe in God enough to know that my family will be fine. I know that my husband would be fine and he will take excellent care of our daughter because he adores her. In the grand scheme of things my daughter will be fine as well but she will have some everlasting scars. So please do not try to minimize my worry.
Sorry girls but I just can't deal with this much anger, not right now any way, OH how I miss Jan, she was my rock in times like this. Take care , I love you, Marty
I've felt genuine connection with you and your mom and I don't want to diminish that for one second....we are in this together and I have shared whatever I have with you with a full heart. I've also just felt lonely as one of the "younger" patients and I do think...and honestly hope...that while somethings are the same about how the disease plays out across the decades that some things are also different...and emotionally....it is very very different for those of us who just thought we were getting to middle adulthood...to suddenly be facing (potential) end of life issues that are supposed to be associated with elder years.
So you are enlightened...and I am not?..and I could pass judgement too and say..."as an elder you are still so self consumed and narcissistic"......I'm too tired to to repeat myself go back to my original response to you.
You CONTINUE to attempt to diminish my experience.... I am seeking what I need..I do not share your belief system that your God has preserved your life so you can do something but following that logic...... perhaps his job for you is to to find humility...perhaps it is to learn compassion..perhaps it is just to find silence when that is the only gift you have to give. I do find judgement in your actions Marty...because my guiding principle...especially with people who are in need ...is first and formost....is do no harm....and in this case...by continuing to diminish me and force your point ...you are doing harm. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU IT NEVER WAS..can you understand that...it is about a sisterhood of women who are just experiencing something different? Don't feel left out...it's an exclusive club...but really...it's not all that much fun...
You CONTINUE to attempt to diminish my experience.... I am seeking what I need..I do not share your belief system that your God has preserved your life so you can do something but following that logic...... perhaps his job for you is to to find humility...perhaps it is to learn compassion..perhaps it is just to find silence when that is the only gift you have to give. I do find judgement in your actions Marty...because my guiding principle...especially with people who are in need ...is first and formost....is do no harm....and in this case...by continuing to diminish me and force your point ...you are doing harm. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU IT NEVER WAS..can you understand that...it is about a sisterhood of women who are just experiencing something different? Don't feel left out...it's an exclusive club...but really...it's not all that much fun...
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