family (advice) ASAP

[mommytobe2015]

Hello everyone,  im about to be 20 years old, engaged,  and living with my fiancé.  I moved out when I was 18 years old and I just found out that I am pregnant.  I was very excited to know but I have become so afraid of what my family will think because these last couple months my fiancé and I have had some struggle financially. My family knows this but things are going to get better,  he found a job with steady hours and is waiting to start. I don't want anyone judging us and telling us we aren't ready. I feel like everyone has had a rough time at one point or another, I want to be happy about this baby but I cant help but be nervous about what my family will say. Any advice?

[mommytobe2015]

See my family won't really care about the Marriage,  and aren't doing a big wedding regardless it's just a matter of being on my feet again. This month has been a whirlwind of things I moved 2 times in one month because someone tried to break into my apartment 2 weeks in and it's like we haven't caught a break since.  But thank you for your words of wisdom.

[AnnieBrooke]

Everyone does struggle at some point, but I think the judgment your family would jump to automatically if you tell them right now is that a child is a long-term (high) expense.  If you can avoid it, you don't want to have to tell them you've incurred this obligation at a time when you are also broke.  That's why I do strongly urge you only to tell them about the child after they all know you're back on your feet financially -- you simply take away their biggest reason to judge.

If your family is rather traditional, the two things traditional families don't like to see in young pregnant women, are, one, if they are in trouble financially and don't have prospects of turning this around, and two, if they are not married.  (A loving, caring family might feel this way for loving, caring reasons, and a judgmental family might simply use those points as ammo, but those are the bones of contention that have the most emotional weight.)  Now that your fiance is looking like his financial prospects are bright, you have handled the first issue (or will soon).  Much heat will be gone from their judgement once they see this.

As an aside because you didn't ask about this, but if you're tired of arguing with your family or feeling judged, one thing you can do that will really sweep the argument to a different reality is if you simply go this month or next and get married by the judge on his lunch hour.  They will be so amazed that all the air will be out of their snottiest criticisms.  I know, a lot of young women say, "But we want to save our money and have a big wedding!" and are willing even to have a baby before getting married, in the name of this big party.  But getting married in front of the judge can be amazingly sweet, touching and genuine.  And you can always have a big celebration -- at your one-year anniversary you can repeat your vows or have a church wedding or whatever you like.  Just a thought.

[mommytobe2015]

That's what ill do. Ill wait till he gets his job started. I just feel like everyone struggles at some point and I shouldn't be judged because one month was hard on me. Thank you.

[AnnieBrooke]

Why not wait until he gets going in the job with the steady hours?  If you have borrowed money from the family, make it a first priority to pay them back.  In either case, i.e., once he is working the steady hours, or (that and) the day you pay them back, tell them you're pregnant.  You'll take away the biggest ammo in their arsenal, if you do it that way.  They can't say (to you or among themselves) that you're financially irresponsible, and that is the biggest thing people who are struggling get judged over, when they get pregnant.

[taygil2013]

People are always going to judge you. People you know, people you dont know. Trust me . I went through the same thing. I got pregnant when I was fifteen and had my son when I was sixteen, I got married right before my 18th birthday last June and now I am pregnant again. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is going into the navy in 38 days. I have been judged these past three years but all I can say is I am happy with the way my life turned out and I wouldnt change a thing. I have a great husband and son and I am happy to welcome this new life into the world in august. All I can say is just be happy (: if people arent happy with what you are doing then show them how happy you are and that their opinion doesn't matter because you are a grown woman making your life better and if they want to be a part of it they can either support you or keep their cute mouths shut. (: yes family is important, it is important to me too but if you are happy that is all that matters.