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Custody and unborn children-OT
I know that no-one is an attoney on this sight, but you ladies have been great w/ insight and advice and I have no where else to turn right now.
I just had yet another fight w/ my ex.(baby's Father). He and I cannot get along. He has everyone convinced that I am batsh!t crazy. I suppose I can be, especially with my hormones right now. I admit I am a totally insecure person and I call him a lot for advice.. I am really depressed and have been spotting and was diagnosed w/ placenta previa (this is my 1st child). And I am so scared. I am trying not to worry about that diagnosis as I am only 13 weeks and it has great chances of correcting itself. I did have to give up a 2nd job that I had just started (and really needed).. He is much more financially stable and I am scared he will eventually get custody. I live in MA. He told me during our fight I could get an attorney and he would sign off rights b/c he didn't want to deal w/ or talk to me.. He has since called and left a message saying "don't bother w/ the attorney, I won't give up on my child like that..." I know him and I know he has already consulted an attorney. I know he is going to try and get custody. I have NO experience w/ anything like this and I don't know what to do. I cannot afford and attorney (and there are very limited resources where I live, I have already researched legal assistance) and I was hoping he & I could figure things out outside the court system. He makes me feel so inadequate I am starting to doubt my capabilities.. Anyone have any advice/stories/experience? I have never in my life been more scared, depressed, and confused.. I really appreciate any advice...
I just had yet another fight w/ my ex.(baby's Father). He and I cannot get along. He has everyone convinced that I am batsh!t crazy. I suppose I can be, especially with my hormones right now. I admit I am a totally insecure person and I call him a lot for advice.. I am really depressed and have been spotting and was diagnosed w/ placenta previa (this is my 1st child). And I am so scared. I am trying not to worry about that diagnosis as I am only 13 weeks and it has great chances of correcting itself. I did have to give up a 2nd job that I had just started (and really needed).. He is much more financially stable and I am scared he will eventually get custody. I live in MA. He told me during our fight I could get an attorney and he would sign off rights b/c he didn't want to deal w/ or talk to me.. He has since called and left a message saying "don't bother w/ the attorney, I won't give up on my child like that..." I know him and I know he has already consulted an attorney. I know he is going to try and get custody. I have NO experience w/ anything like this and I don't know what to do. I cannot afford and attorney (and there are very limited resources where I live, I have already researched legal assistance) and I was hoping he & I could figure things out outside the court system. He makes me feel so inadequate I am starting to doubt my capabilities.. Anyone have any advice/stories/experience? I have never in my life been more scared, depressed, and confused.. I really appreciate any advice...
Thank you for the advice. It does put my mind at ease a bit. I have never had legal issues in my life. I have no other children so I am unsure what to expect. I will keep you guys posted once I do hear from his attorney (if that happens). I am feeling this morning like that I may have been harsh and I am feeling guilty. I am hoping I have the strength to stand by my decision. I truly DID want him there, but all the stress in between isn't good for me or the baby... What a mess..
Anyway, thanks again! I really appreciate the support and advice more than you could know!
Anyway, thanks again! I really appreciate the support and advice more than you could know!
i wouldn't worry about them saying he has to be at the appts or birth because of the whole hippa privacy act thing they are your appts as well and i think it would be agains't the law if they said he was alowed to be there it violates your privacy and the whole dr patient confidentiality thing. as far as custody goes i am going through the same thing and my ex's attorney won't even touch the case he said we were never married and since i am not an unfit mother i will have custod. my husband and i recently moved out of state and he tried to sue me because of it but legally there was nothing he could do he tried to say that since i am not working right now that i can't care for my child but since my husband is working and we provide food and shelter and all of her basic needs his lawyer said there was nothing he could do. don't stress about it
Good for you! You did the right thing in telling him that. And no, he does not have to present at the birth or doc appointments. Those are optional and up to you. The nurses and doctors are VERY VERY protective of their patients. If you so much as tell them that he scares you, they'll kick him out.
I'm glad you told him no contact until baby is born and you have established paternity. That's great but don' cave in or end up calling him to apologize or don't call him for anything. He doesn't call you unless you call him or ask him to call you right? Then don't call him anymore. He sounds like an a$$hole eventhough you say he's decent. If he were then he wouldn't be treating you like this, at least he would be cordial.
I don't know what others have written, i don't have time to read all the responses. At this point the ball is in YOUR court. Not being married you can easily say you don' tknow who the father is and NOT LIST a father on the birth certificate...this would make it even harder for him to get custody as he would have to pay for a paternity test. OR you can list him BUT any child born out of wedlock is automatically in the custody of the mother. The father will have to PROVE that the mother is unfit. Atleast in a perfect world.
As for him saying you'll hear from his lawyer monday. There isn't a whole lot he can do at this point...he can try to argue that he be allowed at appts....in that case YOU should argue that his threats etc are causing undue stress on you and your child. I suggest you contact legal aid if you can't afford an attorney and find out specifics in YOUR state.
As for him saying you'll hear from his lawyer monday. There isn't a whole lot he can do at this point...he can try to argue that he be allowed at appts....in that case YOU should argue that his threats etc are causing undue stress on you and your child. I suggest you contact legal aid if you can't afford an attorney and find out specifics in YOUR state.
Well, he just called again b/c I had asked him too. I had left him a amessage saying maybe w should discuss key points and see what our expectations are and see if we agree on anything as it pertains to custody, visitation, etc.. He was really short w/ me, and then I had just HAD IT! I told him (he has been saying he wants a paternity test since day 1, which is ridiculous! I havent been w/ anyone else) But I said, I feel that at this juncture, since he quations paternity, that will just not talk anymore until after the baby is birn and paternity is established.. I can't take th emotional duress.. He proceeded to call me a f***ing c***, and said I wil hear from his lawyer on Monday...
