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Aftermath: eye for an eye
how does one heal from infidelity?
About a year and a half ago i had mistakenly cheated on my (then b/f, now husband) we talked it out i thought things were progressing... then right after our 1 year things were pretty rough between us so we decided to seperate and take a break we agreed to no dating or seeing anyone else although he had a 2 month affair and after i had our daughter he decided he wanted me back and to do the right thing by me and the kids... I accepted giving him 1 last chance (so far a month has gone by things are going pretty good) but i just cant seem to shake the images of him and this homewrecker... the lies that was told to me then and there in the moment of time, the fact the he had my hopes up and was playing with my emotions... there were times i walked in seeing them sleeping next to each other.. my husband, my house, my heart, my family... broken.... i so badly want things to be fixed to feel alright, be a happy family... but during the year after i made the mistake so many fights was caused i was called names, alot of bad nights... but since he did it, i feel like to was on purpose and now that im feeling hurt from it, i should just let it go... the more i think about makes me want to runaway but i want what i once had and im afraid ill never get it back... i just want to know how to get over this what can i do to help us instead of constantly thinking about this..
(couseling is not an option right now) please i dont want to be told to move on, i had the chance i didnt take it, this is what i want.. stupid or not.. every relationship can be fixed its how much you put into it... i just want to shake the images and the broken heart...
About a year and a half ago i had mistakenly cheated on my (then b/f, now husband) we talked it out i thought things were progressing... then right after our 1 year things were pretty rough between us so we decided to seperate and take a break we agreed to no dating or seeing anyone else although he had a 2 month affair and after i had our daughter he decided he wanted me back and to do the right thing by me and the kids... I accepted giving him 1 last chance (so far a month has gone by things are going pretty good) but i just cant seem to shake the images of him and this homewrecker... the lies that was told to me then and there in the moment of time, the fact the he had my hopes up and was playing with my emotions... there were times i walked in seeing them sleeping next to each other.. my husband, my house, my heart, my family... broken.... i so badly want things to be fixed to feel alright, be a happy family... but during the year after i made the mistake so many fights was caused i was called names, alot of bad nights... but since he did it, i feel like to was on purpose and now that im feeling hurt from it, i should just let it go... the more i think about makes me want to runaway but i want what i once had and im afraid ill never get it back... i just want to know how to get over this what can i do to help us instead of constantly thinking about this..
(couseling is not an option right now) please i dont want to be told to move on, i had the chance i didnt take it, this is what i want.. stupid or not.. every relationship can be fixed its how much you put into it... i just want to shake the images and the broken heart...
I will add that many times there are free therapist offices. I would look into some of those places. You can probably even call your county and see if they can help you.
If cheating is unforgivable then why would she cheat to get revenge? That makes no sense and is not the kind of advice one should give. Obviously their relationship has been tainted enough with betrayal, back and forth cheating will not make the relationship any better. Relationships do survive infidelity but only if both parties are willing to make it work.
Specialmom's advice is perfect. Cheating is never ok, it ruins a relationship and rebuilding it is very difficult to do. I also agree that a one night stand is hurtful but I feel like a continued affair where there is emotions, is a bit deeper in pain. I don't want to negate anyone's feelings stating that one is worse then the other though. Either way, it hurts and it takes a very long time to recover from. My fiance had a long term affair and it's been 3 years and I can say that I'm pretty much in a good place now. I don't even have to redirect my thoughts because the other woman is a non-issue. But I will say that trust will never be the way it used to be. I still have doubts from time to time. Are the thoughts real? Probably not. But I'm certainly not going to spend my life wondering. Like you said, you want your relationship to work out. Well it will if you allow the time it takes to move past it. It doesn't happen overnight and both of you must be transparent and communicate with one another. I do think it's important to get a therapist to work on the relationship. So saving up for it is a good idea.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, I do know it is hard to work on counseling if the money or time isn't there. I get that. I'd put that on your to do list whether it is alone or with him. I wonder how many red flags might have been there before you actually started having kids with him such as his being in jail. Looking back helps us see if WE made any mistakes along the way. Good to do on your own when you have a quiet moment.
I will say that I do hear you. I think a one night stand while dating is different than an affair where bodies AND hearts were involved while married after kids are in the picture. It seems like as a relationship progresses and you work through things, you hope to be on the same page. I'm not making excuses for you----------- you know it was wrong. But I do hear you that the 'stage' of your relationship that your husband cheated on you was quite difficult.
You need some support around you. Get some strong girlfriends to lean on. And look for solid couples and families to hang out with socially.
