Coping with guilt

[JustApril]

My mom passed away on Oct 6 2009 from Ovarian Cancer. At the end she spent 2 weeks at hospice but she really wanted to go home so we took her home and she was doing fairly well she was home for 3 weeks then she had a really bad night and she said she had to go back to hospice so we took her back there and she lived another week and a half but she was very heavily sedated. Is it possible that the amount of sedation was what killed her? I was her main caregiver for the last 2 years and sometimes it was a challenge but I would gladly do it all again. I just feel like I should have done more at the end. How do you cope

[Hazel30]

I think its normal of what your feeling.  My Mom passed away 11 days ago, fighting cancer for 4 years.  the last 7 months have been harder for all of us with all her symptoms.  Although she never entered hospice, which was already planned, she passed away of a cardiac arrest.  There was just too much fluid in her body that the tumors were releasing and the heart couldnt take it.  She was in the hospital for a few days and was receiving morphine around the clock for pain, the more days she was there the more sedating she seemed made it difficult for us to communicate with her.  One of my regrets was the night before she passed, I made the decision for hospice in home care without her acknowledgment because she was in and out of sleep. that night I also left early to go and give my husband a break with the kids.  The next morning she passed away at 6 am.  I tried hard explaining that the doctors didnt want to do any more chemo and she said no I want to live.  I play those words in mind every minuet of the day and it hurts badly.  Its just part of life.  but I stronly believe that we all will one day reunite that puts my heart at ease.  I hope you will too

[ireneo]

It isn't easy at all. It takes time to work through all the emotions. In my case my Dad had congestive heart failure, was put on hospice care, stabilized and came off hospice after 6 months. The next year they found cancer throughout his body, was put back on hospice care.

He so wanted to die at home and we did all we could to care for him. It reached a point that the stress from my Mom's behavior and the extreme fatigue of caring for him wore us out. He agreed to go to a hospice facility for just a few days to give us all a break. We promised to bring him home. We saw him every day, reminded him he was going home in 2 days, 1 day but the night before he was to come home, he died there without us. Even now it breaks my heart. But I also know he's free of all the pain and indignities he was experiencing those last 2 weeks of his life.

I miss him, I think of him but I don't cry every time I see a little old man in the store. I don't think the sedation killed your Mom or my Dad. The disease did that. I wish cancer didn't exist. But I still treasure all those quiet moments I had with him, even if it was holding the little bottle of juice for him or cleaning up his poopy bottom. It was the closest time we ever shared, the most we've ever talked about our feelings. That will never be gone.

[milashka]

I doubt that the sedation killed her. Hospice does not speed up death, nor does it unnecessarily prolong life - hospice care is to make a dying person comfortable - sometimes that's all that's left to do. Everyone goes differently, and for some patients the last few days or weeks can be painful, and the right thing was done by sparing your mom any unnecessary pain and suffering. Your mom was in good hands. I can only hope that the same is done for me should it come down to it.