I'm Living Life, But Have A Question About Life

[worldtraveler23]

Hi:

Just checking in to say hi. After finishing my treatment on 3/12/09 (4 rounds) and having receivied the news I had clean scans (CT and PET) on 4/6/09, I needed to take a break away from all things related to doctors, cancer, etc. I'm a 1c and feeling good. I'm probably about 90% right now. Not sure how long it will take to completeley get back my energy level. My hair is starting to grow back, but I still need my wig. My wig is still the big reminder of the ovarian cancer and being able to finally get rid of it will play a big part for me in my emotional healing. I am back to working full-time without any days off for treatment and recovery, so that is really good. I'm back to my regular activites, with few limitations, although I still feel the fatigue from time to time, although it is not too bad and definitely not like it was during treatment. Still have my down days and little personal pity parties, but am overall mostly positive. Had a weekend away with 5 of my girlfriends last weekend and had a great time.

Here is my question: An acquaintance wishes to introduce me to someone (a man). I'm 52 and been widowed for 17 months, with the ovarian cancer diagnosed in early Dec. 2008 (11 months out). While I feel ready from a widow's perspective of meeting someone new at this point, I'm wondering if it is wise for me to do so. I will probably be going to dinner or lunch with this person. I'm still wearing my wig (although my friends tell me I look hip 'n happening in it-LOL) and yes, I am still self concious about it. I wouldn't tell someone immediately that I am a cancer survivor, but at some point, I suppose the person would need to know or might wonder why I am wearing a wig. I'm thinking about this, not just because of this introduction, but looking at my life as a single person into the future. I imagine it could really blow up in my face and be a deal-breaker for alot of people. So I am wondering if I should not even go there and be happy with my life as it is. How would you tell someone you were dating you are a cancer survivor? And when should you tell them?  Does anyone on this Board have any experience with this? I'm trying to navigate my new life as both a widow and cancer survivor........

Thanks~

Mary      
  

[worldtraveler23]

I'll provide a full report next week after the date. And by the way, I really appreciate the encouragement!!

Mary

[gah_70]

Your post gave me the biggest smile!!  Chris just summed it up perfectly!!  I don't want to pry, but if you fell comfortable doing so, I'd really like to know how it goes.  This is so cool!  

Gail

[crecco]

  YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!
        Chris

[worldtraveler23]

Hi All:

Thanks for all of your comments. I am having my first date with this man next week. He does not live in my city and I have talked to him on the phone several times and we have also e-mailed. Our talking and e-mailing has now been about a month, so we already know some things about the other. Will finally meet in person. I am nervous. Nervous for alot of different reasons!! Last time I had a date with someone other than my late husband was probably being invited to a keg party in college! So, it will be a mix of things for me. I have decided not to tell him that I am a cancer survivor on the first date. I've thought about it and decided if I had diabetes, etc. I wouldn't be disclosing that on a first date, either. Will assume he won't tell me on a first date if he has high blood pressure. It's only a first date, so I want to see how it goes. In any event, it would have to be a very special person for me to see myself in a long-term relationship with someone new. Right now, I see this date as part of getting back into the land of the living (after widowhood and my diagnosis) and just seeing where life takes me. I hope we can continue to discuss topics like interpersonal relationships on this forum as I think it is so important to our emotional well-being and healing.

Mary  

[crecco]

Mary,
  That is great news. All of it. It sounds as though you are coming along just fine. Your outlook on life sounds great so why not go out and enjoy life. You have been given a second chance and should by all means take advantage of it. Like Barb, I think that you should be open about the cancer right up front. If he is a good guy, then he shouldn't think anything at all about it. Having cancer is nothing to be ashamed of. I am not looking for anyone at the moment, but I live in a small town so if I was, it is likely that who ever I went out with would already know it anyway.
  I am not saying that the others are wrong by any means, and I am also not trying to give advice. I am just simply stating my opinoin. As I said, you have been given another chance at life, so enjoy it to the fullest and do what ever you want. You deserve it.
   Chris

[gls2824]

If it were me, I wouldn't reveal it right away.  First of all, it would sound like I'm apologizing for having a health issue.  Second, he would be a virtual stranger and I wouldn't share such an intimate detail with someone I didn't know well.

If it looked like it was turning into a relationship I would definitely tell him.  If nothing else, it would be a revelation of his character.

Just my opinion.

[joanie121]

Hi Again,  I agree... my comments are purely my opinion.... worldtraveler23 would have
the ultimate decision... I am also single.... so I go thru this in my mind... So far, I haven't met anyone but I too have my concerns about revealing my med history...when i feel
the time will be right.  I certainly want to start off being truthful... however, not on the
first 2 or 3 dates...

[Ramsay14]

Hi Joanie,

My post was just to say what I would want to do.  It was in no way advice to anyone.  What I gleaned from the original post was that worldtraveler23 was being asked by an acquaintance if she would like to be set up on a blind date.  In that scenario, I would want the man to know a little about me.  Let's just suppose he turned out to be a complete bonehead who would never even consider getting involved with someone who had gynecological cancer.  I wouldn't want to invest any time with anyone who had that attitude.  If I were worldtraveler23 and had met this man myself at Starbucks, I would have a completely post.

Ramsay  

[joanie121]

Yes, i am in the same possible situation... when and if i meet someone... However,
what i have learned...is anyone can get cancer at any time, at any age etc. etc.. I
have a friend...met someone... ended up marrying him... and then he became very ill...
she is still with him...I just don't believe in telling someone from the start my medical history, that i am wearing wig --- it might be all in vain... if i don't want to see him... My
plan is to wait for 3 or 4 dates, get a feel for his compassion or lack there of.... and then
tell him... and then see... if they don't want to get involved... its their loss and they were
also not for me...

Welcome any comments,

[Ramsay14]

This is a very difficult scenario isn't it?  If it were me, I would want my friend to tell the man the situation.  I would want him to decide weather or not to move forward with a date under the circumstances.  

[joanie121]

Mary, thanks for bringing this question to the forefront.  I constantly thinking when i should say, how etc.  I am divorced.... however, happy with myself.  

Now i wear a great wig... except for family and close friends... you cannot even tell... I am very lucky... its my same hairstyle like my real hair... So....I wouldn't tell this guy
that I am wearing a wig.... Guys and most people dont even know.... If this works out... and when your hair grows back (as i had done in the past)... I came to work and everyone said oh... you got your haircut and said it looked nice... and I said simple
Thank you!  You and I do not have to go into a whole resume.

When we meet someone that possibly will be of interest... and after several dates... and you get a feel for this man.... then you could say.... I did have OC... had some treatments and I am clear now... Then... he has the option to do what they want... However, my feelings are.... if they don't want to deal with it... or are afraid... (and I do understand their side) then... guess what... he is not for you.

Mary... this just my opinion.... I believe in being truthful from the start... however, I meet and sometimes date... and it didn't turn out to be someone i was interested in... So... i am so glad I didn't say anything... my health is my personal information....

I am stage 3c... you are lucky that it was 1c... I am happy for you... I had to shave my
head twice... now its growing in... and actually-- is really ready to be revealed... and as you say... (i am carly simon --- lol lol -- i am very vain) and now I might have to switch from Topotecan to something else... that may make me loose my hair... so now... i will wait and see... because i dont want people to question me... oh... you got a haircut... then a month later and back to my wig which is chin length.

Besides, there is no shame in being a Cancer Survivor... we are living... this can happen to any one at any time... no one is immuned... not even guys....

Looking forward to hearing your response.... best of luck

barb