People here like lovemykids and Brice have been through it and have come out on the other side. It is hard--------- but couples can recover from infidelity. But you have to be willing to GET over it. Redirect your thoughts and try to stay close to your husband. good luck
I will say that I do hear you. I think a one night stand while dating is different than an affair where bodies AND hearts were involved while married after kids are in the picture. It seems like as a relationship progresses and you work through things, you hope to be on the same page. I'm not making excuses for you----------- you know it was wrong. But I do hear you that the 'stage' of your relationship that your husband cheated on you was quite difficult.
You need some support around you. Get some strong girlfriends to lean on. And look for solid couples and families to hang out with socially.
People here like lovemykids and Brice have been through it and have come out on the other side. It is hard--------- but couples can recover from infidelity. But you have to be willing to GET over it. Redirect your thoughts and try to stay close to your husband. good luck
Cheating is cheating no matter who did it. There are no levels. It is wrong. You can not do anything about your husband. You can not control him ( I can say that b/c that is what I wanted to do) You need to work on yourself and your attitude. My husband cheated on me and it hurt like hell, I had the opportunity at the same time to do the same to him ( not knowing what he was up to ) but I walked away with my head held high, so when I found out about him I was devastated. But really , would that make it alright for me to do the same. No, but I realized thinking about it is almost as bad as acting upon it. I know it is not the same but once you entertain those thoughts it starts to effect your relationship. I realized with what measure you forgive so shall you be forgiven,. It is not easy. It has been two years for me and there are still days it hurts but not as bad. As was stated above. REDIRECT. Work on you. If he will not get counseling with you, go on your own. Or get Dr. Phil's book relationship rescue. I started it alone but my husband joined in and it helped us talk about what happened and our feelings.
thank you special mom!!!
I never said my cheating was accidental it was a mistake, one which happened once (and i was not married, i was not in the right state of mind, never seeked comfort from the guy, to be honest i dont think i even felt anything) where as he was married he did it more than once grew feelings for her let her move in to the house when we were suppose to be working on our marriage. I know i messed up and i got the repurcussions for over a year being called names hurtful things being said i sucked it up bcz that was his way of letting me know i hurt him and the things he said to me did hurt but at the time i cheated, he was in jail and we very on the verge of breaking up (not that that really matters)... so for him to say okay were even, messes with my head alittle bit bcz i didnt go to the level of hurt and decieving as he did... and which at this time i was 9 months pregnant- after having our baby when he was doing this, he was suppose to be there for me an our baby but wasnt... I know what i did was wrong
And the only reason i took counseling off the table was bcz i dont have the money the insurance or a church i can turn to.. he wont go with me and with 2 kids and a full time job i dont see the time...
I never said my cheating was accidental it was a mistake, one which happened once (and i was not married, i was not in the right state of mind, never seeked comfort from the guy, to be honest i dont think i even felt anything) where as he was married he did it more than once grew feelings for her let her move in to the house when we were suppose to be working on our marriage. I know i messed up and i got the repurcussions for over a year being called names hurtful things being said i sucked it up bcz that was his way of letting me know i hurt him and the things he said to me did hurt but at the time i cheated, he was in jail and we very on the verge of breaking up (not that that really matters)... so for him to say okay were even, messes with my head alittle bit bcz i didnt go to the level of hurt and decieving as he did... and which at this time i was 9 months pregnant- after having our baby when he was doing this, he was suppose to be there for me an our baby but wasnt... I know what i did was wrong
And the only reason i took counseling off the table was bcz i dont have the money the insurance or a church i can turn to.. he wont go with me and with 2 kids and a full time job i dont see the time...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, I'm going to take the simple route in answering your question. How do you change your thought process? Well, we can do this! We can do what they call 'redirect'. So when your mind drifts to the image of her (where your anger and doubt boils)--------- switch it to something else. Have a 'go to" list of things you can do. Examples of that would be---- write out a list of what you like about your partner and why you are staying with him and when your mind thinks of her . . . whip that out and read it out loud several times over. This is redirecting your thoughts. You could have other things such as something physical---- you turn on your music and start dancing (sounds dumb . . . but when you are alone, dancing is fun and hard to think of some bimbo when you are dancing.) or start jumping rope or something fast paced that you have to really focus on to do. You could have a book handy and if your mind drifts to her---------- start reading it. Whatever will take your attention to a particular thing. Even if you are doing this thing in the middle of the night------------ just redirect your thoughts.
