a journal post

[mellie4]

I just posted in my journal.  It feels lately I've had a lot of things contributing to my mood and yet another one has come to light.  I wrote the short version (if you see it, you'll realize it's not very short.)

Some of you were aware that my ex was in jail for about 3 + weeks.  He was released the other day and, of course, is back to his old self.  He's so mean-spirited and sick.  And the worst of it is his greatest pleasure is giving me grief.  And lately I'm just no up to it on any level.

The lies he's spreading about me, for the most part, don't matter.  But I do worry about the fallout for the kid.

I want him and his family totally disconnected from me, and I alway cave in when the kids plead with me to let him in he house.  I've explained to the kids why I can't have a civil relationship with him and how the things he says about me are not only hurtful and lies but are also dangerous.  But the bottom line is, he's their dad.

I know a lot of my flareup is due to him.  Definitely the pin moving out of position isn't his fault, but the increase in pain I think has a lot to do with the combativeness between the ex and I.

Oh, well, I'll be going back into court to put more restrictions in our agreement and, in addition, will be filing a contempt order on the nonpayment of child support.  (I've received about 3 payments since January and one wasn't even a whole payment.  Maybe they'll get sick of him over there.  I know last time both the judge and the mediator's jaws dropped when he stated, "I don't believe in child support."

[JadedSweetheart]

I have found with most addicts and dead-beats that they will do anything to rationalize their own behavior.  They constanly complain that people are trying to "screw them over" or that other people are just being mailicous with their actions toward the addict/dead-beat.  It's the only way they can rationalize "getting away from it all" or being a jerk to good, honest people and family members who genuinely care.  Those people are toxic to themselves and everyone around them and need an attitude adjustment as well as some empathy for other people.  Bitterness will eventually eat someone up like a cancer.
You have risen above it and you are not playing his mind games.  Good for you and your kids.  They have someone they can rely on in you and not all kids even have that.  You do what you can and more.  

My son's father gypsies around work as well, I do have his CS deducted from his random paychecks, as his other's son's mother does.  Sometimes he pays child support, less than 200 a month, usually $30 at a time, and sometimes he doesn't.  I certainly can't rely on it.  He's never made an effort to be in my son's life and has lived with and off his mother all his life, with the exception of a year here and there that he mooched off friends.  My son is almost 13 and sees how lame that is and I don't have to say anything negative about the jerk.
Give it time and your kids will see for themselves.

[mellie4]

Thanks to all of you.  Lately things have been difficult.  The fight I had with my dad has blown over, but I wonder if he's showing early signs of dementia with some of the things he said and done.  But for now, all is calm with him.

The ex, well, most of the time I can let it roll off my back.  But I am going into court to get more stringent rules in place.  He just ignores all court orders.

We do have wage garnishment here but he gypsies around with work.  Although I've heard he is working for some company now.  And I got a questionnaire from the Department of REvenue asking for some info on how to find him.  So I'll fill that out and let them go after him.  If nothing else, when he files next year's taxes, they'll send the rebate to me.

He acts as though any money he gives goes to me.  I just bought my 15-year old son 3 pairs of shorts right before Father's Day ... none fit.  I can nearly see him growing in his sleep!!

When I was working, I didn't need his money.  The order is an insult anyway for 4 kids.  But now that I'm out of work 3 years and have depleted my savings and live off a small worker's comp check, it's harder.  Oh, and the ex thinks I am RICH.  He is convinced when my mom died 4 years ago that she left me MILLIONS.  My father was a laborer and my mom was a stay-at-home mom that worked waitressing on weekends.  But he has himself convinced of this.  He's delusional.

[JadedSweetheart]

I posted in your journal as well.  I didn't realize the ex was out already.  I had an alcoholic step-father for a number of years and it's like some people just can't understand how their selfishness is ruining their own life.  They blame everyone but themselves and play the "innocent victim".  *eye roll*
It sounds to me like you are doing everything right.  Just hang in there, girl.  Good things will happen for you in life because you are doing the right thing by your children, your father, and yourself.  
You are so valuable and appreciated HERE as well.  You have always been sweet and kind to me when I've been going through hard things.  
I really hope this gets better for you.

[namnam46]

My Dear Adopted Daughter,

I posted over on your Journal!!!

I love  you.....Mama Sherry

[Tuckamore]

I feel so bad for you Mellie. Life is never fair...and I am worried and concerned for you..

I'm going to respond in your journal post.

Take Care Dear-heart,
~Tuck

[sandee1818]

I remember when you were dealing with this before and I am so sorry your having to go thru this yet again. The stress alone from this would send your pain levels soaring!
I like you do realize that children need their Father's in their lives but sometimes a Mother has to question if that is the best thing for them when the so called Father is toxic.
I think Jaybay had excellent advise but I also think he has a responsibility to his children and he should be made to honor that. He should have to pay his half and if he won't then let him sit in jail! He may just drop it and go away if you drop the support issues but the children deserve more than that. They deserve the very best you can offer and if he was paying his half then they would be getting that. When he doesn't pay the children get short changed and that is not fair as they are totally innocent in this situation.
I know times are tough right now, alot of my family and friends who have not really had to ever worry about money are having a tough time right now so I would imagine that every bit you can get helps.
I would go see the judge and explain that you need stricter restraining orders where he is concerned.
If he will not pay support then have him locked up!
The rumors are just that and those who know you and love you know they are not true so do not let it upset you. You have done nothing wrong and love your kids and are an awesome Mom so let them be the scum they are and talk because that is all it is is talk!
I am dealing with a situation where I am being accused of something I did not do and there is gossip but I just let it go in one ear and out the other as I know I did nothing wrong and the person accusing me is just being immature and so I just ignore it.
I know it is hard to do but it is really the only way to deal with people who like to feed off of others misery.
Be strong and we are here for you. Your children know your an amazing Mom and love you so they know their Father is not being truthful and even though they are kids they know that your the one being victimized here and not him.
Good luck keep us updated and let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
Remember your the one with class and the one who is always there for your children while he is in jail.Your children know this:)

[designgyrl]

Mary,

I read your post, and wish I could just give you a big hug (of course without hurting you)because you were one of the first people I met on here and you're also one of the strongest.  You are fighting for your children, trying to keep a chronic illness treatable and much, much, more.  I know you've had a lot of painful days and nights lately and I agree that stress has a lot to do with it, and definitely doesn't make it any better.  Please know I'm thinking of you and wish I could do something to make it better.  But please keep posting and let me know how your doing.  Everyone of us here care deeply for you and we will all do what we can to help you get through this.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do.

HUGZ,

Karen

[Jaybay]

On the child support issue, does your state's attorney general's office perform wage garnishment?  Here in Texas, the AG office will handle payments if the spouse refuses to pay according to the court order.

On the other hand, if you can live without the child support that may be the best thing for you personally since he is such a toxic person.  If he knows he's not on the hook, he may finally go his merry way and leave you and the kids alone.  My mother did the same thing when she divorced her first husband.  She muddled through with 2 young children all by herself and was more than happy when he finally dropped out of the picture.  At least I know where my "strong" personality came from!

I can't imagine that much stress added on top of chronic pain.  It's hard enough keeping up with myself, my husband, 2 dogs and 2 birds without adding an abusive ex and children into the mix.  Wish I had some words of wisdom for you but since I don't, you know you can always vent here.  Writing always helps me work out emotional/ life issues and hopefully it will help you too.  :-)