No one can force me to have him at dr. appt.'s and the birth, right?? I am freaking out. I just figured telling him we would not have contact until after paternity was established would actually be a good idea, and he freaked...
No one can force me to have him at dr. appt.'s and the birth, right?? I am freaking out. I just figured telling him we would not have contact until after paternity was established would actually be a good idea, and he freaked...
You will have primary custody, and he will have visitation rights, unless you both agree to joint custody.
That's the way it works, unless he has something on you that would prove you are unfit, and it has to be more than you getting upset or screaming at him sometimes. It has to be something very bad, like you abandoned the baby, or you use drugs, or are homeless or something of that nature.
Stop having as much contact with him, if you don't feel you can trust yourself to be cordial with him. Be polite when you have to talk with him, have another person there when you are discussing anything regarding the baby, the baby's future, visitation, child support, etc. As you already know, take notes...but its best to have another person right there.
And get a lawyer. Good luck.
That's the way it works, unless he has something on you that would prove you are unfit, and it has to be more than you getting upset or screaming at him sometimes. It has to be something very bad, like you abandoned the baby, or you use drugs, or are homeless or something of that nature.
Stop having as much contact with him, if you don't feel you can trust yourself to be cordial with him. Be polite when you have to talk with him, have another person there when you are discussing anything regarding the baby, the baby's future, visitation, child support, etc. As you already know, take notes...but its best to have another person right there.
And get a lawyer. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice. I have stared a notebook as of today.. I wish I had done it much sooner. My ex just hurts me emotionally. Never physically. He and I just don't get along at all. He isn't a terrible person. He's actually an upstanding citizen and I think he is going to be a fantastic Father.. I just wish he and I could have a conversation w/o it resulting in a blowout. This is what concerns me. And like aforementioned, he is educated, stable, and an all around decent person. This is why I am scared he will get custody. He is much more stable than I am (financially) and he is isn't one to make empty threats.. He will be involved with this child, he won't abandon him/her, and I think he will fight tooth and nail for custody.. I am so stressed.. Thanks for the advice though..
LauraB78-
I have been through this with my oldest sons biological father. I was told to get a notebook of some sort, and write down everything, how many times he calls, what time he calls, what is said. And how many times he wants to go to prenatal appointments, write down what he purchases for the baby if anything, diapers, milk whatever.
They even include monetary gifts, if he gives you money for some of these things. It takes 3 to 5 years of no financial contact, phone contact, letter contact, and face to face contact here in MI (MA may be different) to legally claim the father has abandoned the child.
But make a record of all this stated, so if he ever pushes you to court, you can prove who is the bathsh!t and crazy person.
I know my ex used my son against me all the time, woudlnt sign over rights for almost 4 years, because he wanted something he could use to hurt me emotionally since he couldnt hurt me physically anymore. I would just keep a log of everything, this is what my step mom had me do and she is an family attorney.
I have been through this with my oldest sons biological father. I was told to get a notebook of some sort, and write down everything, how many times he calls, what time he calls, what is said. And how many times he wants to go to prenatal appointments, write down what he purchases for the baby if anything, diapers, milk whatever.
They even include monetary gifts, if he gives you money for some of these things. It takes 3 to 5 years of no financial contact, phone contact, letter contact, and face to face contact here in MI (MA may be different) to legally claim the father has abandoned the child.
But make a record of all this stated, so if he ever pushes you to court, you can prove who is the bathsh!t and crazy person.
I know my ex used my son against me all the time, woudlnt sign over rights for almost 4 years, because he wanted something he could use to hurt me emotionally since he couldnt hurt me physically anymore. I would just keep a log of everything, this is what my step mom had me do and she is an family attorney.
Thanks for the reassurance that it is difficult for him to get fill custody..
HOWEVER, I think you have me confused w/ someone else for the drug stuff. He doesnt and has never used or sold drugs.. I have NO idea where that came from. He is just an a$$. He doesnt do drugs...Actually has never done a non-prescription drug in his lifetime... And I would have a hard time proving he is unfit. He is mostly a decent guy that just really dislikes me...He works hard, saves money, and is very responsible.. He and I just dont work
HOWEVER, I think you have me confused w/ someone else for the drug stuff. He doesnt and has never used or sold drugs.. I have NO idea where that came from. He is just an a$$. He doesnt do drugs...Actually has never done a non-prescription drug in his lifetime... And I would have a hard time proving he is unfit. He is mostly a decent guy that just really dislikes me...He works hard, saves money, and is very responsible.. He and I just dont work
He cannot gain custody of an unborn baby. And it will be incredibly difficult for him to obtain custody after the baby is born. Most judges grant the mother custody with maybe visitation rights to the father. Your job is to prove he is unfit. But until you actually get a court summons, don't sweat it. Many men threaten this and never pull through with it.
You said before he sells and uses drugs. You need to get proof of that (as much of it as you can... don't just settle for one instance but get a bunch). If he's got old friends that could write a letter stating that they've witnessed him smoking pot and/or selling (especially to minors) that would be a great start.
You said before he sells and uses drugs. You need to get proof of that (as much of it as you can... don't just settle for one instance but get a bunch). If he's got old friends that could write a letter stating that they've witnessed him smoking pot and/or selling (especially to minors) that would be a great start.
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