I kind of get what you are saying. You were dating and not married (which IS different)---- and because of your cheating . . . the topic had been fully discussed and you thought understood, no cheating should ever occur again. Then it did. I'm sure . . . if he is wanting to be with you, etc. that it was a mistake on his part too. Both of you wish you could take it back.
If you want to stay together, it is definately hard after cheating. It takes lots of time to work through things. And I get that if you cheated early on---------- it does not negate the hurt you now feel at his infidelity. Maybe you understand better at how much you hurt him when you cheated and that wisdom maybe can take your relationship to a new level. You can have mutual empathy for one another. You can tell him that now you REALLY understand how much you hurt him and are more sorry than ever!! You can talk about---- the both of you----- how much you don't want to cause this kind of pain for the other again.
Save up for marriage counseling. Either you or he can do job training or schooling to put you in a place to get a job with insurance and mental health coverage included (which is how counseling is paid for through insurance). You will need this down the road. Don't feel alone, most couples do better with marriage counseling no matter what their issue. Also, if you are religious, get active in your church. Look for couple's groups. Being around solid couples that value their relationship carries over.
good luck
I kind of get what you are saying. You were dating and not married (which IS different)---- and because of your cheating . . . the topic had been fully discussed and you thought understood, no cheating should ever occur again. Then it did. I'm sure . . . if he is wanting to be with you, etc. that it was a mistake on his part too. Both of you wish you could take it back.
If you want to stay together, it is definately hard after cheating. It takes lots of time to work through things. And I get that if you cheated early on---------- it does not negate the hurt you now feel at his infidelity. Maybe you understand better at how much you hurt him when you cheated and that wisdom maybe can take your relationship to a new level. You can have mutual empathy for one another. You can tell him that now you REALLY understand how much you hurt him and are more sorry than ever!! You can talk about---- the both of you----- how much you don't want to cause this kind of pain for the other again.
Save up for marriage counseling. Either you or he can do job training or schooling to put you in a place to get a job with insurance and mental health coverage included (which is how counseling is paid for through insurance). You will need this down the road. Don't feel alone, most couples do better with marriage counseling no matter what their issue. Also, if you are religious, get active in your church. Look for couple's groups. Being around solid couples that value their relationship carries over.
good luck
In addition to what I wrote above, it will be impossible to get back what you once had. Infidelity makes that impossible. Too many emotions were betrayed to just assume things will go back to what you had.
What is possible is that things can turn out better than before. With all of the work necessary to rebuild a marriage, you begin to learn much more about not only your spouse, but yourself as well.
A lot of this has to do with humility. But by mutually seeing and dealing with the humility, you will both better understand what a true marriage is made up of. You can learn what is necessary to make a marriage work. Far too many times, we put our marriages on "cruise control". We let our marriages happen, and the truth is... successful marriages don't happen. Successful marriages are made. They are a work in progress, every single day. Marriage is full of selflessness, not selfishness. Marriage is work, plain and simple. If neither party is willing to do their part, and if neither party is willing to say what they feel is necessary to make things work, the marriage is almost certainly doomed.
What is possible is that things can turn out better than before. With all of the work necessary to rebuild a marriage, you begin to learn much more about not only your spouse, but yourself as well.
A lot of this has to do with humility. But by mutually seeing and dealing with the humility, you will both better understand what a true marriage is made up of. You can learn what is necessary to make a marriage work. Far too many times, we put our marriages on "cruise control". We let our marriages happen, and the truth is... successful marriages don't happen. Successful marriages are made. They are a work in progress, every single day. Marriage is full of selflessness, not selfishness. Marriage is work, plain and simple. If neither party is willing to do their part, and if neither party is willing to say what they feel is necessary to make things work, the marriage is almost certainly doomed.
I don’t really know how someone accidentally cheats to be honest with you but here is the raw truth men are not forgiving and the fact of the matter is your husband, though you two spoke about it and all seemed peachy, he wanted you to feel the way he did. I agree with the others that it is not fair for you to point fingers at your husband when you put him through the same kind of hell. Guys have a way of dealing with things in a complete uncaring way at times and he figured “hey she did it and I forgave her so if I’ll do she has to take me back and we’ll call it quits.” You two are behaving like teenagers actually, you first then me after, relationships are not a game, it’s serious business. Both of you need to own up and take responsibility for your actions in an effort to work through all the emotions. Plain and simple your husband is hurt and he couldn’t understand why you needed to seek comfort of another man especially if he is being faithful to you. You cannot justify your own actions by saying “oops it was an accident” but then throw a tantrum when the shoe is on the other foot it doesn’t work that way. I won’t say move on because in my opinion a marriage is something that you work on until you are all worked out. However, counseling would have been a perfect option, why did you take it off the table? The both of you need assistance in dealing with the problems in a HEALTHY way, reconsider it. You two should make a fair attempt to work it out. Best wishes.
