vent

[flower216]

Oky so some of you may know that i lost my dad this past month. I never said a "goodbye" or even attend the funeral for the reason i couldnt travel.
Well today i was telling my mom that my manager had gave me the whole week off cause i was bleedin last week and spotted on that saturday again. Well my mom instead of tellin me oky well you should rest or something caring or just anythin to unstress me. She starts with that i need to pay for my car that i need insurance that the inspection is needed to be changed that i need to pay my cell fone that i need to get my license for when i go to court on the 31st and kept repeating everything. And slowly she worked up the nerve to tell me you do not feel the same pain as your sister and brother do you and your little brother are the same you two are heartless and starts making me feel bad enough and then tells me that my grandma from my dads side was right it is my fault he passed away that all he wanted was a call from me or anyone of his children so we denied him n god took him away from us. I lost it. (The day before my dad passed away i called my grandma to see how he was doin and she said to me that if he dies and the reason that he is in is my fault). My mom just looked at me as i cried and said dont try to cry for him now hes gone and now you cant even say your daddys little girl anymore.
Back story of me and my dad i always got along with him better than my mom. I dnt know what to do with my mom i try ignoring her but she manages to get to me and make me feels at my worst.

[flower216]

And like the saddest thing is that on the 31st was his bday he was born at 11:59pm so for me instead of celebratin like everyone else i was upset and let some tears out i just said it was the hormones but i hated the fact tht he coulsnt of have made it for his bday

[flower216]

I know i really do try i mean im always smiling and tryin to do better like for my mom my older brother and older sister are better because they dont have tattoos , they have good payin jobs thsy have what they want and more. And she gets mad cause sometimes i dont get paid as i usually do shs starts complaining sayin that i should just move out and why even bother with school if im never goin to graduate and it gets me mad and happy that out of my family im the first one to be a senior in high school in the top 20% out of 800and some students and i tell her even thou in pregnsnt ima still finish high school and whdn i do ima rub my diploma in your face and everyone else who doubted me. She just says well i already see you droppin out so your dream isnt goin to happen.
Like with my dad the last time i seen him was when i was 14 im now 18 and last time i spoke to him well wrote to him was i think 3 years ago when he was in jail. Then he got deported to mexico and i just stopped all communication with him cause of my grandma she would always tell me stuff to get mad at him and the samd with my mom she would say why spend $5 on him when you can easily give them to me. Then on the 21st which was my bday he tried talkin to me and i let my anger get to me and tols my aunt dont you dare give him my number i dont want to speak to him he forgot about me for so long and now he wants to play daddy and little did i know he was on 3way with her and on the 24th he got in a car accident and was in intensive care for almst 4days and on the 28th around 3:34 we got a call sayin he passed away i personally cant forgive my self i kno i should cuz i hurt the baby and cause my self to go into labor but my pain gets the best of me when im alone, in the shower, restroom and sometimes even asleep.

[anabelcrts]

Ur mom ain't right!!. She sounds just like my mom. Im sorry for ur lost. My dad passed away a yr ago and he luved in Mexico and I live in La so I used to call him. But the day before he died. Somethng in my mind was telling me to call him. But to be honest I didn't had no fkng money to buy a calling card and the next day he died which I felt like sh!t. (I didn't had no miney because my husband pays rent,bills,car payment etc byhimself and even thoe my mom was with me I wouldnt ask her for money cuz she would want explanations and she used to get mad when i called my dad) I still cry for my dad :’(:’(:’( I never got the chance to tell him how much I loved him regardless of the problems my mom and him had. He will always tell me good things and will always listen to me when I needed someone. Compare to my mom she will throw in my face everythng she bought me when I was with her. I have 1 sister only and my mom will put me down and put her on top of me. But U know what let me tell U somethng I showed my mom and my sister that even thoe my man works for me and my kids we still stay strong I just ignore them now I focus on my  kids and my husband if they talk smack they can do it but im always smilleing infront of everybody cuz thats how I am and I showed it to them and they get more mad. Thats how  strong we end up. And my dad I would had  rather to stay with my dad than living with my an  mom. And I use to dream my dad alot. And right now I still ask myself why he had to die. I need him so much he was my best confidence friend. Girl I know how it feels to loose a parent. And like someone just mentioned right now. All I do is love my mother and thats all because she will realize soon or later she did wrong........ Stay strong girl ur dad is watchng U and he wants to see U happy so dnt listen to what they tell U....

[flower216]

W/o me

[flower216]

Thank you i seriously dont know anymore with my mom cause shes the moody one causr i try to b happy and live with the fact hes not around she tells me you never loved him. Hopefully you can do bettrr as a mother than a daughtet cause you suck at that everyday. So she gets me mad and i tell her oky well hopefully you can be a better grandmother than a mom cause a mom shoildnt say "i hope your child treats you the worst and never respects you" i look at her n just walk to my room and she just screams at me sayin that how i was a mistake and maybe w/o my family would be better so i just try not to let her hear me cry or kno that i feel pain

[OorahMommy]

I recently lost my grandma. I know a father is very different and I'm not comparing the two in any way but we were extremely close. What I saw in my family is what I'm reading about yours. Often the ones who feel guilty and pain or remorse that they should have done more try to pin the blame on someone else to ease their minds when in fact no one is to blame. It sounds like your mom and grandma just have a lot of remorse and wish they could change it so they're taking it out on you. Try not to feel so bad I know easier said than done but the truth is there's nothing you could have done and all you can do now is be the best mommy to your baby and move on with the life you have. They will come around hopefully and if they don't then they are only hurting themselves.

[Brittanyskye]

I'm 100% sure your daddy knows how much you love him and even tho he is gone your still his little girl and always will be every little girl is closer to their daddy daddy's and baby girls and like Pb&js your mom is still hurting and doesnt think you are so she is trying to make you hurt my mom is the same way don't ignore her just keep loving her and get some rest!! If you need to talk message me!! I'm sorry for your loss btw :/ idk what I would do if I lost my daddy :' (