Okay, here's the deal. I too had an affair. More than a mistake, it was a bad, bad ,bad move. I was looking for something that wasn't even available in that relationship. Regarding my affair, this is something that I may never fully forgive myself for, and it has taken one hell of a lot of work on my wife's behalf in order for us to salvage our marriage.
One thing that you made abundantly clear is that you view the woman involved in your husbands affair as a home wrecker. How do you view yourself in regards to what you've done? Did you not do something that could have ruined your own relationship? Sorry to sound harsh, but that title can easily be bestowed upon yourself within your own household. You make it sound like your affair was like putting pepper in the salt shaker....
It is probably far easier to place blame on your husband for what he did, compared to taking any responsibility for what you've done. It's important for you to realize your part in this. It is important to realize that what you did alone is enough to ruin a marriage/relationship. You've got to own your part. It really sounds like you expect your husband to just drop any ill feelings he is harboring, but you are completely justified in your feelings. That simply isn't fair and it is up to you to start leveling the playing field.
I will never what you or your husband did. It is reprehensible, and I too am guilty. In your case, two wrongs do not make a right. Getting through this will take an effort on both of your behalves. If you want to be forgiven, you have to forgive. It is really that simple. Not only forgiving him for what he did, but forgive yourself for what you've done. Realize that you are both human and are both capable of screwing up. (You both did.)
I am not sure why counseling is out of the question. It seems as if your marriage was that important, you'd do anything to make it happen... including therapy. (It has proven very beneficial in my marriage.) Since you won't do that, it seems as if you are a bit reluctant to try. I guess you could start reading any of the recovery books that are out there, but this will all depend on the effort put forth by the both of you.
One thing that you made abundantly clear is that you view the woman involved in your husbands affair as a home wrecker. How do you view yourself in regards to what you've done? Did you not do something that could have ruined your own relationship? Sorry to sound harsh, but that title can easily be bestowed upon yourself within your own household. You make it sound like your affair was like putting pepper in the salt shaker....
It is probably far easier to place blame on your husband for what he did, compared to taking any responsibility for what you've done. It's important for you to realize your part in this. It is important to realize that what you did alone is enough to ruin a marriage/relationship. You've got to own your part. It really sounds like you expect your husband to just drop any ill feelings he is harboring, but you are completely justified in your feelings. That simply isn't fair and it is up to you to start leveling the playing field.
I will never what you or your husband did. It is reprehensible, and I too am guilty. In your case, two wrongs do not make a right. Getting through this will take an effort on both of your behalves. If you want to be forgiven, you have to forgive. It is really that simple. Not only forgiving him for what he did, but forgive yourself for what you've done. Realize that you are both human and are both capable of screwing up. (You both did.)
I am not sure why counseling is out of the question. It seems as if your marriage was that important, you'd do anything to make it happen... including therapy. (It has proven very beneficial in my marriage.) Since you won't do that, it seems as if you are a bit reluctant to try. I guess you could start reading any of the recovery books that are out there, but this will all depend on the effort put forth by the both of you.
I agree with Tinkerbell. I don't understand your story. Why do you think your infidelity was nothing, and his (probably in revenge) is something you can't forgive? I can't tell, but was your cheating one event, and his was several events, and so in your view that's infidelity where yours was like tripping on the sidewalk - a pure accident?
I think I can fix this:
Get him to tell you "it was JUST a "mistake". You seem to be okay if the cheat is a "mistake" (you) but not okay if it's "on purpose" (him). I don't understand your philosophy (excuse??) myself, but it seems to work for you on your behalf - so try it on his behalf. (you know: Do Unto Others, Turn the Other Cheek, etc.)
You don't want counseling, you don't want to "move on" yet there's a marriage and a family here - so do what WHATEVER it takes to get through this.
Good Luck
Get him to tell you "it was JUST a "mistake". You seem to be okay if the cheat is a "mistake" (you) but not okay if it's "on purpose" (him). I don't understand your philosophy (excuse??) myself, but it seems to work for you on your behalf - so try it on his behalf. (you know: Do Unto Others, Turn the Other Cheek, etc.)
You don't want counseling, you don't want to "move on" yet there's a marriage and a family here - so do what WHATEVER it takes to get through this.
Good Luck
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